III'MMMMM BAAAACCKKKKK!!!!!!

Ok, number one: I am back from piano camp. I had so much fun. And some other stuff happened too... but I'll get to that. or... maybe i should do that first, and end on a happy note.

Ok: so please: before you make any assumptions (bc they will be wrong), read the whole thing. You will, I hope, get what I mean.

At camp, I made many new friends. One of them was Ryan. I started hanging out with him most of the time. He was really fun. He is now officially the Sri-whitan. (being both sri lankan and white). But yeah. One thing I liked about him is that he was happy. I mean, truly happy. And this was because he devoted himself fully to everything he believed in and enjoyed. He didn't waste his time with stuff that didn't matter, or wasn't going anywhere. And he let things touch him: make an imprint. For instance, there was this one girl he liked, but he didn't get to ask her to slow dance. he was upset, but said that he would move on in due time. But he didn't let it affect his overall mood. One thing wrong should not affect your whole life. And so I fell in love: not with him, but with the ideology that he personified. And not as someone that I wanted to be with, but someone I wanted to be. Yeah, he had his problems... but he dealt with them. I want the same thing. And so I quit. I quit everything bad, or depressing for me. or... at least I'll try. I've tried before... but now I will try to tie up the loose ends.

And so this brings me to the next thing. On wednesday, I felt a sudden loss... that had happened a long time ago. This was of David. I made the hard decision to break up with him when I got back: whether he was coming back or not. Instead I came home to an email where he had done the same thing. In a way I was spared. In a way I was broken. I felt like I should have cried. I didn't. Because I felt like I should have. That it was more of an obligation. Yes I was hurt: but more for the fact that I had put so much into it to have it end this way. but it was the lack of emotion that told me that it was really over, and had been for some time, just that I had been purposefully, though subconsciously, blind to it. Maybe it was for the best. David and I still want to be friends... or at least he says he does. As to whether he means it, and if it is too awkward or not, I don't know. I really mean it. But in any case, I'll always remember him as the guy who made me smile...

Oh yeah: if you will look 2 posts previously, you will see another of my premonition poems. That was to David... I just didn't know why at the time. I hadn't decided to break up with him then. But yeah... Maybe my subconsciousness is trying to tell me something it knows that my conscious doesn't want to admit. Carrie especially will know what I am talking about. Many poems I write tend to describe something perfectly... something that happens anywhere from 3 hours to 6 months later. So yeah... creepy.

On a lighter note: piano camp was fucking awesome. I can't wait til I get to go next year. And I will be entering into the concerto competition: prize: 100$ woohoo! I made some awesome friends. Ryan, of course, and axe (aka Deanna), Olivia, Madeline, chicken (aka Daniel), and some others. I also met a child-prodigy-future-famous-person named philip. He is so awesome at violin. You wouldn't believe it. I aspire to be like him... only on the piano. 13 years old... wow.

My classes were awesome. I really enjoyed them. My piano playing has improved immensely in this one simple week. You wouldn't believe it.

But seriously: wasting time is one of the things I find most despicable: therefore I'm going to stop it. It is simply pointless. So why bother?

I go back to the library tomorrow, and summer band starts next week. So I have stuff to busy myself with. And I will start preparing for next year's concerto immediately. Can't wait!

pain... pain... in my mouth...

Well: the surgery is over. The cut open my gums, drilled each of my four wisdom teeth into 4 pieces, and extracted them. My bottom teeth actually straightened out a bit on their own.

Heh.. I like drugs. I am on painkillers, steroids (for swelling), and antibiotics. But the painkillers are fun: i'm not really feeling anything. whoopee!

um... my mouth is humongously swollen. like you wouldn't believe. well: the left side is. the right side is fine. but yeah.

I haven't eaten anything substantial in the past 2.5 days. not because i didn't want to (though i really didn't), but because i couldn't. i dropped 3 lbs already: so i'm back down to 107.

i cut the day before the surgery again... i haven't done it since then...

and i am going to post a shit load on cfm. trust me: i have a lot to say.

piano camp is coming up. got 19 pgs of music to memorize last fri (or was it thur?) can't remember. but i have to have it done by the 23. so yeah.

but i'll leave you with this:

I'm sad and broken
on the inside,
but you would never notice it.
For all your perfection,
your sight was blurred
by what you wanted me to be.
Failing was never an option,
though it turned out to be
the end result.
But looking back
I see that the failure
was you, and not me.
I am simply the warped
twisted product, of
those mistakes.
And all I have left
is the will to die.

The Bleeding Heart's Epiphany.

Feel me here
in your arms.
The ghost of my soul
tethered in this world,
lost for loving you.
You shattered me,
then built me back better
than ever before.
Then broke me again,
and left me
in pieces.
All I ever wanted
was held in your eyes:
a promise so delicate
and fragile
and innocent,
it was swept away
by the breath of a butterfly.
And yet as you walked away
into the mist that night,
your shadow lingered behind you,
as if in remorse.
A remnant of a kiss so pure,
it left me shaking,
and wondering what else
was hidden under your
seemingly rotten core.
Lifting me up to touch the sky,
you swore you’d never let me fall,
and I believed you-
only to find I’d been held aloft
in a dream.
And as the dawn opened my eyes,
I fell back into the memories of you:
an ache so sweet
I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

blah-de-freakin-blah

well... not much has been going on lately: boredom mainly. and i'm stuck at home while all my friends are at edge-fest. you, by the way, freaking suck ass...

my outlook on life has improved slightly... possibly enough to be considered marginally. what the hell i mean i do not know. maybe i am spouting random things...

like the fact that I think a pencil sharpener is god...

*clears throat* anyway...

*sigh* i cut again a couple days ago: j-freakin'-oy. like... three small ones on my wrist: that are practically nonexistant by this point. so- though i know it's futile, don't worry about it/me.

well... daniel is leaving on sunday. it makes me sad. he is supposed to be going to the mall tom, and will call me, and i can hopefully meet up with him there and hang out one last time. i'm really going to miss him. *sniff*

i just got my pieces for piano camp today: there are 21 pages i have to learn. i don't know if i need to memorize them, but if i do, i already have like... 5 pgs memorized... so no prob.

I also started arabesque, by debussy. lovely piece, but hard as hell... matching up rh triplets with lh eighths... fuck.

sean showed up again today: remind me to kill him.

...with the pencil minion of god...

i have an idea for a movie! it's like this: heaven turns bad, so this stripper/hooker turns to a buddhist monk, and hell, for help to put the world back together.

did i mention that there's a bunny suicide book?

-segue into the end- so.... i'm gonna go now.

laterz.