The Way Things Used To Be...

Well... a lot has happened since my last post. i guess i don't really know where to start... but i guess i'll start with what triggered this post.
i talked to david last night. it was just another random call to see if he would pick up. just as i was about to hang up, he did. *sigh* it was... awkward. to say the least. i haven't talked to him in 1 month and a half basically. i had everything figured out: what i was going to do, what i was going to say... but as usual, all my plans scattered to the winds. he said he was sorry he didn't call... and though i understand, it is going to take me a while to forgive him. if i can. he said he told jessie not to say that his life was in danger, bc i would worry: as if i didn't figure it out anyway. there were so many times i had convinced myself he was dead, or forgot about me, or both... and now this. i don't think i will be able to simply jump back into the relationship where we left off. he said that while he was out on the streets, he had time to think, and figure out stuff about himself... my time away from him has led me to make discoveries too: about me, what i want, our relationship... we have a lot we need to work on. i don't even know where i'm going right now. i'm not making any plans on what to say when we talk again tonight. i'll let my heart and my head take me there when we reach the fork in the road.
one thing i'm sure about is that i need time and space. i'm not saying i'm going to break up with him... just that... argh... so hard to explain. there is a lot i have to think about. he's supposed to be coming back towards the end of july- hopefully before i go to my piano camp. i guess i'll need to figure all this stuff out before he goes back to co. he's planning on moving back here when he graduates. he's clean now. and it's not that these are bad things. they're good. and i'm glad one of us has our life in control, has goals... i don't know. i guess, in a way, i do want things to be the way they used to. along with other things...
still haven't been eating anything to speak off. haven't cut... though i felt like it last night. not bc david answered... to make sure it was real. it was too good to be true: i didn't WANT to believe it, bc i thought if i did, everything would come crashing down. also my bpd has led me to believe several things that have happened inside my head: i.e. i am sitting down at my desk doing homework, or writing a poem, and then i sort of... blur, and found out i've been sitting on the floor in my closet for the last 45 min. i didn't want that to have happened with david. i've stopped smoking completely: i was going to yest., when i was home sick, but i changed my mind. about the other stuff i started back up on... david is trying to get me to quit. and i want to: but i have so much more stuff to deal with: to take it all on at once would be overwhelming. i'm trying to deal with things one at a time: but now they're all so intertwined and tangled, it's like a knot: if i pull on the wrong string, the whole thing becomes tighter and more impossible to untangle.
in the end, i wish i could be 4 again... that was the last time i didn't have anything to worry about: keeping my grades up, drugs, my weight... or at least be with david: sometime in the first or second week or our relationship: after that it was always... tainted in some way or another. we would work through it... but there were shadows in the background: which is what i need to figure out: do i take a relationship that mostly makes me happy, but when it doesn't, it hurts me badly, or do i do away with it, and have one less thing to worry about, but also one less anchor to hold me down, or do i simply take a break? figure things out? ... i guess i'll have to see tonight. but the fact that david's changed changes things. maybe i can change too.