grounded again

Well, I've gone and done it again. I'm grounded, so don't be expecting that many posts for a while. Anyway, I went to my room, crying, because of this big discussion we got into, and my dad came in, and I told him it was "my dam room, and I want you out of it!" He grounded me for being rude. Supposedly no tv, phone, or internet, but I found a way around internet. Hello isn't technically internet, so I just have to make sure to write posts with pics. Phone, ummm. Hook one up from outside or the neighbor's house. Or cell. Tv-who cares about the tv anyway?!? I never watch any more. Besides, phone- as soon as school starts I'll be able to talk to anyone I want to during the day. So really, it doesn't matter that much. Plus, lately, I've just been feeling a lot more detached and distant from everyone. And the fact that there's no one I really want to talk to right now. I just feel so... introversive right now. Like I just have to be with myself for a while. It sorta makes me sad, but I just sorta have to deal with it now. Have to deal with everything. After all, it's better to deal with things before they get worse, right? Or at least, worse than they are now, in my case.

The First out of Many

Last night was, what I hope, the first out of many sleepovers with Jesal, Rachel, and Ari. I already posted some stuff last night, but I feel the need to include more. Well, we went to the mall, and ended up seeing Sean Ott. That was fun. The we went to the movie, which was okay i guess. Then we came home. That was where the fun began. Everyone else ate spaghetti, but I wasn't really in the mood for it. I was trying to figure out one of the new Evanescence songs on the piano. I did, eventually. I think that everyone said it sounded good. Anyway, then we went to my room and talked. Well... they talked, I listened and added the random and/or stupid comment. We/they actually got into some interesting topics. I actually learned a lot about them last night, and myself, really. I saw a little bit of me in each of them, or maybe it was a little of them into me. Not quite sure, but that was cool in any case.

Jesal talked a lot about some of the things that she has been going through lately. I won't mention them specifically here to respect her privacy, but it has to do with change, and not necessarily not wanting it, but not NOT wanting it either. I thought that I knew her pretty well, but last night I found out that i still have a lot to learn. But that's a good thing, I think that if you learned everything about someone, the discovery and the excitement would go out of the friendship pretty quickly. Not that I'd ever claim to know someone, but know about them.
Rachel I found out I have a lot in common with. I already knew some of it, but we share a lot of views and ideas about ourselves, the world, life in general. I wish I hadn't been sick from all the alcohol, or i would've talked to her more. Next time I won't drink as much. But i really feel that we relate a ton. We've gone through a lot of the same stuff, and have the same opinions about them, so that's good. I hope I just don't end up knowing her too well.
Ari- hmm. What can I say about her? She's my best friend in Mills, is in my top ten friends in the whole wide world... and she's transferring schools. I'm just trying to enjoy the time I have with her now, and I know we won't stop seeing each other, but it will be harder to keep track. Oh well, we'll just have to plan more sleepovers like this!!! : }
Me, i have some really good friends with whom I can have fun with as long as I'm sober and not puking my guts out into the toilet. We relate, I got a chance to compare their experiences with mine and ask their opinion, and ended up discovering a new way to see things and different options I can make.
I love sleepovers.

Alone

Why is it that the minute you get what you want, you don't want it anymore? Ari, Jesal, and Rachel are right in the next room, yet I feel more lonely than I have in a long time. I sort of want to be alone. All of a sudden, things have started popping into my head, that I need to think about. Things about me, my life. They're laughing now, about something that Jesal said. How I wish I were that blissfully unaware of these conflicts going on inside me. It's as if there are two me's-the irrational me, and the rational me/the me that uses its heart, and the me that uses its brain/the me that wants to do what is wrong, and will end up causing some bliss, then suffering, and the me that wants to do what is right, that will cause suffering straight away, that will last for a while, but will end up for the best. I wish I could just wipe away my existence right now. things are too complicated. When I'm alone, I can think better, but I tend to make the wrong decisions because no one's there to stop me. but when I'm around people, I tend to get sidetracked and confused, but I make the right decisions (I think, I can't know, I haven't been able to think it over). whatever. My eyes are starting to tear up, I'm thinking about depressing things too much. of course I'm talking about the thing I need to think about, but too many people I know are going to be reading this, but then again, maybe they'll just bug me more about what it is. Let me save you the trouble-I'll say when I want to say, or else you'll find out because I actually did it. (No, it does not concern harming my physical body in anyway.) stew MIGHT know what I'm talking about. Think-seas, diving deeper. I think you get it. I just saw it as a completely different thing, and I don't know what is really going to happen, but hey, whatever. All of a sudden I feel depressed and hopeless. But what is weird is that I am still in that good state about what I feel concerning myself and my life. I think it's the rest of the world which intrudes into my life (of course, then again, I let it) that is making me feel this morbid. Whatever. In any case, for once, I am in too reflective of a mood to be typing any more, so will write later. I think that there is one more glazed donut left in the fridge and 3 friends sitting in the next room. Of course, then again, there is the solitary fort out back too.

Back

Well, I'm back, obviously. Christmas wan't great, got a few gifts, blah blah. Ate a ton. I bet I've gained 50 lb.rrr. Gonna have to go anorexic again. Just joking. In any case, I've now got a ton of money that I was going to use on pants from Hot Topic, but I am going to go ahead and give the 37.95 or whatever the hell it is to Ari for her gift of one-year subscription to Cicada. she better say thankyou! I'm just kidding, really, it doesn't matter to me. But hey, whatever.
ne way. Last night on the phone, i called ari and we 3-wayed Stew. That was interesting. we talked about Buddhism, gnosticism, agnosticism, The Garden, how poor people are in the Phillipines so that a buck means so much to them, how poor people in the world in general are, how people are way too much attached to material items. how we aren't AS attached to material items, how they say I'm more fortunate than them, How I said we were more fortunate than all those people in the world, back to how conditions were in the Phillipines. Blah Blah Blah. I know i said all the blahs, but things actually got very indepth and interesting. I like talking with Ari and Stew because they aren't as shallow as to talk about only what they got for
Christmas, (even though we did, we also talked about more pressing things, such as diabolical plots that involved weapons of mass destruction in which our final goal was world tion), and we talk about more deep important things. Yeah, anyway.
I seem to say anyway a lot. I think I'll stop.


...anyway. ( I can't, don't blame me, it's a habit.) Rachel, Jesal, Ari and I are still planning to go see A Series Of Unfortunate Events, and then sleeping over at my house, all tomorrow, but I have to clean up my room first, including organizing my desks. yes plural-2, and they are very unorganized. I have to throw away half of the stuff in there, literally. I can do it though. i can't wait. It should be fun. Whoopee!!! -_- ( He's SOO excited)
Anyway (rrrr) that's it for now.

Before I Go...

Well, in a few minutes we are off to Mississippi for x-mas. That should be ... um, am I supposed to say "fun" here? I really don't know. I don't think it will be fun enough to make a good comment about it. Sure, presents are great. Giving is great, and I'm with relatives I love. But don't you sorta HAVE to love relatives? If they're in any way nice, I mean. I would rather be with the people I have grown close to and have chosen to love. My friends at Mills and White Hall, a couple at the library. Those are the people I really want to spend X-mas with.
clayton called a few minutes ago. I thought he wouldn't for at least 3 days, giving me time to be away from Arkansas. But oh well. Maybe he was ready to just talk things over without having a romantic relationship in mind... or not, knowing him. But do I really know him? I try to interpret all the things he says as how he says them, and not based on earlier experience and circumstances, but I really don't know. And I don't know him. He doesn't know me either, and readily admitted he didn't know me except for 25%. God, frankly, I can't even claim to know myself 50%, and he's "known" me, or rather know about me and hung out with me, sorta, for only 4 months now. I've known me (or at least thought I did) for my whole life. I think I'm too complex, especially lately, for anybody to know me more that about 12.5%. Let alone Clayton.
Yesterday was fun. As I mentioned in my last blog, Stewart came over. A lot more happened after I wrote that blog, and don't be surprised if I take it off. We went in and out. Had two or three snowball fights, even got my dad involved. It was pretty fun. One of the few times I've actually had "fun" in my own home. The only times I really do are when a good friend comes over. Like Jesal, or Ari. Obviously Stew.
Well, before I go, I have to call 2-3 people, and we're supposed to leave in 15 minutes. So that's it until the 27th!

The sun feels as if it is finally starting to shine...

The sun feels as if it is finally starting to shine on me. I don't know why. Probably because I got the Clayton thing cleared up (or at least I tried). That's been weighing on me for a while. I just wish that he'd get it. I burned one of Stewart's incense thingies this morning. That was fun. Then again, anything that has to do with fire or burning is fun, as long as I'm not the object. Or something or the few someones that I care about. Stewart STILL hasn't posted this, and I'm sure that when he reads this, he will know EXACTLY what I'm thinking. Oh, and stew? I'm not talking to you until you do, so HURRY UP!!!!! n e way. I'm supposed to be cleaning up my room, but I don't want to. There's no milk in the house, so no cereal. (hearts, stars, and horseshoes...) Stew knows what I mean. I have a feeling that the one guy I know I would go out with is going to be tied up for a while. That sucks. I just have to watch it to make sure that the same thing doesn't happen to me that happened to Clayton. I may be crazy, but I do have morals and values that I stand by, and one of them is to not go too far when someone doesn't want you to. If he reads this, I hope he takes that as a hint. *hint hint* There's not much going on. I'm going to have to start packing and getting my very last minute presents. Haven't been to the mall yet, which according to Stew is a very good thing. Oh well, we'll see.

Sick

Earlier today I was talking to Stewart on the phone. The discussion turned to mental disorders, and interesting subject when you get into one with somebody who has one, ... some... several... okay, a lot. Let's see: anorexia, bulimia, borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, obsessive perfectionist, manic depressive, rapid-cycling bipolar disorder, social phobia, attention deficit disorder, suicidal, cutter, shows early signs of schizophrenia, the list goes on and on. Frankly, it doesn't really daunt me that much, but then again, it's me, so...
In any case. We talked about a lot of other stuff. Actually it was more of me doing the talking than him. I got to bug him about posting. That was fun.
I was thinking back to my last post. I don't think that Clayton would go so far as to cut. Maybe stalk, the whole "I'll keep trying" thing is still sorta creepy. It's making me kinda paranoid. *shiver* But he really does need to let go and move on.
Back to the conversation with Stewart, I got into one of my "you're worthless" moods, and we got into an argument over whether I was worthless or not. I really don't think so AS MUCH. Still a little bit of worthlesness.
I was thinking about quiting piano. I decided not to.
Ari still wasn't able to sleep over tonight. But Jesal, Rachel, Ari, and I were thinking about going to see A Series of Unfortunate Events and having a sleepover at my house on the 29.
Speaking of dates, I'm going to my grandparents' house for X-mas from the 24th to the 27th, ore than likely. If not the 27th, then the 28th. Either way, probably no posts during that time.

Unhealthy Obsessions

Today was...different, that's for sure. Clayton came over. He sort of invited himself. But then again, I sorta didn't stop him. I guess I needed to talk to him. I feel he has been obsessing about me a bit lately. Which isn't healthy for either of us. I to say this, but he's a bit too, shallow for me. I value him as a friend, but that's it. I don't think he got the idea when I said I didn't think we'd go well together. He mentioned something about trying again. Ugh. I can't communicate well with him (the main reasons the majority of my relationships have ended), hell, I can't communicate with most people. We don't relate enough to have a good connection. And the fact that he WAS obsessing over me wasn't a point in his favor. Why can't he see that in trying to show me that he "truly loves me," he is hurting himself more in deceiving himself from seeing the reality. I know that reality after obsession can be like running into a brick wall at 100 mph, but, in the end, it's for the best. I wish that I could have told him all this in person, but I'm too nice. Maybe I should become cold-hearted, evil, and detached from the world and void of all emotions. That might work. I do care about him, in a non-romantic type way, but I don't think it will ever escalate to that level. I just don't want him to become a stalker, not only for my sake, but for his too. And I don't want him to end up carving his body like I have before (not me in the above picture). But really, he just needs to move on. Maybe my moving on will help him. Maybe it will help me. I think it already has.

Temporary High

For a while I've been feeling a lot better: about my circumstances, me, my life, life in general, just basically everything. But all of a sudden, it feels as if I were on the whole time, and am coming down to earth now. I am not losing the serene happiness and contentedness (is that a word?) I just feel as though I am truly going to see things as they are now, and that they can't help being that way. Things includiing me. Except, ... some things I can help, such as how I deal with things, how I react, and the fact that my life should be under my control, not vice versa. Plus, if I decide to take my life, it's not like I would ever get the chance to see how it would have turned out otherwise, anyway. I might live to die under natural circumstances after all! ^_^. In any case, i feel like I am floating in a dream state right now, but know it. As if I am in that point between beeing asleep and waking up. But I think I will stay here for a while. Seeing things from the weird point of view and the true point of view is really helping me. In any case, on to other happenings in my weird, twisted life. Clayton asked me to go out with him the other day. Unlike the last time I had to say no. I'm not really sure about anything right now, let alone my feelings for him. Friend, more than a friend, boyfriend? For some reason, the last one doesn't seem to fit. It might, I don't know right now. I need to concentrate on my emtional and mental feelings right now, not my love life. There are several other guys who like me too. (They're all crazy, but...) Things right now are too complicated for me to get that involved and that close to somebody I'd rather have as a friend for the time being. There is one person I'd go out with in a second, even in this state, because we "just seem to go well together" as he put it. The only reason I'd go out with him and none of the others is that, not only is he a really good friend, but we sympathize, can communicate, DO go well together, both like each other, and he can always make me smile no matter what. Unfortunately, he is tied up at the moment. I might not wait on him, depending on what is going on with the stuff I mentioned earlier. If it clears up, and he is still her, then I might go out with someone whom I KNOW how I feel about, but if it stays tangled, or I'm not quite sure how I feel about them, then probably not. Ari was supposed to come over tonight, but that didn't work out. The party tomorrow was canceled in any case, so it wouldn't have mattered so much. She couldn't come because she has a cold and her parents didn't want her to infect us. Oh how nice and considerate they were being. O_O (not) We decided she should try her hardest not to cough tomorrow so that maybe she can spend the night then. I feel as if I were in the mood to smoke tonight, but since I am trying to quit doing that as often, I think I'll just... play piano and eat a glazed donut. Maybe stare at the stars.

Yesterday's Broken Promise

Yesterday promised to be an interesting day. That was a promise it broke. I awoke yesterday, looking forward to raking leaves. Not. But several interesting things did happen. Parents and I got into a fight that I surprisingly won for once. That was fun. Talked on the phone literally all afternoon and most of the evening. Got invited to a party I was almost able to go to. Got into another fight with my parents, which I also won. (Woohoo! a record! won 2 fights in one day. Yay me!) Posted on my blog. Found tons of great pics on deviantart.com got grounded worse than I had been, yet was extremely serene and happy when I finally went to bed after making a lot of noise and making my parents mad. I just wish I I could've gone to that party with Ari, Sarah, David, and Jerry. That would've been cool too. Today is my parents anniversary, we went to Loca Luna. I've convinced them to bring Chinese home for me this evening. (They're out x-mas shopping right now.) I'm surprised, I am not thinking about my weight for once. I guess my goal for becoming more happy with who I am is starting to work. With all the grades and my parents getting mad, I think I finally got it whenever I said, they don't know what you've been going through, you tried the best you could. I really think I am doing better on the whole self-image thing though. Which is an improvement. "In other news today..." (sorry, I just had to say that) I talked to one of my friends in Pine Bluff that I hadn't talked to in a while. That was interesting. She still doesn't know how to spell. And she'll be reading this. But whatever. x-mas is so commercialized now that the "true meaning" has been completely lost. It's all about whose house is better decorated. I am glad that I was able to give out presents to my friends though. What I really can't wait for is getting to see some people I haven't seen for a while. Mainly Rusty and Justin and Rhyan when we (my family and I) are on our way to my grandparent's house in MS. We pass through White Hall and Pine Bluff and will more than likely get to see them.

stupid stereotypes

Why does the whole world insist on stereotyping everything and everyone? On the bus, I was asked if I considered myself "punk" or possibly "goth"... right. It's not like it matters to me anymore. After all, within the past year alonei have been called everything from punk to goth to freak to torturd artist (which i'm afraid i have to agree with), to gie to to who knows what. Or rather, who cares??? Certainly not me. It doesn't really bother me anymore that people are calling me those things. It's the fact that they're shallow enough to use such idiotic vague incorrect words to describe someone. And really, though, it is just cioncidence (or does it make perfect sense) that the people that i hang out with all wear the same clothes- "dark and morbid and goth". blah BLAH BLAH!!! Whatever the hell it was. Well, really, my friends are just being themselves, which is why i like them- we share the same values to do what we want, not what society wants us to do. But in any case...

...if I had to describe the majority of today's population, it would have to be...-a group of insecure people that conform themselves to modern day society's (their own!) perception of that "perfect" person and discard their true selves in an attempt to be "accepted" and "loved", and also ignore the ther people who step outside the mold, who walk zigzag instead of in a straight, uniform line of same-cut paper dolls.

Pitiful, isn't it? But what is even more pitiful is the fact that i and a lot of other people believe that I am right. really though, if everybody acted like themselves and accepted different things (which would then, actually be normal), people would be better able to accept themselves for who they were and the fact that they're human. Embrace their flaws as the part of them that made them unique. If not that, at least there wouldn't be as many bulimic conceited plactic barbies that looked more like black-and-white broken porcelain clown dolls.

Boring Day

Today was mostly uneventful. This morning, the advanced (so they say) choir, including Ari and me, went to sing at the capital. That went well. We stayed and watched the next group, a ton of little kids, sing. They were mostly African American. There was this one caucasian boy though. We laughed our heads off watching his enthusiasm. You know how black gospel choirs are, swaying back and forth, clapping, putting all their joy into it- this one little white kid had more enthusiasm while singing their songs than all the choir put together. It was so cute!!!
Afterward, we went to eat at CiCi's Pizza. Talked, ate, blah blah blah. We went next door to a dress shop. For those of you who know me, dresses and I don't tend to mix very well on a regular basis. Not even on an extraordinary basis. In any case, there was this wine colored dress- strapless, with a tattered-looking short skirt.


I tried it on.


... Yeah, I know. I walked out to tons of compliments- "OH MY GOD!!! You look gorgeous!", and "WOW!" and so many other things I did not need. There were also two other magazines I got stuck with that had a couple that everybody could "just see me in"...


right.


n e way. Went to sing at Baptist Hospital. That went well. Got to hear Jazz do a GREAT job of revised Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire. Sang all the way back on the bus. Had the party, but didn't attend, due to the fact that I was listening to Ricardo accompanying my singing on the piano. That was fun. Went to buy presents for everybody. Talked on the phone with Clayton. Blah, blah, blah...
normal boring, uneventful day.

Just Try

Today, a close friend of mine told me he liked me. I wasn't surprised, but, still. In any case, unfortunately, I'm too confused about other sections of my life to try and get into any relationship right now. I'm confused about my feelings for him. I know he will read this, and I wrote him a note, but it is not the same. In any case, I was trying to get him to confess his "deep profound things" to me. He wouldn't, and I said "just try." All of a sudden, here comes an idea for a blog-

Why do humans shy away from risks? If we took a chance more often, our lives would be more full, more exciting. More... complete. It's as if we are blindfolded and shackled, and all we know is that we are standing on a cliff. So, obviously, we stay rooted to the same, safe spot, not daring to move. For if we did, we might fall over the edge, into some vast expanse of who knows what. Certainly not us. But then again, there might be a file, with which we can saw our chains away, and tear off our blindfold. And then see the magnificent view from up there. And maybe, just maybe, then, we can finally take that fateful leap over the edge.

In any case, I certainly hope that I can start taking a few blind steps too, and just see what is waiting for me when I get there. After all, when traveling down unknown roads, who is to say which leads to euphoria, and which leads to a -end?

If only we would just take a chance.

Unanswered questions

Why is it that so many questions go unanswered throughout our lives? What are we here for, what are we meant to do? Will anything we do here make a difference? So many in depth questions, with no answers. Today on the bus, I was talking to Stewart, and asked him why he counted me as a friend. There was no good answer that he could give to me. He cares, we relate, etc. But why, really, do we seek everlasting companionship while we are on earth if we know we will not stay here forever? Not to sound morbid, but I'm just thinking too much again. But really- why?

Bipolar

I was just looking back on all of my posts after reading all of them and I noticed how much they have changed as I have gone along. The will probably all be in a different mood, but I really think that writing things out has helped me to understand more. Plus the fact that I dont even have a goal when writing-I type whatever comes as I think it. I am right now. It seems to me that going over your thoughts as you think them, and seeing them in writing, helps. Ever since I started this, things have seemed to be more clear, more... transparent. "I can see clearly now the rain is gone..." (Ugh! that song!) Told you, spontaneous thoughts and writing them down.
Really though, to be reflective is a good thing. I find myself taking things in in their entirety now, not just the parts i want to see or don't, and nothing inbetween. I used to see things in black and white. I didn't even stop to think about all the shades of gray inbetween, not to mention the actual COLORS. I would love to say I see a rainbow now, but I don't, and I don't think anybody really does. I think that we all see in black, white, gray, and a few sparks of animated color here and there. I think that there will forever be a spectrum of colors we have yet to see, and I plan on seeing the most of them as I can.

Coincidences

It's strange, how sometimes you find yourself in the weirdest coincidences. Today, I tried out for the all-region band on the french horn. I made 2nd chair, 2nd band. So did my friend Jesal, though on flute. Also, the other two french horns made 2nd chair, 1st band, and 2nd alternative. Weird!?! But, thinking about it, you find yourself in so many "weird" situations, that they tend to become normal, and you therefore don't notice them as much. You stop taking in the value of all the good things, or weird things, that are happening to you; taking them for granted. To really value life, we need to take stock on every single event, every millisecond in our lives. I gues i'm becoming extremely reflective again. Which is a really good thing. Coming so close to dying, and not just physically, but the worst part, spiritually, is probably what made me that way. But if I'm starting to really take my life, and all the events in it into perspective, maybe it was worth it. Or if it was meant to happen that way, it is working. I think that the problem we humans experience as a whole, is that we try to take into account what is going on in our lives from our point of view, when what we really need is to look at it from an unbiased side. We need to look at it from the other side of the glass. I am going to use my friend Ari's metaphor here, (or is it simile?) and talk about a wall. On one side of the glass wall is blissful ignorance. You see things distortedly, or not at all. The side that most, unfortunately, are on. The other, is were you see things more clearly. You can look through the wall and see the whole story. Every single side. The people who are on this side are very lucky. Sometimes though, it's as if, when you were on the good side, in the blink of an eye, the wall transported itself so that you were on the ignorant side again, seeing everything from one point, where you are standing. (I really need to send a thankyou out to Ari for giving me words to describe this, without you, I'd be sorta lost right now) So, you can either sit on top of the wall, break it down, or continue letting YOUR life get out of your control, and never know which side you will be on in the next moment. Breaking it down would bring all chaos in for quite some time. Unsettling you, and others in your life. In the end, though, probably the best. You can sit on top of the wall, and try to keep things separate, yet view it from both sides. What Ari did not mention to say, however, was that you could, in doing this, risk falling over into the wrong side. More likely the wrong side than the right, unfortunately. I'm still trying to decide whether to sit on top or tear down the wall. I think, though, if I tear down the wall, it's going to have to be brick by brick, not all at once. But if I do that, I'm going to have to double check and make sure it's not trying to creep up on me and rebuild itself while im working on the other side.

Exactly How Shallow the Seas Are

Everyone thinks that the seas are so deep, but they are nothing compared to some of the secrets and feelings that we hold. I once wrote a poem, H2O/ The deep, opaqueness of...air. It talked about things like this: I remember one line- something like... "So deep, and so unpredictable, that I could not uncover even you shallowest secrets..." I was using that to describe one person, yet later on took a broader viewing of it and saw that it covers us all. Even, as we may call them, the most shalow person in the world, may have secrets too far down, that we cannot even begin to fathom. We cannot even imagine some of the secrets we ourselves hold. I know I don't, but I hope to, all a part of the process of discovering and accepting myself. A process I know will take a long time, and I admit that, and am willing to work for that amount of time. This is one of my main reasons for going on. It should be one of everybody's. If we leave here without discovering why we are the way we are, what was it worth? What was any of the suffering, or the pain, or the loss worth, except to understand just one, tiny, seemingly insignificant part of ourselves, that later turns out to be as big and important as the universe? In my opinion, I believe in a place, after , in which people go, a void, you might say, not a Hell, just nothingness, to which people go when they die without learning what they were supposed to in their alloted time on Earth. For those who did learn, they may either go to a Nirvana, or may go back to Earth, in another life, to either learn more, or help others to do so. I say all of this, because this is my confession of my secrets, of my self, the good, the bad, the inbetween... of me, simply me...

I am insecure. I know this, I admit it, I embrace it and yet, at times, I push it away. I embrace this because it makes me want to improve. It makes me human. All humans are insecure about one thing or another. If you don't think you are, you are lying, to yourself, to others. That is your insecurity, -insecurity. I want to be comfortable, with who I am, how I am. But I'm not. A fault I share with the rest of humanity. To this fault, I am guilty.

I am a liar, a backstabber, a deceiver, all of these. I know this, I admit this, I push it away. I do not want these. I dislike hurting others. These are not qualities. These are faults. I wish that I never caused anyone pain, or anguish, but I have. I wish I never did it again, but I will. To this fault, I am guilty.

I am a discriminator. As much as I dislike using stereotypical groups-goths, preps, nerds, etc.-they exist, in this day's society. Therefore they exist in me too. I wish I could judge people by who they are, not what they are. I try, sometimes I succeed. I have a friend, Lauren, whom some call- part of that popular group. They don't know her, I would like to say I do, but I don't. Fortunately I can say that i know more than they do. And she is not snobby, nor is she discriminative, nor is she show-offy (for lack of a better term). She is one of the most accepting, caring people, and i wish to live up to her standards. Of this charge, and this hope, I am guilty.

I am human. I know this, I admit this, I embrace it, and at times push it away. Being human is a gift and a curse. There are two sides to everything- being a part of humanity is no exception. I love being human, I despise being human. For all our faults, we still have goodness. For all our goodness, we still have faults. Every human included. We all contribute, we all take away. Of this blessing and of this curse, I am guilty, and thankful.

I am prideful. I know this, I admit this, I embrace it, but I mostly push it away. It is good to be proud of what you have done, as long as you don't overdo it. Congratulate yourself, and put it out of your mind. Move over to the next good task. Do not ever say, well, I made my contribution, now to look to myself. I am guilty of that, and of pride.

I am happy. I know this, I admit this, I embrace it, yet surprisingly, sometimes, i push it away. I am glad to be happy, yet sad others are not so. Why should I be happy, and care for myself, when others who have cared for me are down themselves? In my giving comfort to them, I tend to lose it, or feel guilty for feeling better than they do. Of this blessing, I am guilty, and thankful, for.

I take things for granted- to feel the shining of the sun, to smell the scent of a rose, to hear the sound of wind, to see the drops of rain, to breathe the air... So many things others have no more. So many things I experience every day. For this sin, I am guilty.

I am thankful for the wrong things- the taste of cotton candy, the touch of a lover, the "perfect" temperature for walking. Things that are not necessary. Things that are not as simple as the sound of rain on a cold sidewalk, or the taste of it on your tongue, or the sight or the perfect thunderstorm, or the feel of the cold, or the smell of the fresh damp air, or the embracing wetness of it on your bare skin. Things that are more beautiful, more meaningful, than some fake perfume. Of this, and wishing for more natural wholesome things, I am guilty.

I am myself. Enough said.

Verdict-

...guilty.

Deafening Silence

Oh, how loud and deafening muteness can be. I feel bad, having to say this, but today was not one of my better days. I remember one time, telling a friend, Stewart, that when I was silent was when he needed to worry. I had to say this because one day before that, I had been basically ranting and raving about how nothing was worth anything again. Today, on th way to school, I'm sad to say, I didn't utter one word. No hello, no what's up? I was just feeling hopeless. I didn't even think about it until Stewart turned to me, said Julie a couple of times, and when I finally turned to him, asked if i was okay with so much emotion and caring in his eyes. I couldn't bear to lie to him, feeling in me, even though i believe i was more numb in that moment than i have ever been, that he really did care, did worry. I give everybody enough reason to. I answered with a simple shrug, already turning away. It was the only way I knew how to answer rather than just spilling over and having a complete melt down. To tell the truth, I really didn't know if I was okay, not at the moment in any case. I see now, exactly how much of a mess my life is in. I wouldn't change it for me, but for those whom deafening silence makes them scream with frustration and anger. Screams that cannot be heard by people who are not listening. That is to say, people who are not in tune with their innermost selves. i feel so sorry for making Stewart worried. He has always been there for me, and is a very good friend. I owe him more than a shrug. But how can i explain problems that confuse even me? If i could solve this logic problem, there wouldn't be a need to ask about it, yet until i do, how am I, or anyone else, supposed to explain a mystery about ourselves even too complicated for us to get.

Oh, how deafening silence can be, when screamed from totured lips, reaching the ears of the faeries and the shades, and blocked to the people who are either screaming their own demented song, or have closed their ears to th cries of the world; to their own wails. Oh, how gifted we are if we are given the chance to hear the banshee yell, for then our ears will forever ring with the subtle, yet overpowering sound of forever madness, instead of this weight we must bear for ourselves. To be lifted from this burden, the great burden of weightless notes of quiet anguish, which transcend above the planes and into the souls of all. This muted cry, from the lost souls of the world, lost to the music played on the broken jewelry box, that haunts, and stalks you through your nightmares, and your dreams. Dreams where the noisiness of traffic overpowers your own silent pleas to be abandoned to sound. To hear, for once, the slow falling of rain instead of crimson tears. To hear the sweet whisperings of the one who knows you completely, and yet still loves you, instead of daunting descriptions of your end by hating inner minions. To hear the violins and the violas, the cello and the bass, the soft keys of the piano, play the sweet sunrise instead of Doom's harp playing the Dying of the Day, the sunset. To replace the screams of your soul with, simply, your breathing.

©Julie Pyle, 2004

concerts, concerts, concerts

Yesterday was... interesting, to say the least. I had, technically, 4 performances to do. Really, though, there was music for a play, singing and french horn, and then a mixture of concerts by the orchestra, choir, and band, of which i was in the latter two. So much STRESS! Oh well. I get nervous easily. Too easily. It seems that that is almost all i do. worry about how i do, how i am going to look, to sound, to seem. To seem, mostly. I don't see why i worry so much about how i seem. I like to brag that i don't care how others see me. Most of the time i don't. But I do care how i think others think i seem. Its strange, i guess it has to do with the whole perfectionist thing. For instance. I don't mind failing at something i do, such as a test, or a piece of music, but i do care about people knowing i failed. But only because i know they know. God, im thinking too much again.
Last night really was great though, even though i messed up a thousand times. I feel as though i can tell you, whoever may be reading this, because though you may or may not know me, as long as you never confront me about it i will never know you know. It's like you are some far away person i will never meet. And will then never have to confront. I think, mainly, my problem with dealing with people who know my faults, is i have to confront my mistakes. I living in the past. You can't change what has already happened. Even when you are typing, you can go back and erase a word, but that doesn't change the fact that it WAS there, after all. But any time i do think about something i messed up on, i dwell on it. I think, why didn't i do THIS instead?! I have a problem with dwelling. Ari knows this. But everyone has their faults, and Im willing to admit mine, in hopes of actually realizing them for what they are and either embracing them for being a part of me, or ridding myself of them. I don't hope to reach a level of "godliness" or "a higher order," but i do want to be happy with who I am, emotionally, mentally, physically. Spiritually. Just to be whole. Frankly, I don't know what I believe about religion, or the "hereafter". I am just concentrating on now. Because that is where i am and what i have to deal with. I will work on the other things as they draw closer. I would like to find a good religion, that fits me, so i can have at least one stable thing in my life. But i will not rush to one just to get it.
Ari doesn't think she can add anything to my book of poetry i hope to publish (see newari.blogspot.com to get what i am talking about. it is under rising lymph nodes.). Personally, i think she would. Simple pictures of normal people. Even though Ari is anything but. She seems to have this exceptional quality for showing emotion. Or maybe i just know her too well! lol. In any case, she said, quoting me " 'with th right posing and clothing and stuff' stuff. yep" In a way she's right. In a way, she's wrong. But i can't change her mind.
Speaking of changing minds. Ari has decided to transfer back to her old school I know everybody here will miss her. Luckily we only live a few minutes drive away. I hope that i will never lose her as a friend. I don't necessarily agree with her leavng. But there are more underlying issues tat need to be taken into account. Although i may not agree with her, i do support her, because i see her reasoning. Though i will be devastated to see her go, there is still a chance of her coming back. And for that, at least, i am thankful. To really lose such a good friend would really hurt, Fortunately, that is not the case.

Falling off of the Edge

Okay, yesterday, so not the best!!! Got to feeling the almost worst ive ever been. Which is pretty bad... n e way. You know those feelings of worthlessness, that why care ne more?!?! yup, that was me yesterday. Now-...sorta, not near as bad. I have no idea what's going to happen, of course then again, who does. Does it really matter what happens in an hour, a day, a week a month, a year? a lifetime?!?! Think: exactly how does one insignificant life change the world? I mean sure, there were the few special people who will be remembered throughout time, or at least as long as time lasts. But im not going to be one of those people. Im not guessing. Im pretty darn sure. All i plan to do with my life is to adopt handicapped children from third world countries in hopes of doing SOMETHING for someone. Plus the fact that those are the kids whom are not going to get adopted by n e body n e way. That an be either a doctor, writer, professional pianist, or an egyptologist. Possibly a psychiatrist. I should know enough about problems and being insane. If im not already in a white sterile padded room rocking back and forth in my straight jacket, at least. and chances of that- if things dont improve a lot, pretty good. In any case, even if i did do something worth getting written down and/or passed through the generations, humanity is not going to last forever, as much as we would love for it to. So then, why would ne of it matter ne way? and the whole "obtaining divinity" thing that so many religions are talking about now, if you get tons of chances and lifes to do it any way, why does it matter if you mess one of them up?!?! n e way, back to the feelings of worthlessness- poem

Falling to Pieces

Hanging on to the edge of insanity,
falling to...
who knows?
caught in this hell ive made,
yet cannot control,
everything scarred beyond recognition
Floating in an out of a dream state
or nightmare, im not quite sure
and don't quite care.
Alternating between
a horrible ,
nd an even more horrendous reality.
With nothing to look forward to
nothing but the end.
because then it will all be over, anyway
With my whole twisted, demented world
falling to pieces,
like the shattered glass from the mirror,
which shows a distorted, yet quite correct,
image of my and my life.

...Red rain drops fall,
making my hands slippery
and i let go,
Not wondering, not even really caring
what comes next, because,
frankly,

i couldn't care less.


---Not caring sucks, doesn't it???