Facebook Status: "[I am] seriously considering a major disappearing act."

Thanks to a friend...

her: u can't dissappear! I'll MISS U JULIE!!!!! ♥!!!!

me: Lol: I'm thinking about disappearing because I need to get away. I've been really depressed and really stressed out here, and it hasn't just been lately. I need a change. Everything in my life has been so meticulously planned out, and none of it pans out the way it was intended to. I end up frustrated and disappointed, and I need some spontaneity. I have a chance for that. I'll keep in touch, but I just won't physically be in AR anymore. I'll miss you too.

me: PS: it hasn't even been completely decided yet, it's just a possibility.

her: yea i kno wut u mean. i wanna run away too. im kinda jealous cuz my sister just left ab a half hour ago n prob wont be home 4 a few hours. idk it just sux there's so much abuse in this house and im sick and tired of acting like it doesnt exist i just wanna go somewhere w/ a normal functional family ya kno?
accept idk wut u mean ab stuff being so maticulosly planned out cuz w. me its just the opposite. my mom says she cares half the time then the other half acts like she doesnt give a damn. but i mean was it like ur parents made all these plans 4 u or u just had all these plans and decisions and now they're not working?
mayb it's God's/fate's *depending on wut u belive* way of telling u it wasnt ment 2 b or wasnt rite 4 u?
spontinaity is always good just be safe I dont want nething to happen 2 u Julie! And most importantly:
TAKE ME WITH YOU BEFORE I DIE!!!! haha jk jk i shuld still b here wen u get back unless my mother has shipped me somewhere.
do wut makes u happy and safe and is logical nothing like not finishing skool or nething like that.
how long r u leaving me and do u kno where ur gonna go?SAFE!!!

me: it's like my parents made the plans, and i just blindly accepted them. it's the expected things to do: graduate from high school, go to college, start a career, get married, have kids, retire, die. it's so blase though. that's not what i want. i want adventure, excitement. fun. i'm tired of planning and having shit turn out differently. if i don't plan, then no expectations, then how can i say i was let down?
only issue is, i don't know if or when i would be coming back. david (the new bf) is going back to colorado, where he could get a job lined up, and wants to work for about 6 months to a year, save up money, and go to europe for a couple of months. he plans on doing it for a while, then coming back, and going to college, and doing all that stuff. i guess it's the whole live while you can. i want the chance to be crazy and travel, and i can settle down later. david is the only one i trust enough to do this with. he didn't even ask me to do it: he said he'd do it, then come back, and his feelings would never change (concerning me), and he wasn't abandoning me, but this was something he needed to do. Which i understand. and it's weird, cuz the other day i was talking to one of my friends, and suddenly realized that the only reason i'm going to college now is because "that's the way it is." that's what happens 99% of the time. but i'm not the general population, i'm me. and i want to go with him.
and it's not just to be with him. it's to get away, to explore, to live a little. lately i've felt like i'm playing all these roles: the good student, the nice daughter, the devoted musician, the perfect fiancee for michael. and none of those things were really me. david doesn't expect anything out of me: he wanted me to go to college cuz that's what he thought i wanted. but the only reason i would be doing it now is because it was "part of the plan."
i seem to have come to this conclusion that if i have the good grades, the nice bf/husband, the nice career, the nice house, that i will be happy. but none of this stuff brings you happiness. it's doing what you want to do when you want to do it and accepting reality how it is and just being content with that. there's no formula, no requirements. i was looking in all the wrong places for happiness. now i finally figured out what i want.
structure can be nice, but it's not necessarily for me. i have a wild streak. and yeah, the time is going to come when i want to settle down and have everything in my life planned out, but i want some adventure first. if i have that now, i'm going to feel stuck, and restless. i want to be able to appreciate that once it comes. everything in my life has been concrete plans, detailed blueprints. i'm tired of it.
i don't know how long i would be gone. i'm still not sure that i am going, but probably. it'd be a while. i might go with david, and end up quitting earlier than he does. i might go and decide to stay in whereever we're going. i know i want to go to peru for a bit. it's where i was born, and i'd like to find my birth mother. i've been to europe before, and david would like to go. it all depends.
but that's what i love about it: i don't know what could be coming around the corner. i have no freakin idea, and yet that takes such a load off of my shoulders. i'm always sitting here stressing, hoping that the work i'm doing will be enough to let the plan pan out as intended. i'm looking 15 years, 20 years, 30 years, down the road, trying to make sure i do everything noe to end up at the places i want to be then. and it's retarded: even if i did everything right, there's no guarantee that it would turn out "correctly," and i'd be frustrated. meanwhile, i might have missed a lot of good things- opportunities, people, places, etc- focusing on that future point that ended up never even coming into existence. what kind of life is that?
if i do make the decision to go with him, i'll have definitely thought it all through. i'm not doing this lightheartedly. i know that things could go bad, i know that i've got at least the makings of a comfortable life if i stay. but i'm not looking at comfort, or niceness. i'm looking for contentment, and if i can get it, happiness. i've been looking for, working for, the "good, sensible" stuff for too long. now i need what's right for me.
-----
I don't think I could explain it better.

"You Having Second Thoughts?"

Fuck yeah, but not about what you think.

I don't know about any of the shit I'm doing, ok? I thought several things were gone, or eliminated, or whatever the hell you wanna call it. Not just you, but Carrie, smoking, weed, my parents, my eating disorder, my depression. My ambivalence towards my own fucking life.

Being with you is one of the things I'm sure I want. Yeah, I get that it's going to be hard. Trust me, I'm used to it. And at least I'll have your shoulder to lean in.

I'll admit, it'd be nice if you quit smoking (period), were physically closer, and had everything in your life straightened out. But I wasn't looking for something nice. I was looking for something real.

I guess I found it, huh? Almost more than I wished for. I'd say it's a breath of fresh air, but it's more like a blast of crisp cold wind. But at least I can tell it's crisp and cold, rather than just being numb from a continuous beating. I like fighting for what I want, otherwise I feel like I don't deserve it. Just sitting back and taking a fucking beating is so not where I'm wanting to go right now. Just got done getting back up.

But I think Carrie's right: I'm just nervous again. For all of the same reasons. I keep wondering if I'm going to be living "hurry up and wait" forever.

I'm fucking tired of waiting. I get so impatient. I like to know what's around the next bend. And it feels so freaking confusing. It's like there's either so many bends that we'll either get lost or come round full circle. I don't want either.

I feel like I should cry right now. There's so much crap running through my head... just with my life, in general, and I'm so frustrated. I want to give up. You wanna know why go to cfm.

I just want to get to college. At least get out of this house. Some people can't take the out-front, obvious, noticeable stuff. But I can't stand the atmosphere. The unsaid things, the feelings of the past. It's like ten tons of bricks weighing down on me.

I feel like I'm already preparnig myself for the crash landing. I'm running on autopilot, and my actual self is being put on ice til I hit equilibrium again.

Why do I feel so lost and alone? Why do I feel like I cut out my own soul so no one else could? I'm suspended right before the fall off the edge of the cliff of control, logic, reason, sanity.

Why can't I breathe?

The Many Faces of Michael

Michael's been pulling a lot of shit. It's pissing me the fuck off.

We were out in the car, and he asked me what I wanted to do. We had just been fighting again, for a couple of hours. The same as almost every other day before hand for a couple of weeks. I said I had no idea where we could go from there. He said maybe it was time for us to break up. I agreed, reluctantly. I really loved him, but I was fucking tired of all the fighting, of crying myself to sleep night after night, and waking up morning after morning, hoping that that day would be different. That maybe I'd be good enough to keep his interest focused on me, that maybe I wouldn't argue with him that day, that I'd be who he wanted me to be. I was hurting so badly- my heart had been beaten, bruised, cut up, chewed, spit out, and then just obliterated. I wanted him to be the one. I thought I wasn't going to have to look anymore, that I had someone to have for life. Someone I could be happy with. Someone that loved me no matter what. I'm not saying that things were always bad, or even that they were completely horrible in the end. If they had been, it wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. There were good things too. I gave those good things so many chances to surpass the bad, I gave Michael so many chances to live up to his word. And it didn't happen. I gave so much for this to work, and it didn't. Obviously it wasn't meant to be. I shouldn't have to go through that much for the chance to be happy.

("and from the first to all the last times, all the signs said stop, but we went on whole-hearted, it ended bad, but i loved where we started..." Parting Gift- Fiona Apple)

But then the shit hits the fan.

First he pretends that he's fine- everything's dandy. He's ok with breaking up, it's for the best. It wasn't working anyway. Maybe he expected me to crawl back to him, or at least try harder for us to get back together. I asked him multiple times during the first 48 hours if he thought we were making the right decision. As bad of a decision as it might have been, there is a chance I would have taken him back if he had said no. I would have regretted it, and probably would have broken up again later if I had. But I still might have takenhim back. And he missed out. After 48 hours, the regret dissipated. I was mainly relieved. Yeah, it still hurt, yeah, I was still upset, but I accepted it. It had been over for a long time.

Then he tries saying that he screwed up, he knew better now. He's learned from all his mistakes. He still wants me back.

I'm sorry: why couldn't you have done that while we were in the relationship. It shouldn't take breaking up for you to change. Not if you really wanted me as badly as you claimed. You're too fucking self-centered. You were going to act how you wanted, when you wanted, with whom you wanted. It's only when you lost what you really wanted, that you decide to change. And what guarantee would I have anyway? Your word again? Yeah, a lot of good that did me the first, oh, I don't know, hundred, thousand, million times? Right. I'm totally going to trust that again.

Oh, and then let's go and pull the same shit you did while in the relationship. Blame it all on me: I nagged, I never opened up, I left you for David. I never intended on being serious: you were just filler while he was gone. And now I'm running back to him.

Dude: I admit, I can nag, when I have reason to. I didn't open up to you, because you completely ruined my trust. But you weren't filler, and I didn't intend on getting together with David. It just happened. It wouldn't have even been a possibility, not even have occured to me, if we hadn't broken up. Shut the fuck up.

I'm tired of your games. I'm tired of you pulling whatever shit you can to try and get me back. It isn't going to happen. I'm not putting myself through hell again for anybody. Especially not you, not when you had your chance and fucked it up beyond all belief. You reap what you sow, and you didn't put shit into our relationship, so you don't get shit back. Fucking deal with it already.

I'm with David: I get that it hurts. But it was over a long time ago for us: neither of us wanted to see it though. Yeah, I've moved on, yeah, I've found someone I'm happy with. And if you cared about me as much as you say you do, you'd be happy for me. But all you care about is yourself: you're pissed because you don't have me, and someone else does. You'd be upset if I was with anyone, but he makes it worse for you. I'd be sorry if you weren't being such a self-centered douchebag.

I'm done with this: we broke up, and you're still managing to piss me off. This is my last rant. I'm not putting up with it anymore. I deserve better than this.

People need to be okay with the decisions that they make, and the consequences that they get.

If you make a decision, stand behind it. If you say it, mean it. If you do it, don't lie about it. If you are it, don't deny it. Otherwise, just don't.

Goodbye Michael.

What I Can't Find the Breath to Say...

Maybe he's right. I don't want to believe it, part of me doesn't. But after last night, after yesterday period, I can't help but thinking that maybe.... he's right.



Yesterday I went and hung out with Jon from White Hall. He goes to UCA (for now), and was showing me around campus, around Conway. And I had fun. I don't ever think under any circumstances I'd want to be in a relationship with him- it's weird enough I went out with his brother, and although he's cool to hang out with, I'd get bored with him, or frustrated, if it was anything other than a friendship. It takes a damn lot for me to stand someone for longer than 2 months. But it just made me realize that I wouldn't mind not being tied down for a while. I mean, after being with Michael for a year and a half, and then within a month, jumping into an already semi-serious relationship with David, I don't know. Because in all truth, being with David isn't one of those relationships I get into to fill the time, or rebound, or even one that might be a little serious, but I know isn't going to last. I really want to see where we can take this. I'd like to think it's going to last, but at the moment I'm not expecting anything. But that doesn't mean that I'm not willing to wait and see.

But maybe it is too early. Maybe I need some more time. In all truth, I think I would rather just stay with him now that it's already done. Maybe we did get a little caught up in the moment. Everything just seemed so unbelievably perfect for the first time that we were seeing each other again. It was so easy to say yes. And I don't regret it at all. But I think if he had waited, for instance until the next time we saw each other (hopefully this coming week), that I would have held off. I really dont know how to explain it, and I know he's going to be reading this at some point, and I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I do know one thing though. After my relationship with Michael, I'm not staying with anybody again if my whole heart isn't in it. And not just my heart, but my mind too. So at least he can (hopefully) rest assured that I know, and am okay with, what I'm doing.

As for eating... Unfortunately I see it being to easy to "not find the time" to do it during college. I'll just make excuses to myself: I'm too busy, i need to study, can get in extra work hours, do it later... and simply... not. Frankly, I still hate my body. I'm just not doing anything about it right now, because right now it would take effort. I'd have to make up excuses for my parents, and probably just avoid going into the kitchen ever. But at college, I'd have to make the effort to go get food.

As bad as it is, 89 lbs sounds really nice. And that part of my brain has convinced itself that I would stop there. I'm not planning on killing myself, just dropping about 25 lbs. I don't want to die. Just lose some weight. I've made it so that I think I can control it, but somewhere else, I also know that if I let it go that far, I won't be controlling shit.

Things are just majorly sucking right now. Really, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have David. I mean, I'd make it, but he definitely makes things easier.

Too Much

It ALWAYS has to be my goddamn fault, doesn't it? I'M the one that screwed up the relationship, I'M the one that did everything wrong, I'M the one who was talking to people behind the other person's back. IT'S ALL MY FUCKING FAULT!!!

So, supposedly, Michael was just filler while David was gone. David and I still had shit going the whole time, despite the fact that we weren't even TALKING, and I was just running back to him. So now, I'm the one that's being a bitch, and ...

You know, he finally got to me. Nothing he said before ever got to me. I was thankful for that. None of his games worked. But when he finally had to go and accuse me of being completely fake throughout the whole relationship, and insinuate that everything that I had to go through was apparently for absolutely nothing...

He sucks. He acts like this didn't hurt me. Like I didn't want for this to work. Like none of this made a damn difference to me. I did want it to work. But it just wasn't.

And again, it's all my fault.

Fuck him.

Now...

I was so scared that I was getting my hopes up for nothing. That David would insist on us just being friends, either for his own personal reasons, because he thought he was holding me back, or because he didn't want to screw up our friendship, and this indescribable connection that we have.
So much for that fear. Now I just have to worry about the larger ones.
The whole, me getting my heart broken (again), me being alone, my hopes completely obliterated.
It just seems to me that the minute I get closer to what I want, I subconsciously try to screw it up. I go to lengths to find something, anything, that's wrong, and then blow it out of proportion. My mind stretches facts and fears so far to make me paranoid about one thing or another. I constantly question everything.
David said something interesting the other day though: he said one of the main reasons he hadn't gotten into a relationship in a while was because of lack of trust, yet that didn't even come into the picture with me. I was grateful, but I noticed the same thing on my side. Obviously not with the whole not being in a relationship for a while. But it's like I pick and choose the guys I'm going to be in a relationship with. Either I'm not going to give a crap what they do bc I really don't care that much about them, or else (at the time) I'd give anything to be with them, and to just have them be worthy of my trust. Love without trust just leads to torment. It sucks, but it's the truth, which I know better than ever after my relationship with Michael.
But it's not just a matter of love, or trust, or wanting it that will make a relationship work. If it were, I would have nothing to worry about now. It just seems that nothing ever goes right for me. I'm trying my best not to worry about it, and to just be content that I have David again: both as a friend and a boyfriend. And I am happy with that. But I can't help thinking about tomorrow. It's not in my nature to simply think about now. I've always been the type to plan in advance. And I guess I just feel like, if it's going to end, I want to be able to plan for that- as weird as that sounds. For instance, with a career: I always, ALWAYS, had a back-up plan for if my main choice fell through. I had a plan for if it fell through in college, or out in the workplace. But I don't want to think about this ending, so I don't think about it, and then I don't plan for it, but the fact that it ending is still a possibility makes me stress over the fact that I don't have a plan for it... And it's so confusing and frustrating.
I at least wish we were closer- like distance speaking. When I saw him a couple of days ago, ... I don't even know where to start. He made me so comfortable, so at ease, and it sorta scared me a bit. I became so aware of everything about myself, so self-conscious, but not in a bad way. It's like, for once, I was seeing myself through his eyes: perfectly flawed. I was suddenly aware of all the reasons why he loved me. All the reasons I had to give a damn about myself. It sucks, because I actually had that for a little while with Michael, but then stuff ended up getting shitty, and (apparently) everything was my goddamn fault, and I was never good enough. But lying there with David, it seemed like (as corny as it is), we were the only things that existed. I wasn't thinking about my weight, or my make-up, or how i looked. I wasn't thinking about my parents (except for trying to come up with excuses for me to stay longer). I wasn't thinking about school, or my job, or a career. I wasn't worried about gas money, or paying bills. None of it really mattered. I was just in the moment- just happy I could finally be with him again.
If I wasn't so "giddy" when I left, I would have freaking screamed. I did NOT want to go. He said a couple of times while I was there "I need to get my own place." At the same time, I was thinking 'yeah, and a lot of good that will do if i'm still at home.' I hate how my parents still try to keep me on this short leash. it's ridiculous: I'm 18, legally an adult. I'll be going off to college in exactly 6 weeks. And they're not going to have a say in what I do then. What difference does a measly six weeks make? And it sucks, because I'm sure I could find a place to stay for six weeks if they did decide to kick me out, and with the scholarship, I would only be needing about 200-300 dollars for this semester, which I've got, plus some. Plus quite a bit, actually. I wish they'd see that I'm grown up enough, mature enough, to make my own decisions, and deal with the aftermath.
Anyway, in other news. I'm totally blaming David for the fact that I haven't eaten much in the past 70 hours. Lol. I basically had lunch Thursday, nothing Thursday night, a glass of milk before I left for David's on Friday, a caramel frappaccino and a bag of hot fries Friday night, 2 red bulls Saturday afternoon, along with another Caramel frappaccino, and 8 chicken nuggets with bbq sauce from chik-fil-a. and then a glass of berry smoothie health crap last night, and i think maybe another glass of milk. and nothing this morning. it's all been beverages, (mainly caffeine), a tiny bit of junk food, and a tiny bit of protein.
But hey: my stomach looks good. Nice and flat....
Still not great though. I mean, I did feel sick all of yesterday. But mainly, I just feel thirsty: so I drink. Not really much in the hunger department. No tengo mucho hambre. I do not have much hunger. I can't really help it though.
I don't know: not much else going on. Just been reading. Which reminds me, need to get "The Garden" back from rusty, and on the next trip up, give David Slaughterhouse 5, and that.
And Dora's coming up on Friday!!! Yay!

Old-Ass Poem

Defend yourself
from the lies they throw you.
screaming face
stripping on a bar
your innocence is
prominent
your remedy, a
shot of morphine
laced with faerie dust
rivulets of blood
seep from your eyes
as you claw at them
in an ettempt to not
see the monster you
have become
clip your wings
black, caked with the
scum you slept with
the previous night.
You never knew
what it was
to be tainted
until you saw
heaven's clouds
through acid-enhanced
tears.
In a purple bra and
leather miniskirt
you run through the
streets of London
yelling "Fuck me!"
at every red-headed
man you see, and
every green-eyed woman
you don't.
Escaping to a time before
conception, an
exclusive club for
God, transvestites,
and foamy,
you search for
the paper moon
stuffed with fillet
mignon that would
cure your perfect
mind. Lace duct tape
covering your nose
and Cherry-flavored
Tylenol contaminating
your brain.

Old Times

It's crazy how we can be so easily reminded of what we used to have, the lives we used to lead. And it's so tempting to go back to it, bc all you remember are the good parts, at least, that's what happens if you're in a shitty position in the present.
I went to hang out with Carrie today, and ended up driving her brother and his friend around for a while. Ended up at her brother's friend's house while they were rolling joints and smoking cigarettes. And drinking. It brought back so memories.
So what did I do...?
Absolutely nothing. You would be proud of me. But it wasn't like I wasn't offered anything, or like I wasn't tempted. And sorely so. I simply chose not to.
Sorta sucked. But whatever.
Lol: Carrie thinks I should hook up with Winston (her brother) as my rebound. Whatever, that'd be awkward as hell.
Plus, she said it wouldn't be fair, considering she's wanted to hook up with me forever, so I'd have to hook up with her first. I told her it'd probably weird her brother out if I said she was better than him tho, so... lol.
In any case. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. (When did I ever?) I'm starting college soon, probably at UCA just so it's less money. Which I hate. But whatever. I've been asked out on a date (no commitment), and I said sure. Dylan and I are talking and hanging out more. Jonathan and i have been talking. And then there's David.
It's just weird: all the other guys are cool and everything, but... they're not David. And I know I'm coming at this sounding really cliche or whatever, but I don't care. It's just that right now, I'm not really paying attention to anyone but him, at least, not as a possible candidate for the boyfriend position. Frankly, I think it'd be nice to go out on a couple of just casual dates, so I can at least get some of my tendency for rebounding out of my system. I'm sure I'll have plenty of opportunities for that at college, or even beforehand. But I'm not looking for anything physical, or serious at the moment. Just need time to wind down from Michael. Or, maybe not him, but my expectations of the relationship I had with him. W/e.
Lol: and then there's my parents. I've just given up with them. Screw it: I'm out and practically on my own in a month and a half (six weeks, whatever), and I am 18, and I don't really give a damn anymore. I'm done. All they do is piss me off, or make me miserable, or feel like I'm not good enough. So I'm done.
I just wish I could get everything in my mind sorted out. All my feelings, emotions, urges, wants, etc, are still so screwed up and tangled. But I guess I'm going to just have to deal with crap once i get out of here.
Lol: it's just been a couple of days, but I still miss talking to David. Even if it wasn't about all this stuff, at least he could take my mind off of it for a while. Eh, I'll talk to him/ see him later.
But I have been reconnecting with a lot of old friends: Dora, Carrie, Jesal (in a way), David, Jonathan, Dylan.
Damn: for once it's even. Normally guys are more...
Oh wait, Rusty. Damnit. And here I was getting excited.
Oh well...

Life is a like an Amusement Park

I've come to notice that now: it seems like everything in the world has a parallel in that ever so fun place. "Life is like a roller coaster," things swing back and forth, go round and round, you fight your way to the top trying to get that prize. And we all get fat on funnel cakes, hot dogs, and cotton candy. How freaking perfect.
I feel like I've been on this huge up-swing, and I'm about to come whizzing down ridiculously fast. And it feels like I'm heading towards a brick wall.
I woke up feeling sick today. Yes, physically, but it's the kind of sick that comes with anticipation, and I don't mean the good kind. The kind of sick that comes before a potentially life-changing performance of some kind, and you suddenly realized that you know nothing at all. That it was all a dream.
I don't know what to do anymore. About anything. It seems so retarded: I should be fine. But I'm not. I'm not even sure I want to be anymore, because when things are already bad, it's like you don't have to worry about it too much. I got used to having that bad stuff there. I grew accustomed to it; it even provided me with some modicum of peace, safety, security. Getting better, being fine, means I'm at risk of being happy, and then losing it all. And at this point, I think I would rather live my life a little screwed up, a little broken, than constantly waiting for it all to fall apart. Or even worse, expecting it to last, and being proven wrong.
I know I shouldn't want to weigh 89 pounds anymore. So I convince myself that I don't really want that. But in all truth, I wouldn't mind. I would be ecstatic to weigh that much again. To get rid of all this fat that covers my body. To have control of one thing: I can't fix how broken I am on the inside, but maybe I could fix it on the outside.
I still think about hurting myself. Whether it's cutting or burning, I don't give a damn. Today I was making a baked potato (again), and I touched the pan it was lying on, and simply didn't let go for a couple of seconds, even though I could feel it melting my skin. Funny how hurting yourself makes you feel better.
I stopped taking Midol for my cramps. It started out as three, then four, then five, and I could see where it was going.
I still think about killing myself.
It's not even that I'm particularly miserable. This is just how my life is now, this is what I'm used to. I hate change, and as much as I don't really like where I'm at, I'm comfortable with it. If things change, I keep expecting them to get better. And it seems like they never do. Like nothing ever does.
It's times like these that I hate the fact that there are people that care about me. David was right: guilt sucks ass.
I don't even have the drugs or alcohol I used to have to make me feel a little better, or at least, a little more ambivalent. I'm so tired of slowly wasting away from the inside out. I seemed to have convinced damn near everybody that I'm fine. I almost convinced myself that I was fine. I almost had myself believing my own lie, looking no further than the mask I don every morning. I was so close.
Then David had to come back into the picture. As much as I love him, and as much as I know I would have had to face myself sooner or later, I wish it could have been later. Part of me hates how understanding he is, how my soul, sometimes against my will, reaches out to him, and hands him pieces of myself. It scares the hell out of me. And as much as he says he will be there, I know nothing but betrayal and abandonment. I want to believe him so badly, but it's like believing him means that I'm admitting a lot of things. A lot of things parts of me would rather have kept denying.
I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I don't want to care what happens to me- part of me doesn't. I don't want to feel anymore. Things, people, loss: it all hurts in one way or another. I'm tired of it.
For some reason, it feels like there's another big blow coming. I can't freaking wait.
I almost wish it would kill me.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Rotten

Deluded by your
illusions of grandeur,
you picked me from
the peach tree.
I was perfectly flawed,
you said, with
a pristine wormhole
and a leaf that was
slightly askew,
but a skin that was
immaculate in
every way.
You didn't know it
then, but I was secretly
rotting, from the
inside out.
And when you went
to finally take a bite,
you found me bitter,
brown, and decayed.
Picking away,
you hoped to discover
something salvageable,
but were denied.
Instead of a pit
you could have planted
and nourished
and helped to grow,
there was nothing.
A hole, dark and
lonely, where the
pit should have been-
the heart of the fruit,
although it seemed as if
it had never even been there.
Bereft, you sat staring
at the empty spot, and
weren't even surprised
when the flesh turned to
ashes, then dust
and swirled away in the
autumn breeze.
And all you were
left with was a
broken memory.

Chances

There have been so many things that have gone on the past couple of days, I don't know where to start.
For starters, I'm most definitely not pregnant. Thank god. As if I don't have enough stress.
My parents are being bitch-y about me going to Fayetteville. My dad seems to think that everything I do is based on guys, and he doesn't get that that's not how, or who, I am. I do things for myself: doing it for other people when there's no guarantee that they'll be there 10 years down the road is retarded. He doesn't get that the only reason that I was going to UCA was to get the hell away from him. And now, I am looking out for myself, and am willing to give up that independence that I so desperately crave to get the better education, and I find out that all he cares about is his money. I sit here, sacrificing independence, and a lot of luxuries I could have had at UCA, with the near full scholarship, and I get screwed over. Great.
Michael... *sigh* I don't know what to do with him. I still want to be friends, but it's like he keeps bringing up how much he misses me (in the gf capacity), and "just being able to lie there on the couch together," and how "we didn't have to do anything to be happy, we just were." It doesn't make sense: we weren't happy. There were constant fights, he claimed I was always nagging him, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I know we cared about each other, but it just wasn't working. And it feels like he won't let go. Not until he knows I have moved on. But what he doesn't get is that I HAVE moved on. You don't need to be in another relationship in order to move on. But what I don't have is closure, bc he keeps bringing up and holding onto the past. I only want the best for him, and in all truth, I don't think I'm it. Caring about each other doesn't make up for our differences, or anything else. All it does is complicates things. I wish he could see that. I wish he would stop thinking about me like that. In my foreseeable future, I really don't see myself getting back together with him. Who knows, that might change. But I have a year and a half, actually more, to think about that. But at the moment, that's not something I'm really considering.
As far as David goes... I don't know what to think. I mean, I really care about him, and I know he cares about me too. As I told him the other night, I'm ready for a relationship with him, I'm just not ready to screw it up- which is definitely what would happen if we got into one now. Hurry up and wait. Hate how right that is.
It just feels like it's too good to be true. How could I come out of a relationship I had wanted so badly to work earlier on, and have someone that cares so much about me be right there, waiting to catch me. Someone that refuses to accept the mask, and even more, is willing to accept the possible horrors that lie within. Someone that doesn't care if I'm broken, is willing to help pick up the pieces and put me back together better than ever. I'm almost sitting here waiting to wake up, waiting for an email saying "Whoops, I made a mistake. Sorry, friends?" He says he loves me, but he doesn't even know what it's like to be around me anymore. He doesn't know how screwed up I can get. He says I won't scare him off, but I can't help but think that he has no idea what he's getting into. And I'm so scared to invest any feelings or hope into this, because it always seems like the minute I do, I end up alone again. He said he'd do his best, and I believe he wants to, I believe he will. I just don't know if his best is good enough to withstand the whirlwind of my soul. I hope it is. But when I can barely survive it myself, ...
Who knows. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. I'd like the chance to be with him. It just feels like an opportunity to good to pass up.
I just hope it isn't too good for me.
------------------------------------------

"Good Enough"

-Evanescence-

Under your spell again.

I can't say no to you.

Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.

I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly.

Now I can't let go of this dream.

I can't breathe but I feel...

Good enough,

I feel good enough for you.

Drink up sweet decadence.

I can't say no to you,

And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.

I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.

Now I can't let go of this dream.

Can't believe that I feel...

Good enough,

I feel good enough.

It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.

Pour real life down on me.

'Cause I can't hold on to anything that's good enough.

Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me,

'cause I can't say no.