new beginnings

so overview since my last post... not that anyone's reading this anymore... which might be a relief...

i went out with chris, broke up... feel bad... still... whatev.
grades: a, a, b, a, c, d, b, b.
feelings... same
got; cell phone!!!
got: hair chopped off!
wee!

um. yeah... so i'm going to start updating this more.... since i'm also semi-ungrounded and such. and whatev.

buh-bye!

school!!! ahh!!!

ok- so school started this past week: i don't really think it's going to be too bad. i'll give you an overview:

1. band: duh- two words.... "drum major" lol
2. span 2: my teacher is v enthusiastic to put it mildly. don't think it will be too bad.
3. ap us hist: mrs. auffert is ok. i like the fact that the majority of our homework is reading: that will help me a lot.
4. word processing: do i really need to say?
5. chem lab: oh god: first thing in the morning is lab... going to die
6. ap chem: not bad: mr winston is an ok teach, so... *shrug*
7. honors pre-cal: pretty good, however i get the idea that mr. hamlin will be slightly dull shall we say...
8. ap eng lit and comp: fun fun fun! seriously.

so yeah: not bad at all.

for other stuff: david and i decided to take some time off from talking with each other which might be good for both of us. he is supposed to be coming down in november, and not to sound sarcastic or anything... but he was supposed to be coming down a lot of times. but i'd really like to see him: just not going to get my hopes up.

there are a lot of little people at school now: i'm friends with a lot of them. i've also decided to cut back on the people i do hang out with. just seems pointless for some of them. so: daniel, stewart, sarah d, sara c, reggie, alex, and a couple others are going to be the main people i hang out with. every one else can burn.

lol

anyway: laterz

The View from a Cliff

Intimate
spacing stasis,
phalanges spread.
Falling through the cracks in the concrete.
Eight hours 'til I'm free.
---
Fat subsiding under a skin so scarred,
it would make a war-torn city
seem unbelievably immaculate.
---
Yearning to be borne upon the wind,
in defiance of gravity, and
society's limits,
you jumped off the cliff,
trusting your ecstasy-enhanced mind,
and testing you imagination.
Falling, your disbelief
consumed you to your core,
desensitizing you to the crash.
In the end, we all die alone.
Obstrused from all those around us.
Solitary in a crowd.
---
Disciplinary techniques
encased in a box
you never meant to open,
teach you
that love is hard:
not a cushion for you
to land on, but
the devil that pushed you in the
first place.
A thorny blanket
a goddess of bloody tears
wraps around you,
singing you to
an eternal dreamless slumber
with honey-laced words
of destruction.
---
The cessation
of your breathing,
the blood flowing through
your rotting veins,
perplexes you.
As a rule, you are immortal,
until you are defeated.
And conquest came on
the wings of a solitary dove.
For we all die alone.

boring....

um... i'm bored....

well: summer band is ok: i like yelling at people, and i'm trying to figure out what kind of dress thing i am going to where, and where the hell to get money for a podium.

i'm talking to alan, and im'ing with david.... nobody's saying anything right now.

ok.... chicken and gravy on the body and peanut butter showers and whip cream baths..... weird.....

i miss carrie.

*sigh* i wish school would start already, so we could get out.

this is an extremely random post.

can't think of anything else to say.

johnathan and i were im'ing earlier and arguing a lot....

david was on my side.

um.... i miss dora.

and i need to look up that donato conductor's baton....

ok- g2g

-peruvian peanut.

strawberry, kiwi, banana, and watermelon

Cherry- (if you're taken by someone and love them)
Strawberry- (if you like someone)
Kiwi- (if you're single)
Orange- (If you're a stripper)
Banana- (if you're confused)
Watermelon- (wish you can go back in time)
Apple- (if your single and loving it)
Grape-(if your a ninja)
mango-(if your pregnant)
Pineapple-(if you dont care anymore)
green apple-(if ur high)


...this explains it all...

Numb... so i thought.../ New Aspirations

Ok... so I just re-read my last post: that seemed so plastic. And it was. Or was it? I guess I was still somewhat in shock when I wrote it. It hadn't hit me yet. It did later that night though. So I cried: got it out. And took to my new philosophy: if it's over, get over it. The end. But now...

Monday, after lunch, I was walking back to the library, and I felt... I'm not sure if liberated is the right word. It's too happy. There needs to be a solemness, yet calmness to the word I'm looking for. Because, yeah, breaking up with David was sad. Ok... and? It doesn't need to bog down the rest of my life. I don't have to worry about that anymore: no more wondering how the story's going to play out. I know. I'm not saying I'm numb to it: there are still moments of sadness at random times. However, I observe it, file it away, and move on.

Wow: looking back at this, it sounds phony too. But it's not. Not anymore. It's probably because I haven't had this outlook in a long time.

And I'm not saying David was holding me back, that he was stopping me from having a happy life. He did make me happy. We're emailing, and simply having him there as a friend, still makes me happy. It was me that was stopping myself. I wanted so badly to have one thing go right, and it seemed like David was a good choice. Maybe it was, at the beginning. I don't know. But breaking up with him has opened my eyes. And please: nobody, esp David, take this the wrong way. It's hard to put everything into words. But I think David of all people will know what I mean.

Also, later on at the library, i felt a feeling of why? Why was I there? It wasn't something I wanted to do: it was something to do. Anything to do. So I didn't go today. It just seemed pointless.

*sigh* so many changes in my life, so fast. it's a whirlwind of opportunity, and goals, and so many roads going so many places. What can i say? A new chapter has begun.

III'MMMMM BAAAACCKKKKK!!!!!!

Ok, number one: I am back from piano camp. I had so much fun. And some other stuff happened too... but I'll get to that. or... maybe i should do that first, and end on a happy note.

Ok: so please: before you make any assumptions (bc they will be wrong), read the whole thing. You will, I hope, get what I mean.

At camp, I made many new friends. One of them was Ryan. I started hanging out with him most of the time. He was really fun. He is now officially the Sri-whitan. (being both sri lankan and white). But yeah. One thing I liked about him is that he was happy. I mean, truly happy. And this was because he devoted himself fully to everything he believed in and enjoyed. He didn't waste his time with stuff that didn't matter, or wasn't going anywhere. And he let things touch him: make an imprint. For instance, there was this one girl he liked, but he didn't get to ask her to slow dance. he was upset, but said that he would move on in due time. But he didn't let it affect his overall mood. One thing wrong should not affect your whole life. And so I fell in love: not with him, but with the ideology that he personified. And not as someone that I wanted to be with, but someone I wanted to be. Yeah, he had his problems... but he dealt with them. I want the same thing. And so I quit. I quit everything bad, or depressing for me. or... at least I'll try. I've tried before... but now I will try to tie up the loose ends.

And so this brings me to the next thing. On wednesday, I felt a sudden loss... that had happened a long time ago. This was of David. I made the hard decision to break up with him when I got back: whether he was coming back or not. Instead I came home to an email where he had done the same thing. In a way I was spared. In a way I was broken. I felt like I should have cried. I didn't. Because I felt like I should have. That it was more of an obligation. Yes I was hurt: but more for the fact that I had put so much into it to have it end this way. but it was the lack of emotion that told me that it was really over, and had been for some time, just that I had been purposefully, though subconsciously, blind to it. Maybe it was for the best. David and I still want to be friends... or at least he says he does. As to whether he means it, and if it is too awkward or not, I don't know. I really mean it. But in any case, I'll always remember him as the guy who made me smile...

Oh yeah: if you will look 2 posts previously, you will see another of my premonition poems. That was to David... I just didn't know why at the time. I hadn't decided to break up with him then. But yeah... Maybe my subconsciousness is trying to tell me something it knows that my conscious doesn't want to admit. Carrie especially will know what I am talking about. Many poems I write tend to describe something perfectly... something that happens anywhere from 3 hours to 6 months later. So yeah... creepy.

On a lighter note: piano camp was fucking awesome. I can't wait til I get to go next year. And I will be entering into the concerto competition: prize: 100$ woohoo! I made some awesome friends. Ryan, of course, and axe (aka Deanna), Olivia, Madeline, chicken (aka Daniel), and some others. I also met a child-prodigy-future-famous-person named philip. He is so awesome at violin. You wouldn't believe it. I aspire to be like him... only on the piano. 13 years old... wow.

My classes were awesome. I really enjoyed them. My piano playing has improved immensely in this one simple week. You wouldn't believe it.

But seriously: wasting time is one of the things I find most despicable: therefore I'm going to stop it. It is simply pointless. So why bother?

I go back to the library tomorrow, and summer band starts next week. So I have stuff to busy myself with. And I will start preparing for next year's concerto immediately. Can't wait!

pain... pain... in my mouth...

Well: the surgery is over. The cut open my gums, drilled each of my four wisdom teeth into 4 pieces, and extracted them. My bottom teeth actually straightened out a bit on their own.

Heh.. I like drugs. I am on painkillers, steroids (for swelling), and antibiotics. But the painkillers are fun: i'm not really feeling anything. whoopee!

um... my mouth is humongously swollen. like you wouldn't believe. well: the left side is. the right side is fine. but yeah.

I haven't eaten anything substantial in the past 2.5 days. not because i didn't want to (though i really didn't), but because i couldn't. i dropped 3 lbs already: so i'm back down to 107.

i cut the day before the surgery again... i haven't done it since then...

and i am going to post a shit load on cfm. trust me: i have a lot to say.

piano camp is coming up. got 19 pgs of music to memorize last fri (or was it thur?) can't remember. but i have to have it done by the 23. so yeah.

but i'll leave you with this:

I'm sad and broken
on the inside,
but you would never notice it.
For all your perfection,
your sight was blurred
by what you wanted me to be.
Failing was never an option,
though it turned out to be
the end result.
But looking back
I see that the failure
was you, and not me.
I am simply the warped
twisted product, of
those mistakes.
And all I have left
is the will to die.

The Bleeding Heart's Epiphany.

Feel me here
in your arms.
The ghost of my soul
tethered in this world,
lost for loving you.
You shattered me,
then built me back better
than ever before.
Then broke me again,
and left me
in pieces.
All I ever wanted
was held in your eyes:
a promise so delicate
and fragile
and innocent,
it was swept away
by the breath of a butterfly.
And yet as you walked away
into the mist that night,
your shadow lingered behind you,
as if in remorse.
A remnant of a kiss so pure,
it left me shaking,
and wondering what else
was hidden under your
seemingly rotten core.
Lifting me up to touch the sky,
you swore you’d never let me fall,
and I believed you-
only to find I’d been held aloft
in a dream.
And as the dawn opened my eyes,
I fell back into the memories of you:
an ache so sweet
I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

blah-de-freakin-blah

well... not much has been going on lately: boredom mainly. and i'm stuck at home while all my friends are at edge-fest. you, by the way, freaking suck ass...

my outlook on life has improved slightly... possibly enough to be considered marginally. what the hell i mean i do not know. maybe i am spouting random things...

like the fact that I think a pencil sharpener is god...

*clears throat* anyway...

*sigh* i cut again a couple days ago: j-freakin'-oy. like... three small ones on my wrist: that are practically nonexistant by this point. so- though i know it's futile, don't worry about it/me.

well... daniel is leaving on sunday. it makes me sad. he is supposed to be going to the mall tom, and will call me, and i can hopefully meet up with him there and hang out one last time. i'm really going to miss him. *sniff*

i just got my pieces for piano camp today: there are 21 pages i have to learn. i don't know if i need to memorize them, but if i do, i already have like... 5 pgs memorized... so no prob.

I also started arabesque, by debussy. lovely piece, but hard as hell... matching up rh triplets with lh eighths... fuck.

sean showed up again today: remind me to kill him.

...with the pencil minion of god...

i have an idea for a movie! it's like this: heaven turns bad, so this stripper/hooker turns to a buddhist monk, and hell, for help to put the world back together.

did i mention that there's a bunny suicide book?

-segue into the end- so.... i'm gonna go now.

laterz.

exhausted...

you have no idea how sick and tired i am of everything. i'm worn out. i want to give up. constantly, i am looking for a solution to all my stupid shit, and the easiest way i can see is to swallow a bottle of pills or use that razor blade. everything is overwhelming me. i'm constantly depressed. nothing seems to work anymore. i just want to end it.

everyone seems bent on saving me, showing me how much potential i have, how much i have to live for... and yet i see nothing. all i see is more pain, and more suffering.

i don't even know how to put into words all the feelings i have right now. just shit.

the only people i really give a damn about anymore are david, carrie, daniel, rachel, stew, alan, johnathan, justin, dora... and that's it. and yet i can't help but think that they might be better off without me. one less person to worry about.

one less person to waste the already polluted air...

everything seems so bleak right now. the anti-depressants just ... stopped working. and i want to give up so badly. holding on for 4 1/2 years is too long. i'm surprised i've lasted this long. though it's not from lack of trying.

i just want an endless dreamless slumber. that sounds so peaceful- and right now...

that feels like the best i can hope for.

blah blah blah....

well: today was practically uneventful. went to library... helped with programs. had to deal with brittany... wow, she's a pain. she is so stupid and slow... you would feel sorry for her if you didn't want to rip off her head.

one interesting thing happened: rusty called. haven't talked to him in a while: that was fun. there was no 'funny' stuff this time though. so i'm happy.

i talked to justin a week ago... he was supposed to call back.

natasha's moving to ok. so that sux, and i won't be able to see her before she goes.

i talked to rhyan s. too.

wow: my white hall friend communication thingy has gone up in the last week... hm. wonder why. maybe it's remember julie week or something???

anyway: not much else. don't really know why i posted... boredom? probably.

off to talk to my lovely bf!!!... or weird bf... that's more like it.

weird... insane... clown... bf....

-psycho peruvian peanut popper person

figured it out

i know what i am going to do... or rather what i already did. i decided in a milisecond, and said it, and now that's it. it's up to david from here on out.

so basically what i told him, is that i'm not breaking up with him. he gets one more chance, and thats it. he fucks up one more time, i'm ending it. i'm not dealing with anymore bullshit, it's not worth this much. but i also told him i'd really rather him not fuck it up, and i didn't want to find out i went through all of this for nothing. cuz that would be a shame, and a pain. so yeah.

and that's it

the end...

for now.

and rachel can shut the hell up: i heard it all the first and second time: the others i quit listening. it just got annoying after that.

and i'm sorry carrie. and johnathan, i didn't mean it like that.

now: the end.

seriously.

-psycho peruvian peanut popper

Confused...

What to do, what to do? I have no freakin' idea...

Obv, if you've been keeping up with me, you know I'm talking about David. He thinks I should do whatever makes me happy: regardless of his feelings. So that's comforting.

However: everybody else sucks: they have for a while. Anytime I said anything to Rachel- EVER- she gives me this look: like, how stupid can you be? And over half of the time, she'll lecture me about how he's going to hurt me again, and I should go ahead and get out of it. Carrie lately has also been saying I should break up with him. It's a no-brainer for her. She's not saying I'm stupid, but she says I've been making some not-so-intelligent decisions lately. Oh joy.

It's actually been a while since I've had anybody support my decision to stay with David: but hey: they're not the one in the relationship are they? I am, and I don't need to listen to what anybody else says.

But then again: if they're all in agreement, maybe they're right. Or maybe they're plotting my destruction... lol.

But I'm so confused: at the moment, it would make me happier to stay with him, as opposed to breaking up. But then what? David says he's moving back when he graduates, so that's one year with him. But when I graduate: I would love to go to Juilliard to get my music teacher education degree. So then what??? We'd be apart til I got that. And not to mention the fact that I want to get a doctorate in it. So that's extra years....

I think what I really need to do is simply think. I don't know. Now that he's fixed his life, I really want to give it one more chance, but it's still taking a risk. But that's what I live for isn't it?

We'll have to see.

I've been saying that a lot lately, haven't I?

The Way Things Used To Be...

Well... a lot has happened since my last post. i guess i don't really know where to start... but i guess i'll start with what triggered this post.
i talked to david last night. it was just another random call to see if he would pick up. just as i was about to hang up, he did. *sigh* it was... awkward. to say the least. i haven't talked to him in 1 month and a half basically. i had everything figured out: what i was going to do, what i was going to say... but as usual, all my plans scattered to the winds. he said he was sorry he didn't call... and though i understand, it is going to take me a while to forgive him. if i can. he said he told jessie not to say that his life was in danger, bc i would worry: as if i didn't figure it out anyway. there were so many times i had convinced myself he was dead, or forgot about me, or both... and now this. i don't think i will be able to simply jump back into the relationship where we left off. he said that while he was out on the streets, he had time to think, and figure out stuff about himself... my time away from him has led me to make discoveries too: about me, what i want, our relationship... we have a lot we need to work on. i don't even know where i'm going right now. i'm not making any plans on what to say when we talk again tonight. i'll let my heart and my head take me there when we reach the fork in the road.
one thing i'm sure about is that i need time and space. i'm not saying i'm going to break up with him... just that... argh... so hard to explain. there is a lot i have to think about. he's supposed to be coming back towards the end of july- hopefully before i go to my piano camp. i guess i'll need to figure all this stuff out before he goes back to co. he's planning on moving back here when he graduates. he's clean now. and it's not that these are bad things. they're good. and i'm glad one of us has our life in control, has goals... i don't know. i guess, in a way, i do want things to be the way they used to. along with other things...
still haven't been eating anything to speak off. haven't cut... though i felt like it last night. not bc david answered... to make sure it was real. it was too good to be true: i didn't WANT to believe it, bc i thought if i did, everything would come crashing down. also my bpd has led me to believe several things that have happened inside my head: i.e. i am sitting down at my desk doing homework, or writing a poem, and then i sort of... blur, and found out i've been sitting on the floor in my closet for the last 45 min. i didn't want that to have happened with david. i've stopped smoking completely: i was going to yest., when i was home sick, but i changed my mind. about the other stuff i started back up on... david is trying to get me to quit. and i want to: but i have so much more stuff to deal with: to take it all on at once would be overwhelming. i'm trying to deal with things one at a time: but now they're all so intertwined and tangled, it's like a knot: if i pull on the wrong string, the whole thing becomes tighter and more impossible to untangle.
in the end, i wish i could be 4 again... that was the last time i didn't have anything to worry about: keeping my grades up, drugs, my weight... or at least be with david: sometime in the first or second week or our relationship: after that it was always... tainted in some way or another. we would work through it... but there were shadows in the background: which is what i need to figure out: do i take a relationship that mostly makes me happy, but when it doesn't, it hurts me badly, or do i do away with it, and have one less thing to worry about, but also one less anchor to hold me down, or do i simply take a break? figure things out? ... i guess i'll have to see tonight. but the fact that david's changed changes things. maybe i can change too.

summer!

well: school's out: woohoo! me happy...
and bored.

i'm chatting with J right now: jonathan for stupid people. he's trying to convince me that i'm actually going to do something with my life... heh: funny...

so: i went to the piano competition: i did well, just not well enough: but what do you expect when you put a hispanic up against 2 chinese people and an obsessive-perfectionist indian?

dora is coming in 3 days! wee! our 4 day time together is packed.

um... i've been volunteering at the library lately: and will be: should be fun.

not much else: so later!

-Julie

Shitload of time... but hey: it happens. frequently.

unfortunately. but yeah.

so: lately: activities: prom was cool. nikki kept on dragging me around. damnit. i don't know how she could have possibly found me all those times... sorta scary. but yeah

um... david and i are still together by some miracle. sorta scary.

dear god: don't make me get into mental emotional here: i'll do it on cfm...

um... i love foamy!

new favorite quote: cotton-candy-flavored bacon is in order.

END!

-psycho peruvian peanut

Been a shitload of time...

Well: it has... and a lot's happened. i don't really know where to start, or how to catch you up, (though "you" probably only consists of alan now...) it's just been... a lot. i guess i'll just tell you what's been going on lately, and sorry if it makes no sense, i really don't have the time or the patience to give you a segue.

The piercing in my eyebrow is gone. but it will, WILL be back... just maybe not for a couple of years...

grades: could be better. all i will say.

mental/emotional stuff i will write on cfm.

i think i'll have a mythoughts too.

my bday is in 1 wk and 5 days: party is in 1 and 4. got about 21 ppl invited... even though it should be 18. 3 ppl better not be able to show up or i'm screwed.

what do i want, you ask? anything not pink... just not pink... and no icp... or britney spears... or other "pop" artists...

david and i are still together. we went through a little... thing... there for a while: but we got through it: like we always have...

home: still shitty. nothing's changed there.

... i think that's it... if there's anything more, i'll do a p.s. post.

-laterz-
the psycho peruvian peanut

will be posting more

well: i haven't posted in for ever: but i will be posting more and oftener in the future. so: later! i'm off to 2 poetry workshops.
Julie

Lately

well: i went to piano competition on sat. i got first place: that means i am going to state competition. yay me!

the eyebrow piercing might not be here for much longer: my dad is going to call the school and ask my teachers if i have been wearing it. damnit.

i am turning in all my stuff for art history tom. i have a ton to do tonight. argh.

david is NOT coming down for spring break: which makes me sad. very sad. *sigh* oh well.

um... not much else is really going on: well, i am going to my grandparents' house on friday: my cousins from ohio will be there too. that might be cool: depending. thomas can be really really hard to deal with.

my dad blocked me from the comp. i don't have the time or patience to hack: so i am doing this at the library.

ok: that's it. that's all for now! ttyl!!!

razor blades, bunnies, and courtesans-
Julie

piercings

well... i pierced my ears a second time as i posted previously. i pierced my eyebrow, and it looked really cool... but my parents made me take it out. i'll do it again later though. heh. and i have some more stuff to say about that on mythoughts. so go check that out.

um... yeah: boots got out yesterday: we don't know how. stew and i looked everywhere... well... for a couple of blocks. and then my dad and i biked around for an hour. for those of you who don't know: it was hard: sherwood is hilly. and we went up all the hard ways. however: we did get to go down 3 really cool hills: and my brakes started failing. joy. oh well.

yeah: also: while searching, i almost fainted 3 times when with stew. bc i haven't been eating. it really sucks, i know. but... *sigh* it's just... crappy. but i think it's getting worse: cuz now i can't even convince myself that i'm underweight. i think i'm like close to 103 or something now. it really sux. but yeah...

um... lets see: jennifer and i played ers today. and no: i am not referring to the voice-thingy in my head. we are so much alike in how we play that game: it's hilarious.

i have a piano competition on sat. wish me luck!

anyway: other than that: everything is dull... or at least... normal... for me... which is weird... but... yeah: never mind.

ps: i just slid it in with no trouble and i've had it off for 3 hours: plan: wear it during the day, take it off while i'm at home and up and about, wear it to bed. hehe! will put a pic on later. have to find my digi cam.

pictures...

my 05-06 pic. um... my hair is longer... i think that's about all that has changed. and i pierced my ears a second time a couple of days ago. yup... will write more later

Party

Well... Jesal's bday party is today. I'm going, and not spending the night, so it ends up. It doesn't really matter: Rachel isn't either, and as far as I know, not many of my friends are. Most of them are Jesal's friends. Oh well.

Rachel is also coming over a bit before the party: so we get to hang out. That should be cool. I cant wait for it.

not much else is going on. the journal with alan is cool. we'll see where that goes.

um... i think that's it! i gotta go get ready: write more when i get back.

A Love Long Lost, and Long Forgotten...

i got a call today. i can't really say whether it was wanted or not wanted. probably a combination of both. in any case, it got very confusing. but then again, so does anything when it has to do with rusty.

so i pick up the phone and it's rusty. j-freaking-oy. not a bad thing: or so i thought. the last time i heard from him was february last year. so i was excited, and yes: a bit pissed. ok: more than a bit. anyway: we talked about what had been going on. then he started getting all mushy and reminding me of how it was when we were together. I didn't want that. it's not something we have between us. but somehow, he got to me. i don't know how. but i ended up crying: not because i missed him, or because of how we used to be, but because of the innocence which i possessed at the time of going out with him and how i always had somebody who could make it better for me. i admit: i was happy with him: but i wasn't with him anymore: i am with david: and i'm happier in this position than i was with rusty. and that's when it hit me.

somehow rusty got onto the topic of how he always knew what i was thinking, and could always say the right thing to make me feel how i wanted to feel. which was true when we went out: the situation i was in at that time allowed it to be, seeing as i was weak, lost, and drowning in my grief, in all practicality. but then, i got on my bed, and the first thing i saw was the pic of me and david i've got up there. I was in white: the sky was clear, his arm was around me, and we each had this smile on our faces... It seemed so symbolic to me. In a time filled with darkness (my black garb) when i was caught with david in a second captured for eternity, the sky was clear of any clouds trying to release their crimson tears, and i was white in purity and happiness. And i thought: you are not david. you never will be, and you will never compare. you may have been able to make me cry with your words, but david has been able to make me smile with a milisecond glance from across the commons. when his arms were around me, i would forget everything bad in my life. looking into his eyes i fell into the sky and flew. When he kissed me i was left shaking, and was happy for days. what is more telling: that you can make me cry, or that he can make me soar. i asked rusty to tell me what i was thinking: he started: you miss me, (yes, but not it), you want to see me (goes with the missing thing, doesn't it?), you love me, (sure). of course, he couldn't tell me. How could he. He wanted me to tell him then, what it was. I couldn't. There was no real way to put it into words: what i have said here doesn't even come close. He said if you love me, you'll tell me. he was met with silence. He said, when two people feel as strongly about each other as we do, they should be able to tell each other everything. without denying that i didn't feel for him as he did, or said he did, towards me, i said, and sometimes, even then, they don't tell the other person something for that very same reason. He tried to get me back where he wanted me: but he couldn't. that's when i knew it was really over.

I lost him a long time ago: but he lost me earlier: i just realized that today. i forgot what it felt like to know him. i let myself forget the bad things and just remember the good, or what was good for me when i loved him. yes: he will always be my friend: but he made a mistake in trying to make me go back there. i am free of him: i no longer need his shoulder to lean on. no longer need his words to make me smile. i have everything i need. if he keeps on trying to move me in his direction however, he will lose. i am no longer a puppet. i am happy where i stand. i'm not looking back to the past for memories of smiles any longer. i am looking to the future of smiles i have coming and i am looking forward to standing on my own. i am free.

been a while... yup... been a while...

well- it's been a really long time since my last post. i believe it was something bout becca. but yeah.

ok: well: music department- since the last time i've written, i've had my piano concert: that went really well. i also had afmc festival: i got a "superior" rating, which is the highest you can get. so happy happy joy joy!

school: grades: not so good. i have also decided what classes i am taking next year, and what i want to do career wise. classes: english lang and comp (ap), honors pre-cal, ap us history, ap chem and at ap chem lab, band, word processing 1 and 2, span 2. my senior year i am taking whatever ap eng class, ap ab cal, ap euro hist, ap bio and at ap bio lab, band, music theory, and hist of ideas. yup.. and my career choices are like... a band-director, and a forensic scientist/investigator. However, i will be giving voice lessons, piano lessons, and french horn lessons throughout my life no matter what. so yup.

um... personally: well most of that crap will be under cfm. so you'll have to go there.

i have a raw spot/abrasion on my eye. no contacts for me for a week. j-freaking-oy.

um... that's it for now. yes... oompa loompa teletubbie.

ILM

In loving memory: Becca Goates.
Becca died Thursday night. she committed suicide by hanging herself. I don't know why, but I'm sorry that she felt she had to go that far. We said a prayer for her at sarah's party. Everyone will miss her.

Now on a lighter note.

Sarah's party was fun. we hung out, did blah. yup.

um... i haven't talked to david in over a week. considering what normally has happened when i can't contact him for a week or more, i'm creeping out again. so joy. j-freaking-oy.

yeah: lot's of mental stuff going on: you'll have to go to cfm. yup.

i made a new friend: morgan. now also known as "max's girlfriend" me being max. yeah: there was this confusion over my name, and she was like: i'll just call you max. and then i was like: ok, then you're max's girlfriend. we've talked on the phone a couple times. she's cool. i can't believe she's only 13. like carrie. but yeah. oh- and she's jeremy's gf, but she's mine first. uh-huh. don't worry david: the only person you have to worry about competition with is rachel and carrie. lol.

i went to church today. of my own volition. and i didn't even scream out "let satan bless you and rape you all" either. go me. i think...???

um... i think that's it. oh yeah: i'm planning my sweet sixteen. yes: i know it's still like 3 months and one week from now: you're point is? *sigh* in any case.

yup... that's it.

end.

Jazz's Party

-positive side. i suggest you read cfm first so you can read this afterward and be somewhat cheered up.

ok- carrie came over to my house yesterday. so did alan, and we watched white oleander. that was awesome.

the party was cool too. i even sang. lol. once with jamie, on my immortal, and another time by myself: broken. i had fun. everybody told me i did good. i thought so... at the time (refer to cfm)

um... not much else happened. i had fun. headbanged a lot, my neck is so sore right now. but yeah. basically, i had the time of my life hanging out with my friends. it was a blast though. really.

and i did eat cake and carrots and a chip or two. be happy.

but i gotta go- so yeah! toodles!!!

random shtuff... (yes, i mean shtuff)

well- i talked to david like... tuesday. j-freaking-oy. oh well. at least we talked.

um... i got my PLAN test results back. they were okay... well- they were awesome... but not the point. i got a 27 out of 32. *shrug* on the graph that shows percentage that got worse or the same as me, i got 3 100s, 4 99s, a 97 and a 95. my estimated ACT range was 28-32. for once i was good enough for my parents. not that i care anymore. but that tells me something.

one of my new year's resolutions is to get straight a's this semester. not on papers: but 9 weeks, and sem tests. yup- we'll see how that goes. i'll be satisfied with high b's in ap classes, but everything else will be an a.

choir is a mess. first off, they put the advanced and the general together, and now they go and dump 20 more people in bc there's nowhere else to put them. so now we have 15 people who want to be in there and want to do something good with their time. and 35 who couldn't care less.

i have decided to forsake evanescence with the exception of like.. 4 songs. in their place will be flyleaf. they rock. i'm like... in love. (don't worry david- i won't leave you for them) lol! ;P

in any case. that's all. um.. yeah- or... not...

a lot of other crap has been going on. but its all is mental/emotional. you'll have to go to cfm to see it.

lately...

Well, lately everything has been... well, there's no one word to describe everything: they've all been bad or good to varying degrees. I guess I'll start with the thing foremost in my mind.

I haven't heard from David in a while. It's starting to really freak me out. I don't know... *sigh* but yeah.

um... school is ok. i guess. one of my new-year's resolutions is to do better. on my report card I got 4 a's and 4 b's. 2 of the b's were in ap classes anyway, but yeah. my gpa right now is like... a 3.6 or 3.7. something like that. I want to get it up to like a 3.9 tho... or something like that. that means a's in every class... maybe minus one. i bet i could do it if i actually tried. heh... wow: me trying at school... interesting. we'll see.

um... my weight dropped another lb. freaking joy. well... i actually am happy... even though i know it's not good... but... yeah... i don't know. i just... can't deal with it: it's easier to give in. it's easier to do a lot of stuff... though it isn't necessarily the right or the best thing to do.

i talked to justin today. that was awesome. i haven't talked to him in a while. i hope i get a chance to go down there soon. I want to see him so badly.

Rachel came over today. we are trying to figure out what to do on the talent show. reflections (mulan) is an option.

wow... david and i have been going out for 8 months... hm...

um... i think that's all... other stuff has been going on, however, ... due to my lovely comp (kicks comp) i have only 8 minutes left, and i have homework due tomorrow anyway, so I'll write about that later. possibly on cfm... since it's all mental crap... j-freaking-oy. yup... j-freaking-oy.

the beautiful anathema of sanguine cemetary nights,
Julie