you have no idea how sick and tired i am of everything. i'm worn out. i want to give up. constantly, i am looking for a solution to all my stupid shit, and the easiest way i can see is to swallow a bottle of pills or use that razor blade. everything is overwhelming me. i'm constantly depressed. nothing seems to work anymore. i just want to end it.
everyone seems bent on saving me, showing me how much potential i have, how much i have to live for... and yet i see nothing. all i see is more pain, and more suffering.
i don't even know how to put into words all the feelings i have right now. just shit.
the only people i really give a damn about anymore are david, carrie, daniel, rachel, stew, alan, johnathan, justin, dora... and that's it. and yet i can't help but think that they might be better off without me. one less person to worry about.
one less person to waste the already polluted air...
everything seems so bleak right now. the anti-depressants just ... stopped working. and i want to give up so badly. holding on for 4 1/2 years is too long. i'm surprised i've lasted this long. though it's not from lack of trying.
i just want an endless dreamless slumber. that sounds so peaceful- and right now...
that feels like the best i can hope for.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
blah blah blah....
well: today was practically uneventful. went to library... helped with programs. had to deal with brittany... wow, she's a pain. she is so stupid and slow... you would feel sorry for her if you didn't want to rip off her head.
one interesting thing happened: rusty called. haven't talked to him in a while: that was fun. there was no 'funny' stuff this time though. so i'm happy.
i talked to justin a week ago... he was supposed to call back.
natasha's moving to ok. so that sux, and i won't be able to see her before she goes.
i talked to rhyan s. too.
wow: my white hall friend communication thingy has gone up in the last week... hm. wonder why. maybe it's remember julie week or something???
anyway: not much else. don't really know why i posted... boredom? probably.
off to talk to my lovely bf!!!... or weird bf... that's more like it.
weird... insane... clown... bf....
-psycho peruvian peanut popper person
one interesting thing happened: rusty called. haven't talked to him in a while: that was fun. there was no 'funny' stuff this time though. so i'm happy.
i talked to justin a week ago... he was supposed to call back.
natasha's moving to ok. so that sux, and i won't be able to see her before she goes.
i talked to rhyan s. too.
wow: my white hall friend communication thingy has gone up in the last week... hm. wonder why. maybe it's remember julie week or something???
anyway: not much else. don't really know why i posted... boredom? probably.
off to talk to my lovely bf!!!... or weird bf... that's more like it.
weird... insane... clown... bf....
-psycho peruvian peanut popper person
Monday, June 26, 2006
figured it out
i know what i am going to do... or rather what i already did. i decided in a milisecond, and said it, and now that's it. it's up to david from here on out.
so basically what i told him, is that i'm not breaking up with him. he gets one more chance, and thats it. he fucks up one more time, i'm ending it. i'm not dealing with anymore bullshit, it's not worth this much. but i also told him i'd really rather him not fuck it up, and i didn't want to find out i went through all of this for nothing. cuz that would be a shame, and a pain. so yeah.
and that's it
the end...
for now.
and rachel can shut the hell up: i heard it all the first and second time: the others i quit listening. it just got annoying after that.
and i'm sorry carrie. and johnathan, i didn't mean it like that.
now: the end.
seriously.
-psycho peruvian peanut popper
so basically what i told him, is that i'm not breaking up with him. he gets one more chance, and thats it. he fucks up one more time, i'm ending it. i'm not dealing with anymore bullshit, it's not worth this much. but i also told him i'd really rather him not fuck it up, and i didn't want to find out i went through all of this for nothing. cuz that would be a shame, and a pain. so yeah.
and that's it
the end...
for now.
and rachel can shut the hell up: i heard it all the first and second time: the others i quit listening. it just got annoying after that.
and i'm sorry carrie. and johnathan, i didn't mean it like that.
now: the end.
seriously.
-psycho peruvian peanut popper
Confused...
What to do, what to do? I have no freakin' idea...
Obv, if you've been keeping up with me, you know I'm talking about David. He thinks I should do whatever makes me happy: regardless of his feelings. So that's comforting.
However: everybody else sucks: they have for a while. Anytime I said anything to Rachel- EVER- she gives me this look: like, how stupid can you be? And over half of the time, she'll lecture me about how he's going to hurt me again, and I should go ahead and get out of it. Carrie lately has also been saying I should break up with him. It's a no-brainer for her. She's not saying I'm stupid, but she says I've been making some not-so-intelligent decisions lately. Oh joy.
It's actually been a while since I've had anybody support my decision to stay with David: but hey: they're not the one in the relationship are they? I am, and I don't need to listen to what anybody else says.
But then again: if they're all in agreement, maybe they're right. Or maybe they're plotting my destruction... lol.
But I'm so confused: at the moment, it would make me happier to stay with him, as opposed to breaking up. But then what? David says he's moving back when he graduates, so that's one year with him. But when I graduate: I would love to go to Juilliard to get my music teacher education degree. So then what??? We'd be apart til I got that. And not to mention the fact that I want to get a doctorate in it. So that's extra years....
I think what I really need to do is simply think. I don't know. Now that he's fixed his life, I really want to give it one more chance, but it's still taking a risk. But that's what I live for isn't it?
We'll have to see.
I've been saying that a lot lately, haven't I?
Obv, if you've been keeping up with me, you know I'm talking about David. He thinks I should do whatever makes me happy: regardless of his feelings. So that's comforting.
However: everybody else sucks: they have for a while. Anytime I said anything to Rachel- EVER- she gives me this look: like, how stupid can you be? And over half of the time, she'll lecture me about how he's going to hurt me again, and I should go ahead and get out of it. Carrie lately has also been saying I should break up with him. It's a no-brainer for her. She's not saying I'm stupid, but she says I've been making some not-so-intelligent decisions lately. Oh joy.
It's actually been a while since I've had anybody support my decision to stay with David: but hey: they're not the one in the relationship are they? I am, and I don't need to listen to what anybody else says.
But then again: if they're all in agreement, maybe they're right. Or maybe they're plotting my destruction... lol.
But I'm so confused: at the moment, it would make me happier to stay with him, as opposed to breaking up. But then what? David says he's moving back when he graduates, so that's one year with him. But when I graduate: I would love to go to Juilliard to get my music teacher education degree. So then what??? We'd be apart til I got that. And not to mention the fact that I want to get a doctorate in it. So that's extra years....
I think what I really need to do is simply think. I don't know. Now that he's fixed his life, I really want to give it one more chance, but it's still taking a risk. But that's what I live for isn't it?
We'll have to see.
I've been saying that a lot lately, haven't I?
Saturday, June 24, 2006
The Way Things Used To Be...
Well... a lot has happened since my last post. i guess i don't really know where to start... but i guess i'll start with what triggered this post.
i talked to david last night. it was just another random call to see if he would pick up. just as i was about to hang up, he did. *sigh* it was... awkward. to say the least. i haven't talked to him in 1 month and a half basically. i had everything figured out: what i was going to do, what i was going to say... but as usual, all my plans scattered to the winds. he said he was sorry he didn't call... and though i understand, it is going to take me a while to forgive him. if i can. he said he told jessie not to say that his life was in danger, bc i would worry: as if i didn't figure it out anyway. there were so many times i had convinced myself he was dead, or forgot about me, or both... and now this. i don't think i will be able to simply jump back into the relationship where we left off. he said that while he was out on the streets, he had time to think, and figure out stuff about himself... my time away from him has led me to make discoveries too: about me, what i want, our relationship... we have a lot we need to work on. i don't even know where i'm going right now. i'm not making any plans on what to say when we talk again tonight. i'll let my heart and my head take me there when we reach the fork in the road.
one thing i'm sure about is that i need time and space. i'm not saying i'm going to break up with him... just that... argh... so hard to explain. there is a lot i have to think about. he's supposed to be coming back towards the end of july- hopefully before i go to my piano camp. i guess i'll need to figure all this stuff out before he goes back to co. he's planning on moving back here when he graduates. he's clean now. and it's not that these are bad things. they're good. and i'm glad one of us has our life in control, has goals... i don't know. i guess, in a way, i do want things to be the way they used to. along with other things...
still haven't been eating anything to speak off. haven't cut... though i felt like it last night. not bc david answered... to make sure it was real. it was too good to be true: i didn't WANT to believe it, bc i thought if i did, everything would come crashing down. also my bpd has led me to believe several things that have happened inside my head: i.e. i am sitting down at my desk doing homework, or writing a poem, and then i sort of... blur, and found out i've been sitting on the floor in my closet for the last 45 min. i didn't want that to have happened with david. i've stopped smoking completely: i was going to yest., when i was home sick, but i changed my mind. about the other stuff i started back up on... david is trying to get me to quit. and i want to: but i have so much more stuff to deal with: to take it all on at once would be overwhelming. i'm trying to deal with things one at a time: but now they're all so intertwined and tangled, it's like a knot: if i pull on the wrong string, the whole thing becomes tighter and more impossible to untangle.
in the end, i wish i could be 4 again... that was the last time i didn't have anything to worry about: keeping my grades up, drugs, my weight... or at least be with david: sometime in the first or second week or our relationship: after that it was always... tainted in some way or another. we would work through it... but there were shadows in the background: which is what i need to figure out: do i take a relationship that mostly makes me happy, but when it doesn't, it hurts me badly, or do i do away with it, and have one less thing to worry about, but also one less anchor to hold me down, or do i simply take a break? figure things out? ... i guess i'll have to see tonight. but the fact that david's changed changes things. maybe i can change too.
i talked to david last night. it was just another random call to see if he would pick up. just as i was about to hang up, he did. *sigh* it was... awkward. to say the least. i haven't talked to him in 1 month and a half basically. i had everything figured out: what i was going to do, what i was going to say... but as usual, all my plans scattered to the winds. he said he was sorry he didn't call... and though i understand, it is going to take me a while to forgive him. if i can. he said he told jessie not to say that his life was in danger, bc i would worry: as if i didn't figure it out anyway. there were so many times i had convinced myself he was dead, or forgot about me, or both... and now this. i don't think i will be able to simply jump back into the relationship where we left off. he said that while he was out on the streets, he had time to think, and figure out stuff about himself... my time away from him has led me to make discoveries too: about me, what i want, our relationship... we have a lot we need to work on. i don't even know where i'm going right now. i'm not making any plans on what to say when we talk again tonight. i'll let my heart and my head take me there when we reach the fork in the road.
one thing i'm sure about is that i need time and space. i'm not saying i'm going to break up with him... just that... argh... so hard to explain. there is a lot i have to think about. he's supposed to be coming back towards the end of july- hopefully before i go to my piano camp. i guess i'll need to figure all this stuff out before he goes back to co. he's planning on moving back here when he graduates. he's clean now. and it's not that these are bad things. they're good. and i'm glad one of us has our life in control, has goals... i don't know. i guess, in a way, i do want things to be the way they used to. along with other things...
still haven't been eating anything to speak off. haven't cut... though i felt like it last night. not bc david answered... to make sure it was real. it was too good to be true: i didn't WANT to believe it, bc i thought if i did, everything would come crashing down. also my bpd has led me to believe several things that have happened inside my head: i.e. i am sitting down at my desk doing homework, or writing a poem, and then i sort of... blur, and found out i've been sitting on the floor in my closet for the last 45 min. i didn't want that to have happened with david. i've stopped smoking completely: i was going to yest., when i was home sick, but i changed my mind. about the other stuff i started back up on... david is trying to get me to quit. and i want to: but i have so much more stuff to deal with: to take it all on at once would be overwhelming. i'm trying to deal with things one at a time: but now they're all so intertwined and tangled, it's like a knot: if i pull on the wrong string, the whole thing becomes tighter and more impossible to untangle.
in the end, i wish i could be 4 again... that was the last time i didn't have anything to worry about: keeping my grades up, drugs, my weight... or at least be with david: sometime in the first or second week or our relationship: after that it was always... tainted in some way or another. we would work through it... but there were shadows in the background: which is what i need to figure out: do i take a relationship that mostly makes me happy, but when it doesn't, it hurts me badly, or do i do away with it, and have one less thing to worry about, but also one less anchor to hold me down, or do i simply take a break? figure things out? ... i guess i'll have to see tonight. but the fact that david's changed changes things. maybe i can change too.
Tuesday, June 6, 2006
summer!
well: school's out: woohoo! me happy...
and bored.
i'm chatting with J right now: jonathan for stupid people. he's trying to convince me that i'm actually going to do something with my life... heh: funny...
so: i went to the piano competition: i did well, just not well enough: but what do you expect when you put a hispanic up against 2 chinese people and an obsessive-perfectionist indian?
dora is coming in 3 days! wee! our 4 day time together is packed.
um... i've been volunteering at the library lately: and will be: should be fun.
not much else: so later!
-Julie
and bored.
i'm chatting with J right now: jonathan for stupid people. he's trying to convince me that i'm actually going to do something with my life... heh: funny...
so: i went to the piano competition: i did well, just not well enough: but what do you expect when you put a hispanic up against 2 chinese people and an obsessive-perfectionist indian?
dora is coming in 3 days! wee! our 4 day time together is packed.
um... i've been volunteering at the library lately: and will be: should be fun.
not much else: so later!
-Julie
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