It's not okay... It hasn't been. Why did you even ask? Why do you even care? If you cared, you would have... you would have... The words blurred into raw emotions as she sank down the freshly shut door. She felt like there was a five-ton anvil on her chest; she couldn't breathe, yet there were great gasping sobs escaping from her throat. Tears poured down her cheeks as they had every other night for the past week. She looked up, seemingly searching the quite empty room. ... You would have been here...

Ten seconds, twenty-eight minutes, three hours later, she didn't know which, she got up. Time as everyone else knew it did not exist for her anymore. She measured its passage by how alone she felt, the depth of her heartache, and the shedding, or lack thereof, of tears. The tears wouldn't flow anymore for her now, yet they had not eased the emotions, the pain, raging inside of her. They never did. She went to stand before the mirror, and stared numbly at the ghost staring back. She hadn't been sleeping or eating, and it was starting to show. The circles beneath her eyes were a little more sunken, the cheekbones a little more prominent. Her lips were chapped and cracked where she had been picking at them, and her face had red blotches where she had scratched at the nonexistant acne. But the eyes... She didn't even know that she wanted to look at them. They looked dull, flat, empty, dead. They were the true mirror, reflecting how she felt inside. Her breathing became shaky again as she stared at herself. These were not the eyes she wanted looking back at her. She couldn't deal with the accusations anymore- that she hadn't been worthy, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, nice enough. Not good enough. The only eyes she wanted to see right now were those hazel ones, that had always made her feel like she was floating. Like she was the only one they could, or even wanted to see. The eyes that had cared, that belonged to the person that loved her. But loved her no more...

Somewhere from deep inside came the will, or the desperation, to form more tears. She turned angrily away from the mirror, and shed her clothes, climbing into bed, without even caring to turn out the lights, or put on night-clothes. As she slid her hands underneath the pillow, her thumb hit something hard. She lifted it up to inspect and saw her exacto knife. Her mind became blank, crystal clear, and completely focused on the shiny blade. All her feelings calmed down, and organized themselves into an orderly line, waiting to have their turn. She flipped her feet over the side of the bed, and onto the floor, sitting up, and receiving a rush of light-headedness. It was perfect.

Time was passing much more slowly now. Each movement took a millenia, a blink a decade. But it was ok, because it was all flowing smoothly, rather than the chaos that had just been dominant in her head. One motion faded into the next, and became lost in the past as her mind focused on the next thing. It was bliss to be mindful only of the present, and not dwell on things long gone...

She laid the blade against the skin on the inside of her left forearm near the elbow and closed her eyes as she let it sink in and slip between the cells- Worthless. She raised it and even as she felt the sanguine fluid spill forth from the first cut, moved the blade one quarter of an inch closer to her wrist and again pressed it into her flesh to slide it along a line parallel to the first- Fat. Again and again she repeated the process, relishing the exquisite pain that accompanied the bite of the blade at her veins. Stupid, weak, bitch, pathetic, disappointment, inferior, waste of time, crazy, a mess, broken beyond repair, slut, desperate, needy, unnoteworthy...

Unloveable- she took in a sharp breath of air as she felt the sting from a slightly deeper cut. That word, it had made her muscles clench, and the blade caught a little more on its way across her arm. She opened her eyes, and heard it so clearly in her head: "I love you." He had said it. He had lied. The blade came down again, and again, and again, and again... until she lost count, until there was no more room to cut. Her arm was covered in rivulets of blood: some already dried, others still sluggishly emptying her veins. As she stood up, she felt light-headed. She didn't register the pool of blood that had materialized on the floor as she stumbled toward the sink to wash off the scabs. She avoided looking at her reflection this time, choosing instead to concentrate on the red streams her blood was making in the white porcelain sink. After a while, she got tired, and turned off the water, and the lights, ignoring the blood still leaking from the fresh wounds, nor seeing her pale haunting face in the mirror. She was just so exhausted, and weak...

She laid down in bed again, shutting her eyes, and beginning almost immediately to dream. And finally he was there, holding her, comforting her, and pulling back only to be able to look into her eyes, and say those words she had wanted to hear, and needed to believe, before pulling her into his embrace again.

And in her slumber, her breath hitched once more, and she murmured the obvious reply, "I love you, too," before releasing a small sigh, and finally hurting no more.

Worse...? Better...?

So last night Jon and I started messing around again. I don't need to, or want to, get into details on here.

It seems like we both really really wanted it though. Not just for sexual reasons, but just because we've been fairly disconnected lately. Like... four days. Lol. But it seems like it's been so much longer.

I want him back. I want things back the way they were. I don't want this confusing crap anymore. I'm fucking sick and tired of it.

He said he's missed my kisses. I've missed so much more. And it's just not the same. I don't even know that, on the off-chance, if we got back together today, that it would be the same. At least not for a while.

And so, again, I am left not knowing what to do, where to go with this...

Over Before It Really Even Began... Again...

I'm in Jon's room again. I don't think I can keep doing this, going on like this. It seems like it's nothing to him, and whether that's true or not, it is still definitely a lot to me. I still love him, and it's still really hard for me to be around him like this. And even though he says he hasn't given up, I can't help but feel that maybe he has, and maybe I'm doing the same thing I did when I was waiting for Michael. I don't want to put myself through that again. If it's going to hurt so much to be around Jon, I don't need to be around him.

But I want to. I've invested a lot into this relationship (friendship/relationship, whatever), put pieces of myself into his hands. I don't think I can give it up that easily, even though that might be the best decision.

And to think, 6 months ago, I would not have even thought about starting anything with him.

Things change fast... much too fast...

Confusion...

You know what? Shit sucks. That's what.

I've been in the same room with Jon for the past several hours, and we ate together today for lunch and supper. And it's making me sick to my stomach. Sometimes I feel like I can't breath: like there's a very large weight on my abdomen, and my body is screaming for air. I both want to be near him, and want to forget he ever existed. It sucks.

-------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, Early Afternoon:

And I am not sure what he wants to do. I know what he wants: both to not get hurt again, and not to lose me. But that section in the message he sent...

"you brought up a great idea in your note that keeps coming to the front of my mind. the schedule for the semester, though it seems juvenile, is a great thing. i think that we should try that out."

So... what? Try out a schedule just for hanging out? Which seems retarded if we're not going out again. Or go out, and try a schedule so that we don't end up spending too much time together and neglecting our studies? Which makes more sense. I hate vagueness/ ambiguity.

He also said he didn't want me to think he was giving up, nor did he want to lose me "at all," and that he still loved me and couldn't even find all the words to explain everything he was feeling. Which just made shit even more confusing, especially considering every time I've been around him, it's felt very stiff, and almost formal. Not to mention awkward.

So I don't know. I do know, unfortunately, either he, or I, are going to have to make a decision soon. And if I make my decision first, he's not going to have one to make. Basically, mine is one of three things. 1) I keep hanging out with him and letting myself love him, and hope for more, also keeping the accompanying pain present. 2) I keep hanging out with him, and shut everything away, more than likely ending our chances of having a relationship in the future, but hopefully keeping him as a friend. 3) stop hanging out with him, at least for a time.

Several things could happen with number three. I might not hang out with him all semester, and he leaves for F'ville. I might not hang out with him all semester, and then start again in the summer (if he stays here), which either leads to a friendship or a relationship again. I don't hang out with him until spring break, which also has the f'ship or r'ship ending again. Also, the last couple of scenarios also have the possibility that I just get over him, and don't want a relationship anymore- doubtful, but if I end up better than I am now, I might not want to risk getting hurt again (by the same person, especially since he already backed out once).

Yet I still don't know what he wants to do. He also said he was going to continue the note later that night (Thursday), or the next day. But he didn't on Thursday, and last night I actually spent in his room. And I slept... quite a bit. I guess it was about 10 hours minimum. Which was awesome.

Because after he broke up with me, I couldn't concentrate enough to read my philosophy homework. So I got Adderall from Jenni, and stayed up trying to study for a bit. Wasn't successful. So I started to take a nap, only lasted about 20-30 minutes. And I was going to start studying again. But then I started writing to Jon, and you saw the product of that. Then I took another addie in the morning to keep me going. Then I was up all day. Then Thursday night I stayed up all night on the computer, looking up musical crap. So yesterday morning I got another Adderall so I could make it through my classes. Then last night (well, technically really early this morning), I finally crashed in Jon's room. So basically in a 70 hour period I only got 30 minutes of sleep. Not to mention I didn't eat at all thursday, and then i had subway yesterday for lunch, but i threw up what i ate last night. But hey, at least I'm not pregnant. Yeah, it was 3 days late, but whatever. Not pregnant.

Anyway... I think I'm done for now. I'm going to try to go finish that post on cfm I wanted to do the other day.

or not... Jon just called...

The Note...

So I gave Jon the note. It's a response to the one he broke up with me in. Yeah, a note. Ugh. Also in response to him asking me what I thought about us breaking up, taking a break, whatever the fuck you want to call it. Except for when he asked, I just didn't even want to think about that. But yeah, I gave him the final copy, and I'm keeping the second draft. Lol: yes, I made drafts. The first one was shitty, not cohesive at all, did not get my point across, and was way too emotional; the second one had grammatical errors; and the last I gave to him. I AM keeping the second draft to bring to my shrink tomorrow. But, of course, I would be the one to pen three drafts of a goddamn note, and a five-page long one at that. Hell, I even did that in high school, well... more like one draft, then the final copy. I'm just that OCD. But, back on topic.

I explained to him what he's meant to me, how much I cared about him, Apologized for a lot of crap, and explained what I meant when I told him I love him. I can say one thing for sure: as far as people that I am unbelievably close to, and want to keep in my life, he is right up there with Carrie and David. That's saying a shitload, especially only hanging out for four months.

Then came the hard part.

I'm not upset with him, I'm just disappointed. It seems like he is giving up without even trying. I get he doesn't want this to hurt either of us anymore than it has to, but really, I would have rather known for sure that it wasn't going to work out (i.e., trying, and failing), than give up without a fight. I have fought for so many guys that weren't worth it, and I get one that is, and he gives up.

Plus, if he gives up now, and we do end up getting back together, what happens if we go to different grad school? And, I am planning on getting my PhD as well. Not to mention, what if we actually were to somehow reach the point where he wanted to marry me, but decided not to for fear of divorce? There is always the possibility of things not working out. You could be happily married for 50 years, and for some unexpected reason, things go down the drain.

I don't want to be with someone I can't depend on, especially when shit gets rough. I do understand where he's coming from, that maybe if we were already in love, things would be different, or if he knew for a fact that he was staying here next semester. But it still feels like those are just excuses.

I know we've both been hurt before, and I hate getting my hopes up for nothing: It's been happening constantly the past 2 years, first with Michael, then David. But it feels (and I may be wrong), like the real reason for breaking up is that: getting his hopes up. That he is afraid of falling in love with me, and getting let down again. In which case he would rather end it on his terms than be caught off guard, or getting his hopes dashed. I wish he'd be willing to try though.

Anyway, I'm going to post the second draft of the note on here. It's different from the final one, but whatever. I constantly change things anyway.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon,

As much as I hated that note and wanted only to see it burn, I wish I had it right now to refer to. I know I wrote a lot on my blog (see previous entry), but I feel like there was a lot I didn't address. I hope I cover everything, and you'll have to forgive me if I don't.

As I'm writing this, it is 2:10 in the morning, I am in my bed, on Adderall, with Jenni asleep in the top bunk. I'm supposed to be reading my philosophy homework, but I can't. Understandable, I guess. So many thoughts have been running through my head since you told me you loved me, and all the things that followed. I will never be able to tell you all of them- something I find both a blessing and a curse.

You have meant so much to me these past months. You have been a friend, a lover, a confidant; a shoulder to cry on, a person to trust, and a guy to just plain joke around with. You have helped restore my faith in myself, as well as others. And I want, I need, to thank you for all of that. I don't think you'll ever truly comprehend everything you've done for me. So thankyou.

I'm sorry things got out to a bad start, what with the agreement with Michael, and the confusion over David. But I want to stress to you that lately, especially the past two months, you have been the only one that has been on my mind. If David had come back down permanently, or if I was able to have a guarantee that Michael wasn't going to go behind my back again, I still would have stayed with you. I hope you understand, and more importantly, believe that.

I also feel the need to apologize for using and manipulating you, though I have not done so knowingly of late. But you were somebody that cared about me when I didn't care about myself. And as rarely as "JJ" (See Carnival Funhouse Mirror) shows her face, she does, and the turmoil in my head is slightly alleviated, in great part due to you.

And though I know it is not necessary, I also want to tell you I'm sorry for all the times I broke down in your room. I guess the reason why is because I feel it was inconsiderate and ungrateful of me, because you were making me so happy, but there I was, crying. But it was never because of you.

You have rejuvenated my life, brought light into the darkness, made me feel when I was numb. My life has been so empty the past five years; I've been keeping everyone out, all emotions locked in. I would plan everything out, and have a million back-up plans, just in case. But with you, nothing was planned. Life was spontaneous, full of surprises, and, yes, letdowns. But it was ok. Because at least I was living again, rather than drinking small droughts of life from my experiences.

I once asked you to explain me, and you did the same. But I don't think I really did you justice: I guess I didn't really want to admit all the things I thought about you. But, here it is now: how I see you.

You are smart, inquisitive, wise, comforting, caring, sweet, friendly, funny, fun to be around, talented, mellow, a little goofy, but all-in-all a good person. You are an awesome friend, a good hugger, a better kisser, and a good (if a bit self-conscious) lover. I find you attractive, even more so when you shave (lol). And most importantly, I love being around you.

Yeah, you can get annoying at times. Occasionally I want to strangle you, more often I just punch you. And the hairiness is somewhat amusing. But it's crazy, because somehow, sometime, I just accepted all the little quirks as being part of you, and none of it mattered anymore.

I don't think the words exist that would accurately describe what you mean to me. Language, especially English, is so limited. Let's just say you're definitely up there with David now, if not possibly higher. It's hard to compare, because the connections are different. But you don't really need to be worried about comparisons.

I meant it when I said "I love you, too." But I want you to understand what I mean when I tell you those words. I care about you, obviously. I trust you with pieces of me I normally keep hidden. You will always have a place in my heart, no matter how corny it sounds. This is a love that transcends friendship, or a relationship. It will never diminish, or change, but can only gain new horizons. I will not stop loving you, no matter what. You could do things that would make me angry, sad, stop trusting you, or even hating the fact that you did it, but at the core, I would still love you.

I think of you as a soul-mate now. But I have fairly broad ideas of that. It's not necessarily your one true love, or the person you marry and stay with until death. It is a kindred spirit, one you share an intangible, inexplicable connection with. One whom, though they may not be there physically, will always remain in your heart. You belong in that category to me now, and I am so glad to have you there.

I have never opened up to anyone as fast as I did to you. Nor have I let ANYONE see my weak side like you have. It is so hard for me to trust myself with anyone, let alone entrust pieces of myself to anyone. So I hope you appreciate what that means.

Meanwhile, I guess I'm slightly disappointed that you haven't opened up to me as well. I understand you haven't done so to many people, and that it's hard, but I've tried to prove myself to be worthy of your confidance. I'm sorry if I've done anything to the contrary, and I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you ever truly need me.

I didn't want to lose you romantically, and I definitely don't want to lose your friendship either. But I have no idea how I'm going to deal with this. I don't hate you, Nor am I mad at you. But I feel like I was already on the cliff's edge, and learned my safety net was gone. I realized I could fall for you, actually fall in love with you, and was willing to let myself do so. Then... nothing. And I just don't know if I'm at the point where I can easily backpedal so that I can stand hanging out with you, and having you in close proximity (not just physically), without falling in love with you. I want to say I will try, but I don't think I can even assure you that I can do that. I'm sorry, but I just don't know that I can handle that at this moment.

That being said, I do understand where you are coming from, but I still can't help but feel that you're just giving up on this. I know you're trying to save us from more pain later, but it feels like you've just resigned yourself to being pessimistic. Frankly, I would rather try, and fail, than do this. It feels like such a contradiction to me: I tried so hard to make so many unhealthy unworthy relationships work, then the one that I actually want, that I was taking down all my walls and baring all for, is given up on. I don't really know how to take that.

I understand you don't want to sacrifice your college career for me. I'm not willing to sacrifice mine either, and I would never ask you to do something I wasn't willing to do, and even then, I wouldn't ask you for that.

You say we're not "in" love, and if we stay together, we'll be miserable. But falling in love takes time, and definitely more than 3 weeks and two days. And just because you end up loving someone does not mean you could not end up falling for that person as well. If you somehow knew you would NEVER fall in love with me, I would understand that reason. However, you said that could be possible, sometime in the future, just not now. But giving up because it might be going too well? Before you give us a chance to fall in love? Assume you did stay in Conway. We would have no guarantee that it would work out between us. And if you went to Fayetteville, it's not that far, plus we both have private means of transportation. Yeah, we could end up breaking up. But I would have at least wanted to try, and know that it didn't work out, rather than look back, and wonder.

I don't want you to break up with me because you're scared of getting hurt later. That is always a going to be a possibility. If it's about concentrating on school, we could work out a schedule. If it's about anything else, I want you to tell me the truth. But I wish you had let us overcome these obstacles when, or if we ever, came to them. I would rather you have broken up with me because we weren't compatible, or because you realized I didn't mean shit to you. Because where will this insecurity stop? What if we end up going to different grad schools? Or if, one day a long way down the road, you decided you wanted to marry me, but didn't because you were afraid of divorce. It never ends. You can never be sure of what tomorrow will bring.

It sucks, because I think you have found the one reason (like this), where I might not be willing to try it again with you. You could always back out without anything going wrong- just the possibility that it might. That is so infuriating to me. I understand you don't want either of us to suffer unnecessarily, but I can't help but feel like you're jumping the gun, if there even is one.

I don't know. I guess I feel like you're doing this because you're afraid you might fall in love with me, and then, somehow, it won't work out, and you'll end up seriously hurt again. I'm sorry to say this, but if that's the case, and you stick with your decision, I doubt I'll get back together with you. THIS is the uncertainty I don't want: that I couldn't count on you in the future. That you would be afraid of getting hurt, and would simply give up. Not even trying to fight for something that no one said was an impossibility. I don't think I could comfortably be with someone like that. At any point in time it could end, for no reason at all, other than the fear of the future, of the unknown. And that disappoints me coming from you.

If this is what you really truly WANT, then fine. I've said all I wanted to say. I can't make you do anything, nor am I even asking you to. I just want you to make sure why you're doing this, that this is what you want, what other possibilities exist, and what the repercussions might be. I want you to see what I am seeing, and understand what I have been feeling. If you don't want to be with me, that's ok. I just hope you are sure, because even though I want to be with you, even possibly try it out later, this might be your final chance. I'm not trying to force you into a decision, but this is just how it is. I don't want to have to worry that at any minute I could lose you because you don't want to be let down.

If you don't change your mind, all I can do is hope things go really well for both of us this semester. I would love to recover what we had. I hope we get the chance to. I hope I can get beyond my hesitancy of giving second chances. I know you're different than Michael, as is the situation, but I still would be worried that another obstacle would come up, and you would bail again. This sucks this time: I don't know how I'd handle it again. Especially coming from you.

I really do love you Jonathan, and I've been so thankful for your presence the past four months. I hope I can keep you in my life, and will definitely keep you in my heart.

Well... fuck...

I sorta saw it coming... After Jon said he needed to talk, I dunno. I felt sick to my stomach. I talked about it with Jenni. I tried to take my mind off of it.

He loves me, but he's not in love with me. Great, right? Lovely way to break up with someone: tell them you love them, but that it's not enough. Story of my life.

God, I can't even type right now. Words are eluding me. I didn't think I'd become so attached to him. But I am. I love him, and just as I realize I could actually fall for this guy...

So many thoughts ran through my head. Let's just say Jennifer was ecstatic. Too fat, too dumb, too worthless. Always too worthless. Never enough. Constant screaming and berations in my head. He doesn't love you; it's a bullshit excuse. He was only with you because you're a good lay. Now that Kristen is back, he doesn't have to put up with your shit anymore. Why did you even convince yourself that this meant anything. That you meant anything. You are nothing and never will be. This is your course in life: alone. You will never be good enough for anyone. You don't deserve anyone. You don't even deserve to live.

Jennifer gave up on me after a while. She said I was a waste of time. I locked up my heart again. Threw it in the back corner. I don't really want it to exist anymore. I was numb for awhile. My mind was going crazy trying to distract me. I think I memorized the stars while I was outside smoking. Jon's room is vivid, because I was trying to take in all physical sensory input rather than letting anything inside take the foreground in my mind. And then the numbness hit me again. I was actually feeling things, and then the numbness just drove me over the edge.

I want nothing more than to escape. To not have to worry about this right now.

He says he still wants to be friends. He doesn't want to lose my presence. "You mean so much to me." He wants to possibly try it later. I don't know that I can take even talking to him anymore. I opened up to him: gave him pieces of me. I was willing to give him so much more. And now it feels like it meant nothing. Like it was a waste of my time.

I want to be with him. There's been crap with Michael and David, but he's been the only one on my mind lately. I find it so easy to trust him, even if it's hard for me to admit that. I would have told him so much more if there were words for it all, opened up to him. I want to try it again... I just don't know that I can. Past experiences just don't really leave me comfortable with the idea of second chances.

And I don't know that I could take being around him if it ended up not turning out the way I hope. I'm not talking about marriage or anything. Just... the chance to be with him again. To have what we had.

Just my luck: I end up with a guy I can trust, one I can open up to, one that treats me the way I should be treated (Jennifer: "Bitch. You got exactly what you deserve"), and it ends up screwed up anyway.

I see where he's coming from. We're really getting attached to each other. We both have scholarships to worry about. If he doesn't get his back, he's going to Fayetteville. Long-distance relationships... 'nuf said.

I just wish it didn't have to end. Not like this. At least to have had it be something bad. Something stupid. I don't care. Part of me wishes he had cheated on me. Part of me wishes I hadn't gone out with him. Part of me wishes I had never started hanging out again in the first place.

I don't know what to do. I want to keep hanging out with him so that we could try it again. But I just don't know that I could take being around him right now. Or ever. If it happens any time soon, I know I'm just going to end up hurting, and wishing things had stayed the way they were. I want to have him in my life, I just don't know that I could work backwards.

But... life goes on, right?


... I love you, too, Jon...

Blah-ness

I was crying in Jon's room... again... This fucking sucks man.

Ok... here we go...

I hate Michael. Yes: this is Michael's fault again. I dunno... I guess after all the shit that he pulled, I find it hard to trust people. Not that I don't trust Jon, I do... It's just really really hard to let myself. He says he cares about me, and I know he does. And I definitely know he's not Michael, and would not do any of the shit he did. I guess these wounds haven't healed as much as I thought they had.

He has this friend named Kristin, that he had a thing (his words, not mine) with, spring semester of 08 with. I don't even want details. I don't care: it's in the past. I'm not worried about him cheating on me, going behind my back, none of that. I guess I'm still afraid of getting betrayed, even though I know that is quite improbable.

I wish Julie had more of a backbone. Otherwise she wouldn't be listening to Jennifer's bullshit anymore. And I wouldn't be having this problem.

But: that's not the only reason I was crying. Admittedly, that put me on the edge, but it was memories, and imagination, and more feelings of worthlessness that pushed me over the edge. I would have been fine. But nnnooooooooo....

[No, I can' do thuwty-fow dahllas. I give you bag foh thuwty-fow dahllas, today you come, tomowow I shut dow!] Sorry, I had to put in the Russell Peters quote.

But yeah. Shit sux. But hey, what can you do, right? Besides, I trust Jon (underneath it all), so, what's the big deal?

I just hate my head. Stupid head... I'm going to cut you off one day.

P.S. Did I mention I went to go look at pictures of her? Yeah... stupid, I know. But w/e.

... I have better boobs...

*sticks tongue out* :P mmeeeehhhh.....

Empty

I'm feeling so empty again. Things won't stop hurting, I won't stop hurting. I was crying again earlier. I don't know why life is so hard for me. Why I can't just be happy. It seems like I should be, because I have everything going for me. College, friends, family, boyfriend. Music, religion, psychology, philosophy. Brains, talent, good looks. But I still feel so worthless. I still feel like everything is a waste of time. Like people would be better off without me. If I wasn't so selfish I would have broken up with Jon by now, bc he deserves so much better than me. I would have cut everyone off so that when I finally gave up and broke down, they wouldn't be unnecessarily inconvenienced. It's so stupid.

I just noticed a message from Michael on my dry-erase board. Fucking bastard. I can't believe he did that to me. I haven't had any more nightmares lately. But it just... it makes me feel so used. Makes me feel like everything was a lie. Justifies every single thought in my head. Worthless. Stupid. Pointless. Inconsequential. That he never loved me. Was just using me to get laid. What the hell else am I good for?

I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of doing anything and everything to try to feel things. I'm tired of manipulating the people I care about. I'm tired of feeling absolutely worthless. I'm so sick of it, and I just want it to quit.

I don't think I have any kind of will anymore. I just, exist. Try to feel what I can. Try to pretend I'm alive. I'm only as alive as my surroundings. I only feel through others. I am empty.

Perdida en el caos...

I don't know why I feel so numb. It doesn't make any sense. I guess I just sorta feel like at some point in the past I died. Things hurt. I hurt.

I've been crying randomly. It doesn't make sense, because I've been a lot happier than I have been. Maybe it's for things long lost, maybe it's because I don't know what happened to my life. I don't know where I went, where that essence that is solely me went. Where I went wrong. Where I lost myself. I just feel so empty inside. Like I am living through my experiences, rather than living, and experiencing things. It is very lonely here.

It's not Jon's fault. There are times where I think I made a mistake. Where I think he would be better off without me. That he's too good to be true. Too good for me. That sooner or later, this is going to turn out like so many other times.

I am tempted to destroy myself before anything else, or anyone else, can. 89 pounds sounds perfect. Drugs, alcohol, sex, food (or lack thereof). It's almost like killing myself, whether it is through killing my morals, my mind or my body is the only way I can feel alive.

I don't know how to explain these things, these feelings, these sides of me, that are raging in my mind. I just want some peace. It's like everything is turmoil. Everything is pain. Everything is all the things I've been fighting to be free of. And I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I just want to give up. I guess I still sorta feel like I'm trying to care about myself by proxy: I keep myself around people that care about me.

There are so many things that are left unsaid, unwritten. That I can never find the breath or words to say. I want to scream, but I'm afraid if I start, I will never stop. There are parts of me that are always crying, and I try to keep them shut up, locked away, but at times the walls wear thin, and their tears leak from mine. My body yearns to bleed as my soul does; my flesh longs to burn like my mind. My core feels cold, and I wonder if breath will ever be a relief rather than a sad reminder that my earthly being has yet to follow my heart.

I just want this to be over. I want to stop aching. But how can you numb the numbness? Quench the thirst for fire?

Jon says he has only opened up to a couple of people. I have none. I mean, Stewart knew some stuff, as did David, and Carrie, and now Jon. But I haven't told anyone more than a bucket's worth, when it's full of holes, compared to this stormy ocean I hold inside.

If thoughts could kill, I would have died a long time ago.

Argh...

Jon is frustrating me. So not even kidding. I dunno, I guess it's all the little things. Things that seem to crop up any time I get into a relationship with somebody and I sense it becoming serious, at least in my head.

I guess part of it is his laziness. I mean, I know I can be lazy too, really lazy at times. Or maybe it's just the fact that he isn't doing things he says he will.

And there it is again: that stupid thing I do. I start actually letting myself fall for a guy, and this happens every single fucking time. Except one. But... that was.... different. I dunno. I guess I just start noticing that I actually care about someone, then subconsciously realize I could actually get hurt. Then I start to notice all the annoying things about them. Little things that didn't matter beforehand. But then they do start to matter. And they get to me a lot more than they should. I am pretty damn sure it's a defense mechanism- either so that I think I can't stand them, and dump them before they can dump me, or else, when they do dump me, I can say to myself I really didn't give a damn anyway.

But I always give a damn.

Last night was ironic. I for some reason (actually I know why, I just don't want to say), started crying: not sobbing or anything, just tears. And I was facing Jon, with the tv behind me. And right then he asked if he made me happy. The irony made me want to scream. But: I was not, I repeat, NOT, crying because of him. It's complicated, but it had nothing to do with him. But you know what? I told him yes, because when he's not annoying me or frustrating me, he does make me happy. Fairly happy.

I'm just not content.

I dunno, I guess after Michael and David, I just expected things to be a certain way. And I'm not saying I expected to jump right into a serious relationship right off the bat, (not that I'm calling this a casual one, just not one where I'm thinking about a year, or two, or ten into the future), but just that I expected things to be a certain way. I really don't know how to describe it. I can't explain many things in my mind.

I dunno. I guess... I'm still confused. Maybe I jumped into this too fast. I know I care about Jon, a lot, and I like spending time with him. I'm not going to break up with him for the foreseeable future. Not going to cheat on him. None of that.

I guess I'm just worried. Worried that I'm going to get hurt again before I really finish healing. But that's not even the right way to say it. I guess, I'm afraid I'm going to heal around him, and the possibility of him leaving would rip me apart. Because if you heal around someone, it's like they're the skeleton, and you're the flesh. But without the skeleton, you'd be a complete mess.

I guess I just need to make sure that I heal in a way that I can support myself if left alone. I dunno. I guess we'll see.

I just wish he'd do everything he says he's going to. That was always one of my biggest pet peeves about Michael. But whatever.

Pretty sure Jon's not going to do a lot of the other things Michael did.

Betrayed

New Year's did not end well for me, at all. In fact, it fucking sucked. Almost literally.

I wanted to see Michael: strictly as friends, as I stressed to him beforehand. So we met up at Barnes and Noble. Things went well, (i.e., he wasn't being a douche or trying to get back together with me) so I invited him to come back to Conway to hang out. We played some guitar hero, and listened to music, and talked. And I ended up falling asleep: I was so fucking tired. Probably because I didn't sleep well the night before, due to that last double-shot of tequila (smart, Julie).

Anyway, I started to have a dream where Jon and I were messing around. Not sex (yet), just foreplay. (BTW: we are officially a couple now, sorry to not write about that earlier.) But then I woke up. Michael was looking at me weirdly, and asked what I had been dreaming about. I didn't really want to tell him exactly, and it was none of his business, so I said I didn't remember. He said "Well, you were sorta moaning. I wanted to pin you down." I shivered. We talked a bit more, but I ended up falling asleep again. And the dream picked up where it left off. Then it got a little weird.

I am not exactly sure how to describe the difference, but there was one. And Jon turned into Michael. The same sort of stuff was happening, but I knew I was dreaming, so I wasn't really bothered. At some point the dream ended, and I continued to sleep.

Then I woke up. As soon as I turned over, things felt different. It felt like something had actually happened. I remembered how the dream had changed, and it scared the crap out of me. I confronted Michael about it, who immediately got defensive, and had the same tone in his voice that he had when he had lied about all the other girls. I freaked. I didn't really know what to think, I was speechless. I ended up crying, and completely spazzing out, and Michael left. Not a word. I felt so dirty... not that I had initiated anything. And it's not even like he actually raped me. Just violated me. But I couldn't handle it. Memories of John came back up (John from a long time ago, not mine), and I wanted to gag. I went and took a scalding hot shower, trying to rid myself of all the feelings. It didn't really help.

I told Rachel, and Jesal. I was going to wait to tell Jon until he came back, but I couldn't hide it from him for long. I went home. Went to work. Hung out with friends. Fought with parents. Acted so normal.

But I've been having nightmares. Every time I even slightly drift off to a semi-slumber, they pop up. And I wake up barely able to catch my breath, with tears in my eyes. Any time a guy comes near me I tense up. Hugs from all but my closest friends feel like a disguised attack. I randomly get chills, and have to turn and make sure there is no one behind me.

I thought I was stronger than this. I didn't think I was this vulnerable. As I said to Jon, Michael's been a douche, but he's never done anything this bad.

I hope I get over this soon. Michael isn't worth this. But I will definitely say, he is a friend to me no more.