Wistful

I don't know where the fuck to start... Shit: whatever: this is going to be out of order, but I really don't give a damn.

I have a picture I drew back in ninth grade, and it has a tree, with a ton of roots, and a girl next to it, and a doll hanging from one of it's branches. The tree's leaves are painted in my blood. I know: whatever, I don't care.

I showed it to Jon and told him "That's my blood." And he sorta spazzed. Said he was about to faint, practically threw it down, and said "Don't say stuff like that to me." I was hurt. I don't really know how to explain it. I wanted to get into detail with him. Tell him I had started cutting myself on the bus, and was basically tracing the veins on my left wrist/hand with the razor. That I was inspired (in a twisted way), went home, drew the tree, opened up the scabs, and dipped a paintbrush into my veins to paint the leaves. But I couldn't, because he couldn't take it. And it makes me wonder how well he's taking the rest of the shit that comes with being with me, or even if he can take everything that makes up this being that is "me." It feels like he wants me to open up to him, but only so much. Like he jumped into water that was deeper than he thought. Now I'm scared to tell him anything, for fear that it will be too much. He said I wasn't going to scare him away, but there's so much he doesn't know, and I don't know how all of that is going to affect him. Like when I told him about the different personas, and it seemed like he didn't know how to react. Not that I expected him to, but... it's difficult.

I've cut patches in my skin so much, so close together, it seemed it was more wound than flesh. I've almost killed myself without meaning to by slipping a razor in so deep I broke through veins, and just let the blood drip down my arm, not caring when it stopped. I've been able to count my ribs while standing, just by looking at them. My stomach used to be such a deep depression when I laid down, and I sorta miss that. I used to make myself throw up until I saw blood. I'd hold a safety pin over a lighter until it turned white hot, then press it to my skin and watch my flesh melt. I'd rip my fingernails apart til they bled, and picked at my face until the whole thing was red. I've bloodied my lips by biting at them countless times, and picked scabs off until they scarred. There is so much shit I've done to myself physically, let alone mentally. I don't say this to gross him out, or scare him. But that was a big part of who I was, and who I was and who I am are things I want to share with him. But now I don't know if it would really be best to tell him.

And I feel like he isn't opening up to me. He says he's opened up to me more than anyone else, but I'm not really seeing it. I can see that maybe he's more himself around me than other people, but as far as opening up goes: not really. I mean, I'm not expecting him to tell me something horrifying or bizarre: not everyone has secrets as twisted as mine (not saying mine are the most twisted out there), but I haven't (that I know of) had him tell me something personal, other than he loves me. And even then: he loves me but isn't "in" love with me. Which I understand. I think I'm sorta inbetween right now. But, whatever. I just don't see what he's talking about, and if he has, and I just missed it, I'm sorry. But I've been giving him pieces of me.

Speaking of pieces: it seems like he wants pieces, but can't really handle the big ones. Like sometimes I'll give him a chunk that is more than he can carry, so it gets shoved back in my face. I don't know... I'm so scatter-brained right now.

And a while back he said he felt like he was trying too hard: like, he was asking me what was wrong in vain. He wasn't. It helps so much to have him there, and to know that he cares, and wants to help. If he could just be a little more patient, I know I could open up to him. I have so much... but with the whole blood thing... I don't know anymore: I want to, but I don't want to give him too much.

[Jennifer]: Told you that you were too fucked up. You don't deserve him one bit. Stop fucking whining, and just go to sleep. While you're at it, don't wake up.

I don't want him to stop asking what's wrong, I don't want him to get overwhelmed. I don't know what to do.

Just... well... fuck... I give up.

For now...

Ummm... I don't have a good title...

So not a ton has been going on lately. I finally cleaned my room! Yay! And I've been spending more time in here as well. I also made a schedule for the weekdays that I haven't really been following to a "T", but I'll get there.

I just had this really weird impulse to type "we'll" get there... huh.

Anyway: Valentine's day was nice. We didn't go on a hike that day, but we did go on a bike ride, and we went hiking the next day. I found my new favorite spot: it was gorgeous and I just connected to it. I don't know how to explain it: I just did. I want to go there now and meditate. For some reason, I was very at peace and happy there, looking over the water, and just feeling very mindful, very zen. I wish I could feel that way all the time.

I know I haven't written in a while: it's been hard- I don't really know how to describe it. I've mainly been focusing on school, Jon, trying to eat and sleep, but not in that order. I don't really know what order. I do plan on taking care of myself first, then school, then Jon. I hate to do that, but I think I sorta have to. Either things will work out with Jon, or they won't. But what I do with my body and my schooling are going to stick whether the relationship does or not.

Oh, I'm taking my old journals and posting their entries on here. If you (whoever the fuck you are, I know Ari, Jenni, Jesal, David, and Jon have this address now, though I have no idea how often they read it) want to go check it out, I'll try and keep this updated on what date they reside under. I am posting them under the dates they were written though, not under new dates, so you'll have to dig through the archive for a minute. But yeah, I think I'm going to go post a couple now.

(Journal Inclusion #1: Found in Archive under January 26, 2005)

Full... finally.

So basically: for like... 3 weeks, I haven't been eating or sleeping well. The past several days have been better: more like 1000-1500 calories a day, and 4-6 hours of sleep a night. But previously it was like, 500-1250 cals a day and 0-4 (if I was lucky) hours of sleep. It sucked.

And it was really straining me too. I couldn't concentrate in class, felt like I was going to pass out a lot. I was weak, drained, tired, and really overloaded emotionally, because of crap with Jon partially, but mainly all the shit in my head (see cfm). I felt like shit, just completely.

But last weekend I slept, like at least 1/2 of it away. And I've been eating more.

I checked the scale today though: 110. I was sorta happy to see it, an sort of scared. Cuz I must have been under that at one point. And I like being 110. It's a nice number. If I could just stay here, I'd be okay. Jon says he likes how I look... well, lately he has been talking about how worried he is, and he mentioned a little over a week ago that I was getting "skinnier," which implies that I was already skinny, which I don't believe. Slim, trim, fit, yeah. Skinny: not so much. And he wants a girl with "meat on her bones." I like meat: to eat. Not to have on me. But whatever. I''m not trying to starve myself. Not on purpose.

In any case: that's all for now. I'm going to take a nap, then study my ass off for my test tomorrow in Islam. It's a map test... I'm fucked.

Jalapenos, Gelapagos Islands, and Jahariyah.

the crazy bitch on the edge.

This Past Weekend

I'm back together with Jon: we're going to try to make it work. We'll see what happens. I am not going to keep holding on to it if it seems like a lost case though: I've done that far too much.

As far as last weekend. It was crazy. Friday afternoon I saw Nikki and Kellis, and I went over to go do their make-up. Then I came back to campus, ate with Jon, went to Dr. Fawcett, and talked my ass off. Then I went back to Kellis', and decided I was going to roll ecstasy with them. I called Jon and told him I would, and then after I got off of the phone with him, I started freaking the fuck out. Mainly because I was still in a really insecure spot, was going to be rolling, and didn't want to do anything to fuck it up. Not that I really thought that I would, ... I guess I was just scared that something would happen and after we finally worked through all the stupid crap, I was going to screw it up any way. But I didn't, so, no biggie.

Wow... I just said "no biggie." Weird...

Anyway: rolled- awesome!!! Met new people: Nathan, Tara, Jay. I remembered their names really easily too. Maybe if I'm rolling when I meet people I'll be better at remembering their names... lol. No.

Jay ended up being attracted to me: which made things a little awkward. But we have that worked out.

I also ended up giving a TON of massages that night/morning. Lol: that was fun.

And Tara and I took pics together... lol... Don't ask.

But yeah: apparently Jon and I are going to over spring break. Which is cool. I can't wait.

But he is going to Fayetteville, which sucks, but we'll figure it out.

Anyway: later.