I keep finding myself shaking. I keep finding myself so very close to tears. I'm so close to breaking, it feels like it already started, and I've simply hit the pause button. But there is no rewind, and sooner or later, the play button is going to be hit, even if it's not by me.
I haven't been eating that much, I have these ridiculous urges to cut. I have the means to right next to me- an exacto blade, a box-cutter, sharp-assed scissors. my brain is in constant turmoil, constant chaos. I would do anything for some silence, for some peace.
I wish people would stop telling me that I mattered. Because I don't think that I do, and really, I don't feel like they should think I do either. And they're holding me back.
This sucks. I keep hoping for something to go right, anything, and nothing does. I always try to keep optimistic, try to think just a little longer, but I'm starting to think more and more that I won't get any tranquility until I die.
I'm so frustrated. I want to care, I want to be happy, I want to feel something other than this emptiness, this endless despair.
---
There's nothing here for me now. Nothing at all. Now I remember. This happened to me before. This is why I left.
I don't want to be an ant, you know? I mean, it's like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continuously on ant auto-pilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop, go, walk here, drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in a polite manner. Here's your change. Paper or plastic? Credit or debit? You want fries with that? I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be an ant, you know?
---
BTW- that was an excerpt from waking life. Well, two actually.
But you know, that's what I feel like. An ant. I'm not doing shit for myself. It's all this fucking programming. I'm sick of it. It's making me feel so pointless, so directionless. I'm ripping myself to the core looking for a shred of truth, a shred of individuality, a piece of myself. And all I keep finding are pices saying "Made in China," "Made in Japan," "Manufactured in the Phillipines," "Assembled in Peru." What the fuck? Since when am I a product? A robot programmed to follow the societal norm? In fighting one norm as much as I could, I became another, and in forsaking that, I took up the prior again.
Where am I? What happened to that quintessential piece of eternity that is me? I keep searching, and all I find is plastic, and glass, and metal, and synthetic objects.
Did I ever exist? Was I ever given the chance to? Will I ever exist? I want to believe I will. But at this point, I don't know.
All these voices in my head keep telling me different things, pulling me different ways. Do this, do that. Go here, wait there. I'm either all action and no theory, or all theory, no action. Doing things without a reason, and thinking things without acting on them.
My mind is constant chaos. I can't stop the din. I want to rip it, cut it, burn it, out of me, whatever i can do. Yet I am still sitting here at my laptop, typing. It feels like earlier I still had the will to resist, the will to fight back, the will to take the less travelled path. But now I've just given up.
*Bitter laugh* That trait would seem to be a trend lately.
Because that's what happened the other night. I fought back, and when nothing came of it, I gave up. Again, like with my life, doesn't mean I liked it, or was happy with it. Doesn't mean I wanted it, or participated. I didn't just go along with it. But nonetheless, I forfeited. I guess I thought, if it's going to happen whether I fight back or not, why expend the energy? Maybe the alcohol had something to do with it. I think it did. I still fucking blame myself- I got hammered, I went with him, I didn't continue fighting back. I just keep thinking, if I hadn't drank so much, I would have continued fighting back. I wouldn't have freaked out and simply froze just because saying "no" and trying to push him off of me several times didn't work. I would have been stronger- not physically, but mentally. I keep thinking I deserved it. I fucking despise myself. I can't believe my brain just shut down like that. That I wasn't screaming at myself to DO something. No- I told myself to breathe. That was my great defense- dissociate, and keep breathing. Everything in my head had been too much, and I guess I just couldn't take anymore. It was one thing too many.
And the one person I had decided to tell... it's like he ripped out my heart and stomped on it, grinding it into the ground with his foot until it was indistinguishable from the earth. I can't even explain the hole in my chest right now. Thinking about it makes me want to throw up. I didn't even know how to react. I was in shock.
I keep wanting to scream, wanting to break down and cry. I want to physically hurt as much as I do emotionally. I want to sink into oblivion.
Maybe I do need a break. From everything. The past 24 hours, I keep thinking more and more about taking off for a semester (right now) and putting myself into a mental hospital. My brain is being invaded, crumbling, consumed with chaos. I can't explain how much I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I don't know what to think, I don't know what I want. I know what I want to want, I know what I should want.
All I can think about is just being held, so there will be somebody there with me when I finally fall apart, when I finally lose it. Because it feels like I'm just holding on long enough so that I'm not alone. So I can feel somebody there. Somebody who cares about me more than I do. Someone I can sink into, to lean against as I finally drown in the tears of my soul. I've felt so alone practically my whole life. I don't want to be alone when it all comes crashing down. That is my biggest fear.
That is what the little girl felt. Love. Pure, untainted, unconditional love. After never being good enough for anybody to care, never being touched by somebody, there was something, someone, there for her at the end. That's all I want.
I still don't think I'll ever get it.
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