easing my worry

Well, one of the things I thought I had to worry about I don't have to anymore. Stew has a gf, so obv. he's moving on, which is good. On the other hand, I'm having a couple of problems with Timmy, which I'm sure we'll work out.

Tomorrow is one of my friend's birthday party, she is turning 15. Actually, she already has, but... whatever. Also, I get to see Ari, whom I haven't seen in a month. Which sucks, but oh well.

i felt really bad last night, and my throat is still messed up, which sucks, because we have festival next week for choir. I'll just have to work on it more.

lately I have been really depressed, but that should (I hope) start to get better next Wed.

Lately, I have been getting on the web and im'ing a lot. Last nite, my friend from LA got on, and we chatted for a while. I also introduced stew to her.

Not much else has been going on, so I will see yalz l8r.

My Loss of Innocence

Wow, this week sure was busy. Since the main reason of this post is actually pretty depressing, I am going to go ahead and start out with some of the lighter points.
Monday, Rachel and I stayed after school to practice, and hung out with Correy and Brendon (Brandon?) in the band room. That was fun. By the way, did I mention that that was Valentine's Day? I got some stuff from a couple of my friends.
Tuesday Rachel and I stayed after school because we had to. We did pretty good, but I messed up like four times even though everybody else just heard once. Stayed after on Wednesday too. Messed up twice, nobody noticed either time. Also, Rachel and I went to the mall. Got a skirt.
Thursday had the talent show, that went well. I wore my new outfit. Everybody liked it. I didn't mess up!!! Rachel did a bit, but no one noticed. I got a lot of compliments on how well I did. My dad didn't get it on tape though. which sucks, but Jesal's dad did, so we can probably get it from them.
I asked Timmy out on Wednesday afternoon. I knew he liked me, but I had no idea how much I liked him until that moment. I saw him at the mall yesterday, but we didn't get to hang out for long because we (my mom and I) had already been there for a while, and she wanted to go.
Here comes the bad part, or one of them. Stew found out. I had asked him to wait for me, and now I'm not single and it isn't with him. I feel bad, i really do. He's one of the last people I'd want to hurt. But he's going to have to deal with that. I don't mean that in a bad way, but he is.
This brings me to the poem- A Random Composition. I wrote this before I had even asked Timmy out, yet it fits the situation perfectly. I guess most of it is probably how stew was feeling when he found out, and the "I'm not lying when I say I tried" is my asking for his forgiveness. Scratch that, asking for forgiveness means taht you did something wrong. I didn't do anything wrong, no matter how guilty I feel. I guess, that I'm asking him to understand. Because I don't love him. I like him, sure, but I don't love him. the potential is there, somewhere, but I don't see it right now. I tried, I really did, but the whole thing just seemed...off? I don't know. What I'm asking him to do is to be able to comprehend why I did what I did, and that it wasn't meant to hurt him.
I feel like I should regret going out with Timmy, but I don't. so many people have gone "Timmy?, *scoff* what WERE you THINKING?!?!?" Personally, it is none of their business in the first place, and I have my reasons, which I don't NEED to tell everyone to get their approval. i don't need people's approval to go out with someone I like who likes me. If I did, I wouldn't have been in any relationships whatsoever. Really, though, I just wish that everyone wouldn't stick their noses in MY business.
Now, you're probably wondering "Where in the world is the topic that explains the title?" Don't worry, I didn't forget.
Thursday night, after talking to my dad, I went to my room and slammed the door. I stood there, with my hand on the doorknob, leaning against the door for a long time. All of a sudden it felt like I was back in a time in which I had no worries. I was living for the moment. i was oblivious to the fact that my life would get so messed up in the future that I would consider every single possible way out, every one. I guess I was about 4, 5, possibly 6. Just laying on the grass, contentedly ignorant of all the troubles I would face in the years to come. All of a sudden, I saw it, all of it. Every single bit of sh*t that I would be going through. And it was like my innocence had been shattered. Brutally slowly stolen and murdred. I don't know what happened next, but I found myself ready to end it all, with a lot of crap on my bed I won't mention by name on here, just ready to ... stop it. I put it all away though. But that really scared me. More than anything else i had ever done.
I really need to either succesfully kil myself once and for all, get put into a mental facility for life, or go to a psychologist and fix all this.
Did I mention that I got an appointment?
God, it might end up that the shrink will be the one kiling herself...
*maniacal laughter echoes*

A Random Composition

I am a shadow in the corner
of the room: insignificant,
lying there, for I cannot
stand alone/ by myself.
"I'm not lying when I say
I tried." *(1)
-----
Flying in the sky, a black
raven, feathers tinted with
metallic blue, does plummet
towards its temporary
immortality- about to meet
the inevitable: that which
comes to all beings.
-----
"Falling rain will shatter/ fragile illusions of grandeur.
shards are falling from the mirror/ to become a pool of mercury.
Sliding smoothly across the ground/ giving an image of delicacy." *(2)
-----
"Pick a daisy dancing in the moonlight/ it won't hurt you.
The daisy's screams:/ silent, lost to you." *(3)
-----
Facades fade away,
leaving the truth lying there:
naked, observed by all. A
bitter sun shining down on a
barren, desolate land.
-----
I see you walk away,
to meld your colors with
those of the sun, setting on the horizon-
"I wonder if you'll come back;
I trust only that you'll leave." *(4)
" I'm not lying when I say...
I tried." *(1)
---------------------------
*---
1: Quote from Hard Love, by Ellen Wittlinger
2: Quote from "Thermometer," by Julie Pyle
3: Quote from "Thermometer," by Julie Pyle
4: Quote from Hard Love, by Ellen Wittlinger

©Julie Pyle, 2005