over the weekend...

hm... a lot has happened. this is a picture of me at prom. my friend kristina took it. i had an ok time. but let me catch up on what's been going on since my last real post... well- david and i came so close to breaking up. we were to the point where we hadn't even decided anything yet and we were both crying. god that sucked. we're still together, and still going to try to have a long distance relationship. i just hope nothing like that ever happens again... concerts, concerts, concerts- so many at one time!!! the week of the angela thing, i had a choir concert, a band concert, and a piano concert. not to mention prom. oh god prom. justin-... wasn't the best date. he held on to the clayton thing (he just found out i had gone out with clayton) for so long. he followed me everywhere... ugh- but he hasn't been in this situation before so... rachel was a lot of fun though... i had to play at graduation. i am so sad to see all of my senior friends going away. not to mention a lot of my other friends who are just plain moving- devon, audrey, david *sighs*- i'm really going to miss everybody... hehe- friday was fun. in band i was messing with david the whole time- he was messing with me too. he's right- payback is a b*tch. *rrr* anyway. in spanish we had fun also- i was messing with him again, and he was trying to mess with me, but it wasn't working that well. it was funny, bc we were so close to kissing, but then mrs chenault turned on the lights. (damn you!!! *shakes fist*) but we did it outside anyway. hehe. i really love david... the weekend was okay- not much happened. i went out of order tho- the grad was sat. today- not much really happened either. david got a lot of pics of me, which sux. i started working on a present for him for when he leaves- it's basically a binder filled with crap i've written, lyrics that fit us, a really long note, all my info (address, number, email, etc.), poetry some of my friends have written, a couple of drawings, a couple of really bad pics (lol- yes, i know david- i'm "uber-sexy"... *scoffs* whatever- weirdo). i will probably put in a few more things b4 i give it to him. he better say thank you... 3 days until he's gone for who knows how long. god i'm going to miss him. it was weird- today i was talking to keely, and she asked me if david asked me to marry him, would i... i might. i really might. not that he's going to, but that's how much i love him. i really hope that this works out tho. i'm risking a lot by opening my heart up for him. it is worth it tho. it's worth it.

after i bled

I DID IT AGAIN:
Black lace gauntlets
covering the scars
left by the trail the blade took
things are too painful
for me to bear
i want to die, to just be
numb, falling into my
void of a "soul"
hurt me again
rip out my heart
leave it bleeding on the floor
i don't want it anymore
you have tinted it with
streaks of black poison
and thoughts of doom
you broke my wings
and took my sanity
slitting my wrists
to confuse your mind
chipping my fingernail polish
to mess with your head
you are my insane decaf
cup of coffee.

©Julie Pyle, 2005

when you broke me...

MADE TO BE THROWN AWAY: Lie to me again/ say you'd care if i never returned/ i know it is not true/ but at least i can go to sleep happy/ my medicated self-homicide/ shall be a dream in which/ cotton candy clouds rain lemonade/ my rabid sheep wears a wolf's clothing/ and is devoured by bunnies./ "i love you..."/ stab me in the heart with the knife you hold/ it hurts enough without it/ plus i really don't care anymore/ dipping my quill into my vein/ tapping into my soul to write with emotion/ (these rose-red tears of despair)/ "i love you..."/ lines filling up with shallow words/ there's no depth to them/ unlike my eyes... this void runs deep in my brain/ whisper in my ear that you'll never leave me/ then walk away, and disappear around the bend/ "sleep tight my love; you'll be heartened to know/ I'm screaming now..."

©Julie Pyle, 2005

for once- notice (your lack of me)

THE FOOTPRINTS IN THE SAND: Green sky and blue grass/ run over the freaking stop sign/ graffiti on the walls/ slits on my wrist/ tears from the clouds/ blur my vision/ as time goes back and forth/ i whisper in your ear:/ "Good night, you'll be happy to know.../ that i'm being tortu'red now."/ you move, as if to wake up/ but simply turn over/ you won't notice my absence/ but i beg that you notice/ the footprints in the sand...

©Julie Pyle, 2005

my homicide

this is a poem i wrote: I'M ONLY AWAKE WHEN MY EYES ARE CLOSED- Your eyes rarely meet mine/ unlike the stars to the night.../ The night i fell in love/ under the bright lights of the football field/ in those dumb band uniforms/ but whatever: those days/ are long gone, but soon to come again/ but when they do/ you will be out of my reach/ maybe the crimson tears/ my wrists once shed should flow again/ until they can't cry anymore/ dried up for you/ but right now i am falling/ when i reach the bottom/ i'll get up again, just so i can fall:/ in love/ maybe find/ some temporary empty peace/ i can taste the blueberry muffins already/ my insanity was a hallucinogen in the from of a/ candied heart-sucker, bleeding in my mouth/ ripping out little bunny foo-foo's heart/ and put it to my own/ you knew you killed me when you saw/ my freshly dug grave...

©Julie Pyle, 2005

dry, shriveled, thirsty sponge

this past week has drained me- physically, emotionally, mentally... pretty much everything. lets see- monday i had practice for the choir concert, tuesday was the band concert, wednesday i didn't really do anything, thursday was the choir concert, friday was prom, saturday was my piano concert, and yesterday i felt like crap. well... i still feel like crap, but that's not the point here. *sighs* some other stuff happened too... angela claimed (to rachel) that she did not know david and i were going out, and that she and david made out at his party. there were excuses- "they were really drunk" "she didn't know" etc... still does not mean anything. i ended up crying a little after rachel told me. got my make-up all messed up (weak forced laugh)... *sigh*i confronted david about it, and he said i wasn't the first person to tell him this. he denied having done it, and i want to believe him, but i am being rational too. i am not going to let my heart win me over on this one. i need to be satisfied mentally and rationally as well. god i hope he didn't. if he tells me the truth, he will have my respect, no matter what it is. he may not have my approval, but he will have my respect. if he did do it and he comes clean, i might possibly consider staying with him, though it is unlikely. i mean, if he moves to colorado and goes to a party- there is nobody there who would tell me. not saying that he did, i just want to keep an open mind for right now. i dont want to break up with him, i really dont. but if he did... i dont think he did though. i really dont. i dont want to at least. i guess until i get to talk to him and angela at the same time (which i am planning to do tomorrow) then i will have to settle with undecided.*sighs*... oh, and thanx rach for trying to cheer me up.

busybody

god i feel like crap. physically, lately, has been horrible. but then again so has everything else- my mind, my emotions... i don't know. there is so much happening. im surprised i am "dealing" with it so well. at least i have david, and rachel, and stewart, and carrie... they're great. had a band concert on tue, a choir concert tomorrow, and a piano recital sat. not to mention prom on fri. and davids party on fri, and his bday on sat. but whatever. i dont think i will be able to go to his party unfortunately. we will have to see i guess. everything else that is going on i have too many thoughts to put on here without writing forever, and even then it wouldn't be enough, ... i guess thats it for now

My Birthday

well... um...
friday was interesting. it was my birthday first of all. band was ok. then david gave me a note, and it was pretty sweet. so i wrote him back. anyway, in spanish, we ended up getting set up, and now we are going out. its about time.
then the party... it was fun til we started playing truth or dare- jesal started daring me to do a lot of crap with timmy- which wasn't cool. obv. n e way, i thought that it really sucked that my two ex's could make it to my party and my bf couldn't. oh well.
not much else happened that night. i talked to carrie all night and introduced her to foamy.
i got a dog sunday, its really sweet. its name is boots (not very original, but it was the previous owner's) its really sad though bc i think its last owners abused it. i have to really kill them.
i have been writing some really weird poems lately... um... yeah. (david says so too)
i am writing this in span, and david is making me really paranoid bc he is continuously reading over my shoulder... just got rid of that.
i will write more later. i am supposed to be looking up spanish lyrics.

"alone i break"- rach

i feel so alone right now- it feels as if i am in a crowded room, but everybody else is off doing their own thing and going 100x faster than i am. so i just end up in this corner, with my head down, and my hair in my face, and just become that much more invisible... i sorta want to right now. lately i have felt extremely vulnerable and unprotected. *sighs* guess that is just how everything is right now. i wish people could see that i dont mean to push them away right now, but i i am on the edge. of everything i think. i am so close to breaking, i think one more thing will topple it all over.

my lack of enthusiasm

y can't they see that sometimes i dont care, that i want it 2 end. they claim that "they care"... cant they tell that sometimes i think that all they care 4 is 2 prolong my misery that accompanies this pitiful "existance"??? oh how i when they tell me 2 "plz not "... like i am really going to listen to them- oh how i yearn to just be done with all of this- i want to just watch the slowly leak out of my wrist into the bathtub 2 turn the water a murky crimson, 2 watch my life simply drain away. i want 2 slowly close my eyes against my will (or will it b???) and 2 have the certainty that they will never open 2 this nightmare of a life that i am "living" in. 2 have my breathing slow, then stop, my heart 2 beat out the last bit of , and 2 have just complete silence and nothingness- after all, nothing can be worse than what i am going thru right now. they claim 2 understand, but they dont know. THEY DONT KNOW what hell i am living in, what i go thru every single minute of every single day of every single week of every single month of every single year... all this crap is 3 much 2 deal with all the time, they dont know how close i come every single day to breaking and to just shove that knife into my wrist, or 2 down all those pills, ... so many things seem so hopeles right now that i see no reason in really going on. however, despite my lack of optimism (or my optimism for pessimism, or pessimism for optimism) i have decided to not until i am 100% sure that there is no hope, tho with how things are going i am not sure of that being too far away.