Decisions...

Well, I need to make some. So here goes...

First off, I have to fucking try harder in school. I'm still sitting here skimming by. I have an A in oral comm, an A in intro to int des, B's in bio and art, and a C in psych. I need to keep my grades up so that I can keep my goddamn scholarship.

Meanwhile, if I lose it and can't get it back within one semester, I'm saying screw it and moving to CO. I'll get the degree later. Well, that is, if David still wants me up there.

Speaking of, I'm not going to let myself sit here and pine over David. I don't even think I was in the first place. I just... really wanted to be with him. And couldn't. But I wasn't really upset about that... it bugged me, but didn't bother me. I don't know how to explain it. But w/e. If we end up back together again, then we do, if we don't, then... we don't.

I'm also going to try to not let michael get to me anymore. Because really, I've been trying to deny things. I still love him. Always will. But I don't want to put up with his bullshit selfish immaturity, the pain, the paranoia, the unfulfilled expectations, the betrayal, the broken promises, the heartbreak. It's not worth it. There is somebody out there, actually a lot of people, that would treat me better than that. That wouldn't need 5, or 6, or 7 chances to prove that they cared. That wouldn't cause me to lose so many nights of sleep, to cry so much. Yeah, I wanted to be with him. And I still want to be with the guy that I thought he was, that he said he was. But he's not that person. I don't know that he ever will be. And that sucks, but I can't change it, and it's not my fault. If I wasn't good enough for him the way I was, or the way I am, then it wasn't meant to be.

And really, I don't need a guy. I shouldn't. I keep using relationships to justify my existence. I don't care about myself, so I always have to have someone around that does, if only to keep me from offing myself. Which is retarded. I don't need that. I'm better than that. It's just this low-ass self-esteem.

I'm not leading Jon on anymore. It was dumb to begin with, it's dumb now. I already told him I wasn't sleeping with him anymore, and I don't mind hanging out with him. I just really don't want or need a boyfriend right now. And I wouldn't want him as a boyfriend anyway. Nothing against him, but he's just not not what I'm looking for at the moment.

And I need to set Dylan straight. Again. I don't need to drag him into this. I'm not even leading him on, I'm just letting him follow his own feelings, his own assumptions, and not correcting him that I don't feel the same way.

And I need to stop hurting myself. In any way shape or form. Whether it's physical, mental/emotional, or putting myself out there for other people to hurt. This one's going to be the hardest.

I also need to stop spending so much money. Should probaby quit smoking, or at least cut back... yeah, cut back. Lol.

I'm going to try to write on here a lot more too. It's a good form of therapy. Self-mediated therapy.

But it really does suck that I don't get to see Dr. Fawcet again until the 7th. Ugh, whatever.

Anyway, I think that's it for now. We'll see how I'm doing later...

Adios.

So Alone...

I don't think you get how fucked up I am. How freaking desperate, and out of control, and self-destructive I've become lately. And I'm sitting here trying to hold it all back, and I keep seeing all these tiny bursts come out, in bits and pieces. But it feels like I won't be able to hold it back much longer. Like one minor thing is going to happen, and it's going to push me over the edge.

I don't even know who the fuck I'm talking to right now. Maybe myself. Maybe someone else. I don't think it particularly matters either.

I cut again the other day. Just once, but god did I want to push down. I just don't feel like trying anymore. I don't have any strength left to try, and no strength left to give up. It's just existing at this point. I can't make up my mind about anything. I don't want to. It just takes too much effort, and doesn't ever seem to come to anything when I do choose something. I don't know what I want. What I want to do, who I want to be with, whether or not I want to live. There's so much I keep inside, hidden, even from myself, until I end up sitting in my room alone, and start thinking about my life. Which I try to avoid at all costs. I have tried to keep so busy, tried to substitute things in to fill the whole, this void, tried to keep myself occupied. But it still hurts, everything still hurts. I don't want to do this anymore, live this semblance of a life. I want to feel something other than this despair. I want a real smile on this face, not this flawed mask shielding the broken thing inside.

I miss people. Those people that made me feel something. I just want to feel something. Jesal, Carrie, Michael, David... I don't want to be alone. I am here, constantly trying to hang out with people, partying, fooling around, trying to have what I had with those four people, and it's not the same. I felt alive around them. And now... none of it matters.

I had sex with Jon. It was stupid. I was pissed, and reckless, and upset. And he was there. So I did it. And I lead him on, because it feels good to know that someone wants me. Because it still feels like I wasn't good enough. Not for Michael, not for David. And it's so fucking RETARDED. That's not how it was. Michael was a douchebag, and David... well... we have to go our own ways... But it kills me to know that I don't really care about what I'm doing here, but I care about him, and could be with him, that he would have been ok with me coming to CO with him, happy about it even, and I passed it up...

I don't know... why I feel this way... I thought it was gone. I thought I was over that. It just feels like everybody around me knows themselves so much better... and I can't find myself. All I can do is sit here and try to keep breathing, try to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I want to go get drunk and die in a car crash.... I want to be confronted, hit.... I want to be yelled at... I want something to respond to, or something to make it so that I can't respond period. I want to feel. I don't want to be alone.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I'm Waiting

Intentionally forsaken
Given up to this numb sense
of non-being.
You pushed me to the ground,
cut out my heart,
raised it to the air in a toast,
then took a bite.
"Delicious" you murmured,
as my soul screamed,
caught somewhere between
here and the abyss.
My glazed eyes saw the blade,
and my mind yearned for its release.
But you, my worst enemy
and closest friend,
denied me this, my most
cursed deliverance.
Instead, you offer me
your black cloak:
to keep out all the bad things,
yet, still surrounding me
with darkness.
You leave, while comforting me
with broken promises
and empty oaths,
another heartache in the making.
"A place in my heart,
a place by my side,"
an honest attempt to
keep me alive.
But too late to save
the broken pieces inside.
Pieces which fell like the rain
as you walked away that
falsely cheerful day.
I'll be waiting,
waiting for this twilight to end,
allowing the dark to descend.
The chance to sleep,
dreams bringing relief,
and waking up to the birth
of a new day.

fuck, FUCK, FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!

I don't know what to do. I don't even know that there is anything to do anything about. It's complete and total crap. I was NOT planning on this. Of course, what the hell do I expect.

David and I broke up. Well, technically we're on a hiatus- indefinite break. We still talk, still say we love each other. Apparently still have sex. And you know- it's sorta pissing me off. I want to be with him. Almost too much. I keep thinking about just up and leaving- driving to CO and picking him up on the way. But he'd be pissed (for certain reasons), and I would regret leaving this. This being- a (practically) free education, safety net, job, friends, and basically everything I've known. But I wouldn't regret leaving it to be with him. To get away. To get independent. To start over. And yes, to a lesser degree, to escape.

I know we talked about me getting my bachelor degree and then moving up there to try it again with him. But I can't help but feel that he'd have someone else by that time. Someone better than me. Not hard, considering I think everyone is better than me. But still... shit hurts. And I know we've gone over this before too, but I can't help but feel that I wasn't good enough to keep him. Not even necessarily to keep him here, but to keep him with me.

I've felt so alone lately. The four people I was closest to are/seem so far away. Carrie can't see me, Jesal's in Ohio, Michael's in Chicago, David's in OK, soon to be in CO if he has his way. And frankly, getting betrayed like that from Michael over and over and over still hurts. I may be over him, but I don't know that I'll ever get over that.

The words he said are still burned in my brain. I thought I had found someone. I never thought there would be anyone that wanted to marry me, and he said he wanted to. And I believed him. And I gave him chance after chance, and it still wasn't enough. I still wasn't enough. I actually had felt good about myself for once, and everything got ripped to shreds. I built up my wall better than ever before. And yet thinking about those messages, his betrayals, his broken promises, still tears me to pieces inside.

And now I wonder if I'll ever be good enough for anyone. Yeah, he says he'll stand beside me, but out of obligation or love? And if not, is our love enough to last 4 years of distance?

You know what? I'm numb too. I keep wanting something to happen so that I can test myself and whether I give a damn anymore or not, and something might have happened, and I still don't know. Frankly, I don't think I can do this. I'm not stable enough, or in the right position to. And that sorta kills me. But that also relieves me, because then I won't have to give a damn. I don't think I want to anymore, because it seems like everytime I do, shit just goes from bad to worse. but w/e.

i'm done.

I Wanna Feel...

So much has been going on lately. I don't even know where to start.

It feels like I'm stable... but I know I'm not. I completely broke down the other day in the shower. Started contemplating getting my razor and slicing up my arms to shreds.