New Horizons

It's crazy, because two weeks ago, I would have told you I was happy. Two weeks ago, I thought I was.
I wasn't. As much as it pains me to say this, I must say it: I was miserable. I was crying myself to sleep a couple of nights a week. Two weeks ago, Michael and I were getting into fights everyday. Two weeks ago I still had vivid thoughts of killing myself. I felt sick with worry, sick with guilt, sick with inadequacy, sick with betrayal, sick with pain, sick with fears of so many things, mainly of loss.
It's just now that I see I lost myself. I was so caught up in what things should have been like, that I completely overlooked Reality. But who wants to admit Reality when She is standing there with a 45 in your face? She has already beaten you down to a pulp, stabbed you in the back numerous times, and made you feel like shit- completely worthless. And I... I was sitting in the corner of the room, lost in my own little world with my delusions of optimism and grandeur. I was convinced that it had to get better soon. Reality owed me that. I deserved it, damnit, and I wasn't letting go until I had it in my fucking grasp.
What I didn't see was that it took me letting go, the very thing I refused to do, in order to get over that next barrier.
So yes. Michael and I broke up. Do you think I blew it out of proportion? I'm not done yet.
I haven't begun to explain how I loved him so much I overlooked my needs. I haven't yet begun to explain the way he made me feel, which, I think, might have been what I loved the most. For there were good times where I felt like I would never be happier. But shadows of the past and strained minds and starved hearts can obliterate anything, any happiness at all.
And don't think I didn't hate myself. I did. For the first 48 hours I thought I was making the biggest mistake. I thought that it was wrong, all wrong, and we were taking the easy way out. But the easy way was letting ourselves believe in the fairy-tale ending when there was a good chance we would self-destruct long before we ever reached it. Our relationship was like a drug, it kept feeding us and feeding us, sating our need for companionship, for passion, for love, while constantly destroying us more and more violently the longer we indulged.
I love Michael, but our relationship was a poison, and one I had gladly taken, thinking that maybe the next time it would magically turn into a cure, or maybe the next time, or the next, or the time after that. I didn't want the poison: I wanted the cure. "The hand that hurts can also heal" and all that.
I'm free now: free to live with the guilt that maybe if I had tried harder, been better, prettier, smarter, etc. Free to live with a heart that has been broken yet again. Free to live with another set of shattered, unfulfilled dreams.
And yet, I'm also free to move on. Those bruises, scrapes, and cuts that darkened my heart, mind, and soul are no longer being reopened, and relived everyday- they have the chance to heal. Maybe one day I'll be whole, or at least close enough to be content.

Broken-hearted, but relieved.

So many things have happened lately, it's really ridiculous. I've decided not to hold anything back here: what's the point? I'll only be holding it back from myself, this will be me, unedited, unconstrained, unbound. No rules or obligations apply.



Michael and I broke up. It sucked ass. We both cried, and we didn't want to, but there was no other way to fix it; we had tried so hard. We were both miserable, and he's going to be leaving soon. And I wish I didn't love him, but I do, more than I ever thought I would. I would have loved to be his wife, to have kids, to die with him there beside me. But it just wasn't meant to be. And some part of me will always love him. I hope he knows that.



There is a greater part of me that is relieved. Because as shitty as breaking up was, I feel that maybe now I can begin to heal. While I was with him, it was like the wounds from everything were simply getting reopened every day. But now I'm hoping I can mend, albeit slowly, but mend nonetheless. There is pain in letting go, but resolution in acceptance. And I think resolution is what I need now.

Waiting to Reach the Horizon

So much has happened since I last posted. It's hard to truly recap on everything that has occured in the past (?) months. My heart has broken, healed, and broken again. My goals and dreams have become fluid, constantly changing. I got a job, lost friends, and suffered through happiness. I have touched thoughts, and smelled flowers, and laughed in the face of despair. I have moved through spheres of existence while staying solitary in my personal plane, and time has moved through me. I don't expect this to make sense to you, whoever you are, and I don't care if you wonder about my sanity, or lack thereof. I am trying to expound these feelings in a way that they might make sense to me. I am trying to gain knowledge, to grow, and hopefully, to reach a collective center in myself. This is my journey, and you're welcome to follow me, or try. I see a new book beginning soon, and whether this is the epilogue of the last one, or the prologue of the new, it matters not. The old book will be burned, and I don't want to look back. The present is all that exists. I intend to attain mindfulness, as the past is gone and the future will eventually come to be. I hope to be happy.

Right now:
I am Jennifer Julie Pyle, and I am fighting many things. Things around me, things of me, and things inside of me. My parents are anchors and shadows, keeping me tethered and reminding me of the past, and though I might call them the source of my displeasure, it would be better to say I am not happy while I am with them. I have a love, Michael, who can make me the happiest and the saddest. It is hard loving him when his mouth drips with empty lies and his eyes rest elsewhere, and I do not know where his heart is. I have dreams: many dreams. I dream of a magnificent career as an interior designer. I dream of children. I dream of happiness. I am still in high school, and am looking at college. I have been offered several full rides with stipends, and am seriously considering one of them. I am wondering about choices I have made, and am fighting old battles. I will not say I will update here often, but I will when I feel the need. And until then...

pianos, rags, and missed calls,
-peruvian peanut.

Back: For Good This Time

So yeah: I haven't been posting as much lately. I know. I was grounded on and off. But I should be good now. Even when school starts up, I am going to make it a habit to get on here and post at least once a week.

I really don't want to go over everything that has happened in the past 5 months. It's a pain, and I don't want to have to relive all of that. so yeah...

But here's my status now:
I'm at governor's school for 2 more weeks and 4 days, then off to piano camp for a week. Then back, just in time for summer band.
Michael and I are still together, and doing well. There were some rocky parts for a while, but we got those smoothed out. That and the fact that we're engaged.
Mainly, my friends right now are Whitney, Jesal, and Michael (yes your b/f can be your friend. stupid close-minded people). But yeah. I think I've limited it because of governor's school. But I don't really feel like that social of a person anymore.
Governor's school by the way is freaking awesome.

That's all the main stuff. I just got off of my 5-day break, and was so ready to come back. The tension at home was killing me. When I walked back to my dorm room, everything just felt so much better than it has. So hopefully I can enjoy these last two weeks here, and piano camp.
Lindsay Payne and I have talent show soundcheck today, and talentshow tomorrow. So that should be fun. Wish me luck!

Anyway: I'll write more later.

-Peruvian Peanut

Months and months....

Wow, I really have to start updating this thing more. Bad things, is I'm still tech. grounded. which sux major ass. but yeah. doesn't really matter, noone reads the damn thing anyway. eh: for myself then.

*sigh* home life is complete and total crap right now. shitty beyond belief. i thought it was bad before. the subject of my worth came up, though not directly. weight, grades, helpfulness around the house did. overall: i'm no good. so worthless i am. sheesh; wouldn't want to take up anymore of their time or money... or air... maybe i'll just go kill myself now...
... nah: they're not worth it.

unfortunately, the stress and depression did lead me to cut.. but just a little.... *sigh* it really sux. i haven't been eating much either, but that's more because i'm never hungry.... eh. whatever.

meanwhile, everything outside of home is going well. michael and i are doing awesomely. is that a word? oh well... having fun with my friends and stuff at school too. oh yeah, and prom is coming up too... haha: michael has to wear a tux. anyway.

mmm.... poetry! wee...
---
Scissors, knives, blades
But nothing cuts me like
your words.
You worry about
the damage, the pain,
I inflict upon myself.
Turn your eyes, instead,
to a mirror,
to see where
the real reason
lies.
I'll stop hurting myself
when you do.
---

...so yeah: obv to my parents. but hey, whatever.

anyway: going to go post other stuff now...

bye!!