Party

Well... Jesal's bday party is today. I'm going, and not spending the night, so it ends up. It doesn't really matter: Rachel isn't either, and as far as I know, not many of my friends are. Most of them are Jesal's friends. Oh well.

Rachel is also coming over a bit before the party: so we get to hang out. That should be cool. I cant wait for it.

not much else is going on. the journal with alan is cool. we'll see where that goes.

um... i think that's it! i gotta go get ready: write more when i get back.

A Love Long Lost, and Long Forgotten...

i got a call today. i can't really say whether it was wanted or not wanted. probably a combination of both. in any case, it got very confusing. but then again, so does anything when it has to do with rusty.

so i pick up the phone and it's rusty. j-freaking-oy. not a bad thing: or so i thought. the last time i heard from him was february last year. so i was excited, and yes: a bit pissed. ok: more than a bit. anyway: we talked about what had been going on. then he started getting all mushy and reminding me of how it was when we were together. I didn't want that. it's not something we have between us. but somehow, he got to me. i don't know how. but i ended up crying: not because i missed him, or because of how we used to be, but because of the innocence which i possessed at the time of going out with him and how i always had somebody who could make it better for me. i admit: i was happy with him: but i wasn't with him anymore: i am with david: and i'm happier in this position than i was with rusty. and that's when it hit me.

somehow rusty got onto the topic of how he always knew what i was thinking, and could always say the right thing to make me feel how i wanted to feel. which was true when we went out: the situation i was in at that time allowed it to be, seeing as i was weak, lost, and drowning in my grief, in all practicality. but then, i got on my bed, and the first thing i saw was the pic of me and david i've got up there. I was in white: the sky was clear, his arm was around me, and we each had this smile on our faces... It seemed so symbolic to me. In a time filled with darkness (my black garb) when i was caught with david in a second captured for eternity, the sky was clear of any clouds trying to release their crimson tears, and i was white in purity and happiness. And i thought: you are not david. you never will be, and you will never compare. you may have been able to make me cry with your words, but david has been able to make me smile with a milisecond glance from across the commons. when his arms were around me, i would forget everything bad in my life. looking into his eyes i fell into the sky and flew. When he kissed me i was left shaking, and was happy for days. what is more telling: that you can make me cry, or that he can make me soar. i asked rusty to tell me what i was thinking: he started: you miss me, (yes, but not it), you want to see me (goes with the missing thing, doesn't it?), you love me, (sure). of course, he couldn't tell me. How could he. He wanted me to tell him then, what it was. I couldn't. There was no real way to put it into words: what i have said here doesn't even come close. He said if you love me, you'll tell me. he was met with silence. He said, when two people feel as strongly about each other as we do, they should be able to tell each other everything. without denying that i didn't feel for him as he did, or said he did, towards me, i said, and sometimes, even then, they don't tell the other person something for that very same reason. He tried to get me back where he wanted me: but he couldn't. that's when i knew it was really over.

I lost him a long time ago: but he lost me earlier: i just realized that today. i forgot what it felt like to know him. i let myself forget the bad things and just remember the good, or what was good for me when i loved him. yes: he will always be my friend: but he made a mistake in trying to make me go back there. i am free of him: i no longer need his shoulder to lean on. no longer need his words to make me smile. i have everything i need. if he keeps on trying to move me in his direction however, he will lose. i am no longer a puppet. i am happy where i stand. i'm not looking back to the past for memories of smiles any longer. i am looking to the future of smiles i have coming and i am looking forward to standing on my own. i am free.

been a while... yup... been a while...

well- it's been a really long time since my last post. i believe it was something bout becca. but yeah.

ok: well: music department- since the last time i've written, i've had my piano concert: that went really well. i also had afmc festival: i got a "superior" rating, which is the highest you can get. so happy happy joy joy!

school: grades: not so good. i have also decided what classes i am taking next year, and what i want to do career wise. classes: english lang and comp (ap), honors pre-cal, ap us history, ap chem and at ap chem lab, band, word processing 1 and 2, span 2. my senior year i am taking whatever ap eng class, ap ab cal, ap euro hist, ap bio and at ap bio lab, band, music theory, and hist of ideas. yup.. and my career choices are like... a band-director, and a forensic scientist/investigator. However, i will be giving voice lessons, piano lessons, and french horn lessons throughout my life no matter what. so yup.

um... personally: well most of that crap will be under cfm. so you'll have to go there.

i have a raw spot/abrasion on my eye. no contacts for me for a week. j-freaking-oy.

um... that's it for now. yes... oompa loompa teletubbie.