I'm sorry for all the shit I've put you through. You will never know how much it was hurting me that I was hurting you. I hope that you can forgive me.
I want to stress that I do care about you. You have meant so much to me these past months, and I will never be able to stress that enough. I'm so sorry about David, and Michael, and all the crap I had going on with them. But now, it's all you.
Trust me, I'm not using you anymore. You mean so much more to me than that. You are definitely in the upper echelon of people in my book.
And you know, I really would like to have a relationship with you. I can understand that you might want to wait, but really, after school starts, if we haven't entered into a legitimate, official relationship yet, I'm going to cut off this pseudo-stuff, and make it strictly a friendship, until you decide you want more. I just don't want anymore confusion. I can't take it. There's been way too much up til now, and I don't need that from you too.
That being said, I want to thank you again for everything you've done. Simply being here for me, of course. Wanting me to open up, being there for me when I've broken down. Being ridiculously understanding of all the relationship baggage that has come with me, letting me come to you when I needed to get away from everybody and everything else. Just, everything.
I hope things work out between us: whatever that means. I don't want to lose you in any way. So if that means just being friends, so be it. But if we could try the relationship and see what happens, that would be nice too. Whatever your decision is, I'll understand.
But don't forget that I care about you, and I will always be grateful to you. You're definitely one of the people in my life I plan on keeping there prominently.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
To Michael
You know, it's so weird to think that it's definitely over now. It took two years for it to fall apart, but what a two years it was. So Michael, this is for you.
We had a lot of awesome times. I remember... everything. The first date, the first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me, when you proposed, the first time we had sex, the first time I fell asleep next to you at night, and woke up next to you the following morning. These and so many other instances of each will always be special memories that I will cherish.
But I also remember other things. Every tear I cried, every word you wrote to the other girls, all the others that you didn't. Every sleepless night, every fight, every betrayal. How much I was hurting, how worthless I felt. How I was always wondering why I wasn't good enough.
But you know what? I was good enough. I was more than good enough. I gave you every chance you asked for, and every one you didn't deserve. And in doing so I buried myself deeper and deeper. I always loved you more than I loved myself, and the fact that I was killing myself on the inside proves that. And all you could think about was yourself. I feel very sorry for you: I hope you get over that, and find somebody that you can be enough for you.
Meanwhile: I'm finally relieved it's over. I couldn't stand it anymore, and I did NOT need to be doing that to myself anymore. I want to care about myself, and I believe that doing this was taking the first step towards that. Yeah: I will always love you, but I will never again sacrifice my happiness for someone that doesn't deserve it. You had your chance, and I'm sorry, but I have nothing left to give you. I hope you find what it is that you're looking for.
We had a lot of awesome times. I remember... everything. The first date, the first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me, when you proposed, the first time we had sex, the first time I fell asleep next to you at night, and woke up next to you the following morning. These and so many other instances of each will always be special memories that I will cherish.
But I also remember other things. Every tear I cried, every word you wrote to the other girls, all the others that you didn't. Every sleepless night, every fight, every betrayal. How much I was hurting, how worthless I felt. How I was always wondering why I wasn't good enough.
But you know what? I was good enough. I was more than good enough. I gave you every chance you asked for, and every one you didn't deserve. And in doing so I buried myself deeper and deeper. I always loved you more than I loved myself, and the fact that I was killing myself on the inside proves that. And all you could think about was yourself. I feel very sorry for you: I hope you get over that, and find somebody that you can be enough for you.
Meanwhile: I'm finally relieved it's over. I couldn't stand it anymore, and I did NOT need to be doing that to myself anymore. I want to care about myself, and I believe that doing this was taking the first step towards that. Yeah: I will always love you, but I will never again sacrifice my happiness for someone that doesn't deserve it. You had your chance, and I'm sorry, but I have nothing left to give you. I hope you find what it is that you're looking for.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Freedom (A Compilation)
Really, this would apply to three blogs: ds, cfm, and mt, but to simplify it, I'm going to put it on here.
I've made some big steps the past couple of months. And it all culminated today. And I feel so much better.
I had an agreement with Michael, when he first left for Chicago, that we weren't going to get into anything serious with anybody until he came back down, permanently, and we could try it one more time. It was a sad attempt to hold onto something I never had: the Michael that I fell in love with. That Michael exists only in my mind, and I could never really reconcile my Michael with the one that existed in the real world. My Michael was perfect: way too good for me. The reason he went behind my back all the time was because I wasn't good enough, and he knew it. It was this Michael, the one I was unbelievably lucky to have, that I kept looking for, waiting for. Thinking, if I put up with this a little longer, another time, I will have the Michael I want. And it was killing me inside. Because I kept blaming myself for why things went wrong with him, when in reality, I didn't do anything wrong.
But it was so hard to stop hurting: I could never really believe that he had screwed things up for us as long as I still had a low self-image: the way my brain was working, and the reasons that existed therein, did not allow me to lay blame where it should rest, because we couldn't both be responsible: not with how things were. He couldn't be perfect and be the reason why it didn't work. I couldn't be unworthy and not be to blame.
And I knew this was wrong: so I told him I needed to think about it. And once I had, I broke off the agreement. It was retarded. But still, part of me hoped.
I had gotten comfortable with Michael, and the only way I ever loved him was falling head over heels in love with him. I didn't know what to do with these leftover feelings of love. I couldn't stand to be in a relationship with him again, plus, I was interested in Jon. I didn't want to put him through that either. Yet still, I hoped that he would somehow magically be my Michael.
And it was with these hopes, though much lower expectations, that I saw Michael. And found out I was all wrong. Things seemed off: little things that kept adding up. I really couldn't bear it anymore, and I wanted to find out one way or another, because it was killing me. I looked at his text messages. I hated resorting to such low means, but if I didn't find out (and you can bet he wasn't telling me anything), I was going to drive myself crazier than I already am. And there they were: girls upon girls during the time of the "agreement," that he had tried to get with, while all the time he had been telling me I was the only one for him. Nothing had changed. Of course. What did I expect?
I gave him opportunities, asked him questions, so many chances to own up to it. He denied it all. Until... "If you're so convinced you haven't been trying to get with other girls, why don't you look at your text outbox, and tell me you aren't lying then." He didn't say a word. Then he tried to weasel his way out of it. "I just told them I wanted to hang out." "There are girls there that look nice and I said so." "I was trying to find out if I could get with them: I wasn't planning on doing it." And I was tired of it. So I left.
I needed to get out, get away. I wanted to drink, or get high, or do something, and I definitely needed someone to talk to. So I went to Jon's house. I got high, and ate a ton of fudge, and then I told Jon everything. It was so fucking frustrating, and I was so hurt. I don't know why I was surprised, or if I even WAS surprised. It sucked.
I woke up at one point, and was watching him sleep by the light of the muted tv. Jon's been there for me. He's put up with all my bullshit. He cares about me. And he would (I'm pretty sure) never hurt me and betray me the way Michael did. And then I remembered this one time I had a breakdown- one of those weird mood swings that happens for no reason at all, and I go from baseline to suicidal in 2.8 seconds- and Jon was trying so hard to get me to tell him what was wrong. He was asking what he could do, and saying how he hated seeing me like this, saying I could talk to him, tell him what was going on. Then he said "You mean the world to me." Whether he meant that or not, I knew I meant something to him. Jon cares about me. A lot. "More than I should." And at one point, Michael cared about me. Still does. Admittedly, he obviously cared about himself more, but he didn't do any of the stuff he did in order to hurt me. But more importantly, I figured out that I love Jon. As a friend, of course. Romantically: not quite there, at least, not yet. That depends on how things go, as well as being another story entirely. But basically, I was able to see that I could love Michael a different way. Love him because I knew him, inside and out. Because I was comfortable with him. Because he has helped me in many ways, some even springing from times he hurt me. And things started to make sense.
I was able to forgive Michael through this. And in forgiving him, I was admitting that HE screwed up, and it wasn't my fault. And then I was able to forgive myself for blaming myself for it all. So I went and saw Michael today. And things were good. I told him all of this, plus some more. I said I was done with the lies. I would be his friend, but the lies would drive me away. They don't get you anywhere, and I've had enough lies for a million lifetimes.
But I felt so liberated. It was like there was a ton that was taken off of my heart, and a hole filled that had been aching for over a year. And I felt so much better. I'll finally be able to move on.
What a nice day to start over: Christmas. Now I can truly enjoy it.
Thankyou Jon: screw the fudge. You already gave me a much better present, even if you didn't know it.
I've made some big steps the past couple of months. And it all culminated today. And I feel so much better.
I had an agreement with Michael, when he first left for Chicago, that we weren't going to get into anything serious with anybody until he came back down, permanently, and we could try it one more time. It was a sad attempt to hold onto something I never had: the Michael that I fell in love with. That Michael exists only in my mind, and I could never really reconcile my Michael with the one that existed in the real world. My Michael was perfect: way too good for me. The reason he went behind my back all the time was because I wasn't good enough, and he knew it. It was this Michael, the one I was unbelievably lucky to have, that I kept looking for, waiting for. Thinking, if I put up with this a little longer, another time, I will have the Michael I want. And it was killing me inside. Because I kept blaming myself for why things went wrong with him, when in reality, I didn't do anything wrong.
But it was so hard to stop hurting: I could never really believe that he had screwed things up for us as long as I still had a low self-image: the way my brain was working, and the reasons that existed therein, did not allow me to lay blame where it should rest, because we couldn't both be responsible: not with how things were. He couldn't be perfect and be the reason why it didn't work. I couldn't be unworthy and not be to blame.
And I knew this was wrong: so I told him I needed to think about it. And once I had, I broke off the agreement. It was retarded. But still, part of me hoped.
I had gotten comfortable with Michael, and the only way I ever loved him was falling head over heels in love with him. I didn't know what to do with these leftover feelings of love. I couldn't stand to be in a relationship with him again, plus, I was interested in Jon. I didn't want to put him through that either. Yet still, I hoped that he would somehow magically be my Michael.
And it was with these hopes, though much lower expectations, that I saw Michael. And found out I was all wrong. Things seemed off: little things that kept adding up. I really couldn't bear it anymore, and I wanted to find out one way or another, because it was killing me. I looked at his text messages. I hated resorting to such low means, but if I didn't find out (and you can bet he wasn't telling me anything), I was going to drive myself crazier than I already am. And there they were: girls upon girls during the time of the "agreement," that he had tried to get with, while all the time he had been telling me I was the only one for him. Nothing had changed. Of course. What did I expect?
I gave him opportunities, asked him questions, so many chances to own up to it. He denied it all. Until... "If you're so convinced you haven't been trying to get with other girls, why don't you look at your text outbox, and tell me you aren't lying then." He didn't say a word. Then he tried to weasel his way out of it. "I just told them I wanted to hang out." "There are girls there that look nice and I said so." "I was trying to find out if I could get with them: I wasn't planning on doing it." And I was tired of it. So I left.
I needed to get out, get away. I wanted to drink, or get high, or do something, and I definitely needed someone to talk to. So I went to Jon's house. I got high, and ate a ton of fudge, and then I told Jon everything. It was so fucking frustrating, and I was so hurt. I don't know why I was surprised, or if I even WAS surprised. It sucked.
I woke up at one point, and was watching him sleep by the light of the muted tv. Jon's been there for me. He's put up with all my bullshit. He cares about me. And he would (I'm pretty sure) never hurt me and betray me the way Michael did. And then I remembered this one time I had a breakdown- one of those weird mood swings that happens for no reason at all, and I go from baseline to suicidal in 2.8 seconds- and Jon was trying so hard to get me to tell him what was wrong. He was asking what he could do, and saying how he hated seeing me like this, saying I could talk to him, tell him what was going on. Then he said "You mean the world to me." Whether he meant that or not, I knew I meant something to him. Jon cares about me. A lot. "More than I should." And at one point, Michael cared about me. Still does. Admittedly, he obviously cared about himself more, but he didn't do any of the stuff he did in order to hurt me. But more importantly, I figured out that I love Jon. As a friend, of course. Romantically: not quite there, at least, not yet. That depends on how things go, as well as being another story entirely. But basically, I was able to see that I could love Michael a different way. Love him because I knew him, inside and out. Because I was comfortable with him. Because he has helped me in many ways, some even springing from times he hurt me. And things started to make sense.
I was able to forgive Michael through this. And in forgiving him, I was admitting that HE screwed up, and it wasn't my fault. And then I was able to forgive myself for blaming myself for it all. So I went and saw Michael today. And things were good. I told him all of this, plus some more. I said I was done with the lies. I would be his friend, but the lies would drive me away. They don't get you anywhere, and I've had enough lies for a million lifetimes.
But I felt so liberated. It was like there was a ton that was taken off of my heart, and a hole filled that had been aching for over a year. And I felt so much better. I'll finally be able to move on.
What a nice day to start over: Christmas. Now I can truly enjoy it.
Thankyou Jon: screw the fudge. You already gave me a much better present, even if you didn't know it.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I don't sleep that often anymore: it eludes me, and I'm somewhat thankful for that. The time it takes, lying there, trying to reach a slumber gives me too much time to think. My mind seems to subconsciously repress any feelings of tiredness, sleepiness, until it knows that my body is so exhausted, that the minute my head hits the pillow, I will cease to be.
So here I am early this morning. I did not sleep this night, and as I walked outside for a cigarette, I was able to watch the sky begin to lighten. It was so peaceful. I wish I could have said the same for myself.
I found myself in my fingertips as I walked back to my room through these tiled walls of the place I now call home. I was brushing against the boundaries, tile, wood, metal, concrete, that make up the endoskeleton of the building where I now write these words. And yet, as I sit here, with the keyboard at my hands, the laptop on my thighs, pillows at my back, and a bed beneath me, I still find it hard to feel. I wish I knew why.
I am still empty. I am still full of nothing. And it kills me inside. I keep drinking in people, and I take so much from them that in time, they lose their flavor and become bland. So I become restless and move on to the next one. I try to fill myself with their humanity: their perfections and their flaws. And it is never enough.
I still feel like I am using Jonathan, and he deserves better than that. I don't know: I guess it's just the fact that I seem to feel things when he's around. But there have been times where I have started something simply because I wanted to feel something, not caring why. I do like him, and I could see this growing to be something serious, but I can't help but feel that he deserves better than me, someone that is more stable, and someone that he can be happy with, and vice versa. Not that I'm not happy with him, but... it's complicated.
I guess it's just that I keep trying to live through my relationships with other people, whether they bey friendships, romantic relationships, pseudo-thingy-ma-bobbers, etc. And I feel like that's what I'm doing with Jon. But, now, I'm getting used to being around him, and so I'm growing accustomed to it. My relationships seem to be like drugs. They have to keep escalating, or at least changing, in some way, shape, form, or fashion, or else I build up a tolerance, and they don't have the same impact. Which is part of the reason I had sex with Jon this past week again, even though I hadn't really intended to do it, except for the last time. I mean, I like him, and I enjoyed it, but I went along with it more because I was feeling things: passion, lust, but even more important, wanted. I mean, yeah, part of it was being there and getting carried away, but then I thought about stopping, almost did, but the emptiness and void I knew I would feel if I did stop it from progressing scared me away. This is why I don't want to be with Jon- because I don't want to end up using him, making him my drug of choice. I care about him, which puts him apart from a lot of the other guys I've been with: they didn't mean anything to me, so I didn't mind using them like that. But with Jon, I care about him, and I want better for him than what I can offer. But then again, I do care about him, and keep convincing myself that I'm just being paranoid, and that it's fine for me to be with him, and my intentions are good, and not selfish in the least bit. But I''m borderline: that's what we do. We use things to keep us feeling alive. There is that chronic emptiness that consumes us all, that we feel the need to fill with something, anything, as long as we are feeling something. And before when I didn't care about the other person, I'd do it, and do it gladly, without a second thought to how it would affect them, or whether they would be bothered if they knew why I was in the relationship with them. I think, if I were to let myself actually get involved with Jon, then I would want myself to be more stable, and better deserving of him. He's a great guy, and I'm so glad I've had him in my life these past months. But he doesn't deserve this, and if he knew what being with me would really entail, I think he wouldn't want that either. Not that we aren't practically together right now, but to define it, to put a label on it, to attach himself to me... I would want him to be able to have the best of me- and this is not it, at all.
I guess that's the appeal that David has: we have such an awesome connection, and we're able to change back and forth as circumstances dictate. He can be a boyfriend to me, a friend, a brother, a confidant, anything, depending on what I need. And there's so much to him that I don't know, although I understand all of it, before the words even come out of his mouth. We have that ever-changing relationship that I crave. And whether we're together or not, that quenches my need for that aspect of my life. I guess it's like what happened when we broke up: it bugged me, but didn't bother me, as long as I still had him in my life. We were able to easily slip from boy/girlfriend into friends. And I was ok with that. Jenni compared it to imprinting in Twilight. The werewolf/guy would be whatever their soulmate needed at the time. When their intended soulmate was young, they'd be a caregiver, when they got a little older a babysitter, a little older, a friend, and older, finally a romantic partner (since werewolves apparently don't age, and therefore can wait that long). I'm glad I did have David like that when I did. When I moved, he was there to show me that I wasn't along. And then after Michael was there, he was able to restore my faith in the fact that I wasn't completely worthless and that nobody would ever want me. And I will be eternally grateful to him for that.
I don't know: things have been so confusing lately. I'm not really sure what's what. Not to mention the emptiness that is clouding my judgment on everything. It sucks ass.
But yeah, anyway: I'm gonna get some sleep.
So here I am early this morning. I did not sleep this night, and as I walked outside for a cigarette, I was able to watch the sky begin to lighten. It was so peaceful. I wish I could have said the same for myself.
I found myself in my fingertips as I walked back to my room through these tiled walls of the place I now call home. I was brushing against the boundaries, tile, wood, metal, concrete, that make up the endoskeleton of the building where I now write these words. And yet, as I sit here, with the keyboard at my hands, the laptop on my thighs, pillows at my back, and a bed beneath me, I still find it hard to feel. I wish I knew why.
I am still empty. I am still full of nothing. And it kills me inside. I keep drinking in people, and I take so much from them that in time, they lose their flavor and become bland. So I become restless and move on to the next one. I try to fill myself with their humanity: their perfections and their flaws. And it is never enough.
I still feel like I am using Jonathan, and he deserves better than that. I don't know: I guess it's just the fact that I seem to feel things when he's around. But there have been times where I have started something simply because I wanted to feel something, not caring why. I do like him, and I could see this growing to be something serious, but I can't help but feel that he deserves better than me, someone that is more stable, and someone that he can be happy with, and vice versa. Not that I'm not happy with him, but... it's complicated.
I guess it's just that I keep trying to live through my relationships with other people, whether they bey friendships, romantic relationships, pseudo-thingy-ma-bobbers, etc. And I feel like that's what I'm doing with Jon. But, now, I'm getting used to being around him, and so I'm growing accustomed to it. My relationships seem to be like drugs. They have to keep escalating, or at least changing, in some way, shape, form, or fashion, or else I build up a tolerance, and they don't have the same impact. Which is part of the reason I had sex with Jon this past week again, even though I hadn't really intended to do it, except for the last time. I mean, I like him, and I enjoyed it, but I went along with it more because I was feeling things: passion, lust, but even more important, wanted. I mean, yeah, part of it was being there and getting carried away, but then I thought about stopping, almost did, but the emptiness and void I knew I would feel if I did stop it from progressing scared me away. This is why I don't want to be with Jon- because I don't want to end up using him, making him my drug of choice. I care about him, which puts him apart from a lot of the other guys I've been with: they didn't mean anything to me, so I didn't mind using them like that. But with Jon, I care about him, and I want better for him than what I can offer. But then again, I do care about him, and keep convincing myself that I'm just being paranoid, and that it's fine for me to be with him, and my intentions are good, and not selfish in the least bit. But I''m borderline: that's what we do. We use things to keep us feeling alive. There is that chronic emptiness that consumes us all, that we feel the need to fill with something, anything, as long as we are feeling something. And before when I didn't care about the other person, I'd do it, and do it gladly, without a second thought to how it would affect them, or whether they would be bothered if they knew why I was in the relationship with them. I think, if I were to let myself actually get involved with Jon, then I would want myself to be more stable, and better deserving of him. He's a great guy, and I'm so glad I've had him in my life these past months. But he doesn't deserve this, and if he knew what being with me would really entail, I think he wouldn't want that either. Not that we aren't practically together right now, but to define it, to put a label on it, to attach himself to me... I would want him to be able to have the best of me- and this is not it, at all.
I guess that's the appeal that David has: we have such an awesome connection, and we're able to change back and forth as circumstances dictate. He can be a boyfriend to me, a friend, a brother, a confidant, anything, depending on what I need. And there's so much to him that I don't know, although I understand all of it, before the words even come out of his mouth. We have that ever-changing relationship that I crave. And whether we're together or not, that quenches my need for that aspect of my life. I guess it's like what happened when we broke up: it bugged me, but didn't bother me, as long as I still had him in my life. We were able to easily slip from boy/girlfriend into friends. And I was ok with that. Jenni compared it to imprinting in Twilight. The werewolf/guy would be whatever their soulmate needed at the time. When their intended soulmate was young, they'd be a caregiver, when they got a little older a babysitter, a little older, a friend, and older, finally a romantic partner (since werewolves apparently don't age, and therefore can wait that long). I'm glad I did have David like that when I did. When I moved, he was there to show me that I wasn't along. And then after Michael was there, he was able to restore my faith in the fact that I wasn't completely worthless and that nobody would ever want me. And I will be eternally grateful to him for that.
I don't know: things have been so confusing lately. I'm not really sure what's what. Not to mention the emptiness that is clouding my judgment on everything. It sucks ass.
But yeah, anyway: I'm gonna get some sleep.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Waiting for the Dawn
{Just a song I wrote this morning while I was on adderall. Took me about 2 hours to get it, and 2 more hours for me to be satisfied changing "the"s to "this"s and "it"s to "that"s... yeah. Anyway: enjoy...}
-Verse 1-
Dusk falls now/ Can you feel it?
The darkness is growing inside of me.
I don't know/ where the sun is
Anymore.
Take my hand/ and lead me
Back to the horizon.
So that I/ can feel
Again.
-Pre-Chorus 1-
This is not/ what I wanted in life.
This is not/ what I hoped for, my love.
Take me back/ to a happier time.
Back to be/fore the storm.
-Chorus-
Cuz I'm/ so filled up/ with this emptinesss inside
And I don't/ quite know how/ to go on.
I may/ not keep all/ of the pieces together
Long enough/ to see
The dawn.
-Verse 2-
My heart aches/ with a sorrow
Too deep to be consoled
My soul tires/ of this endless
Endless night.
My mind fights/ against the
Depression and anger.
My body's weak/ from this
Constant plight, oh yeah.
-Pre-Chorus 2-
I just want/ to feel complete again.
I just want/ to be whole.
But this can't go/ on much longer for me-
Fraying threads/ do not hold.
-Chorus-
And I'm/ so fed up/ with the emptiness inside
And I don't/ quite know how/ to go on.
I may/not keep all/ of the pieces together
Long enough/ to see/ the day break...
-Bridge-
Help me/ put all of the/ broken shards together.
Help me/ to right/ what is so wrong.
I know/ there has to be/ something that is better
If I/ can just stay strong/ through this.
-Chorus-
But I'm/ so fed up/ with the emptiness inside
And I don't/ quite know how/ to go on.
I may/ not keep all/ of the pieces together
Long enough/ to see/ the dawn...
This/ flawed facade/ won't sustain me forever
And I can't/ truly live/ til it's gone.
So I'm sear/ching for the/ peace my spirit's been craving
So that I... might... see... the... dawn.
I want... to see... the dawn.
-Verse 1-
Dusk falls now/ Can you feel it?
The darkness is growing inside of me.
I don't know/ where the sun is
Anymore.
Take my hand/ and lead me
Back to the horizon.
So that I/ can feel
Again.
-Pre-Chorus 1-
This is not/ what I wanted in life.
This is not/ what I hoped for, my love.
Take me back/ to a happier time.
Back to be/fore the storm.
-Chorus-
Cuz I'm/ so filled up/ with this emptinesss inside
And I don't/ quite know how/ to go on.
I may/ not keep all/ of the pieces together
Long enough/ to see
The dawn.
-Verse 2-
My heart aches/ with a sorrow
Too deep to be consoled
My soul tires/ of this endless
Endless night.
My mind fights/ against the
Depression and anger.
My body's weak/ from this
Constant plight, oh yeah.
-Pre-Chorus 2-
I just want/ to feel complete again.
I just want/ to be whole.
But this can't go/ on much longer for me-
Fraying threads/ do not hold.
-Chorus-
And I'm/ so fed up/ with the emptiness inside
And I don't/ quite know how/ to go on.
I may/not keep all/ of the pieces together
Long enough/ to see/ the day break...
-Bridge-
Help me/ put all of the/ broken shards together.
Help me/ to right/ what is so wrong.
I know/ there has to be/ something that is better
If I/ can just stay strong/ through this.
-Chorus-
But I'm/ so fed up/ with the emptiness inside
And I don't/ quite know how/ to go on.
I may/ not keep all/ of the pieces together
Long enough/ to see/ the dawn...
This/ flawed facade/ won't sustain me forever
And I can't/ truly live/ til it's gone.
So I'm sear/ching for the/ peace my spirit's been craving
So that I... might... see... the... dawn.
I want... to see... the dawn.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Blooming
So I opened up to Jon today. Quite a bit. I didn't say any of it: I didn't have the strength to do that. But I did write: a significant amount, might I add. I always feel like I express myself better in writing.
I told him about the war between Jennifer and Julie. About my insecurities. The emptiness I've been feeling. How that emptiness is why I had sex with him. How being around him has been like a breath of fresh air. How I have been feeling things around him. Hell: even boredom has been nice. But it's been better.
I still feel bad about the whole David thing though. I guess I was right: I'm not going to think about him in the romantic sense because there is no reason to. Yeah: it's be nice. But it's also not happening. Don't cry over spilled milk. Especially when you have another carton in the dorm diagonally from yours. Lol.
I dunno though: I'm not completely sure I want to get involved with Jon. It's mainly those insecurities again. There's nothing in particular that I find wrong with him per se. I mean, yeah, the whole being a pushover thing is a bit annoying, as is the random dancing. But who doesn't have their annoying traits? Michael's was touchiness, David's was liking ICP. It happens. And he really is sweet. I dunno: maybe it's cuz all the guys I have dated have tended toward the asshole side. They could be sweet, but they weren't on a regular basis. I guess I got used to being the girlfriend that could be (and was most of the time) "one of the guys."
But I'm starting to think that it is too much at once. Like, David and I break up, and then Michael and I got together, and got serious, fairly soon afterward. Then, just as Michael and I are falling to pieces, David comes back into the picture, and I think I'm going to move up to CO with him, then we break up, and Jon comes into the picture. Then I think I'm pregnant with David's baby, and Jon and I sorta get pseudo-serious, then I figure out I'm not pregnant, and I open up to Jon after two decisions to take a break. Yeah: I know this spans 3 years, but still. That's a lot. Especially for me, relationship-wise. There's normally more fodder between the relationships I care about.
But yeah... lovely, isn't it? In any case, I guess we'll see what happens.
I told him about the war between Jennifer and Julie. About my insecurities. The emptiness I've been feeling. How that emptiness is why I had sex with him. How being around him has been like a breath of fresh air. How I have been feeling things around him. Hell: even boredom has been nice. But it's been better.
I still feel bad about the whole David thing though. I guess I was right: I'm not going to think about him in the romantic sense because there is no reason to. Yeah: it's be nice. But it's also not happening. Don't cry over spilled milk. Especially when you have another carton in the dorm diagonally from yours. Lol.
I dunno though: I'm not completely sure I want to get involved with Jon. It's mainly those insecurities again. There's nothing in particular that I find wrong with him per se. I mean, yeah, the whole being a pushover thing is a bit annoying, as is the random dancing. But who doesn't have their annoying traits? Michael's was touchiness, David's was liking ICP. It happens. And he really is sweet. I dunno: maybe it's cuz all the guys I have dated have tended toward the asshole side. They could be sweet, but they weren't on a regular basis. I guess I got used to being the girlfriend that could be (and was most of the time) "one of the guys."
But I'm starting to think that it is too much at once. Like, David and I break up, and then Michael and I got together, and got serious, fairly soon afterward. Then, just as Michael and I are falling to pieces, David comes back into the picture, and I think I'm going to move up to CO with him, then we break up, and Jon comes into the picture. Then I think I'm pregnant with David's baby, and Jon and I sorta get pseudo-serious, then I figure out I'm not pregnant, and I open up to Jon after two decisions to take a break. Yeah: I know this spans 3 years, but still. That's a lot. Especially for me, relationship-wise. There's normally more fodder between the relationships I care about.
But yeah... lovely, isn't it? In any case, I guess we'll see what happens.
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