Torn

I don't really know what to do about this anymore. I've spent the past couple of days thinking about it more and more, and I just really don't know what to do anymore.

Basically I'm talking about my relationship with David. I really love him. A lot. More than could ever be described. And there's so many components to that love. I love who he is as a person, I love how he makes me feel: just period and about myself, I love that he understands me in so many more ways than anybody else does, I love that I don't feel the need to hide myself when I'm around him. I trust him, I respect him. Even the things I don't necessarily like tend to fade into the things that I love: they're still there, but they are just more components of the guy I love. I really want to be with him. I want to move to Colorado with him. I'd like to take this as far as we can (while still being happy of course).

But...

I know that if I go up to Colorado, I'm going to expect it to end up in marriage. I know better- not meaning that it won't happen, but knowing that it could go either way. But I just feel like the relationship would sort of owe me if I up and left all the comforts I have now to go be with him. And really: I don't want to, or need to, be thinking about marriage right now. It's far too early. Yes, I consider this a serious relationship. Yes, it would be nice if we ended up there. But I have no guarantee of that. And from this last relationship, I know that you can love somebody a LOT and they can love you back, and you can try and try for something, but it doesn't mean that you get it automatically.

So yeah, ... did I mention that there's more???

So I know that I have this problem with staying committed. And I don't mean cheating. It just takes a certain kind of person for me to merit staying in a relationship for any period of time. And yeah, David is that kind of person. But... the situation that we're in right now is not the right kind for me at the moment. After just getting out of a serious relationship, some part of me wanted to just go on casual dates for a while, and not particularly get into a serious relationship, at least not right off the bat. However, that is what ended up happening. Now, this would have been different had David ended up moving down to Conway, or hell, even staying in Elkins. But he's not: he's going back up to Colorado. As much as I'm ready for a serious relationship with him, I don't think that I'm ready for a serious long-distance relationship. With anybody. Especially not for four months. I just don't think I could deal with it. And it has nothing to do with me having opportunities here or anything: but a long-distance relationship is trying enough as it is. I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. And throwing this in with it... I'm just going to be stressed.

I just don't want David to get the wrong idea. I want to be with him. I really really do. There's no denying that whatsoever. I want to move up to Colorado with him. I want all these things. And so much more. But circumstances just seem to continue to conspire against us. And I'm not saying I'm giving up. I don't want to. But in all truth... I think I need some time. Some time to think, to evaluate my situation.