Decisions...

Well, I need to make some. So here goes...

First off, I have to fucking try harder in school. I'm still sitting here skimming by. I have an A in oral comm, an A in intro to int des, B's in bio and art, and a C in psych. I need to keep my grades up so that I can keep my goddamn scholarship.

Meanwhile, if I lose it and can't get it back within one semester, I'm saying screw it and moving to CO. I'll get the degree later. Well, that is, if David still wants me up there.

Speaking of, I'm not going to let myself sit here and pine over David. I don't even think I was in the first place. I just... really wanted to be with him. And couldn't. But I wasn't really upset about that... it bugged me, but didn't bother me. I don't know how to explain it. But w/e. If we end up back together again, then we do, if we don't, then... we don't.

I'm also going to try to not let michael get to me anymore. Because really, I've been trying to deny things. I still love him. Always will. But I don't want to put up with his bullshit selfish immaturity, the pain, the paranoia, the unfulfilled expectations, the betrayal, the broken promises, the heartbreak. It's not worth it. There is somebody out there, actually a lot of people, that would treat me better than that. That wouldn't need 5, or 6, or 7 chances to prove that they cared. That wouldn't cause me to lose so many nights of sleep, to cry so much. Yeah, I wanted to be with him. And I still want to be with the guy that I thought he was, that he said he was. But he's not that person. I don't know that he ever will be. And that sucks, but I can't change it, and it's not my fault. If I wasn't good enough for him the way I was, or the way I am, then it wasn't meant to be.

And really, I don't need a guy. I shouldn't. I keep using relationships to justify my existence. I don't care about myself, so I always have to have someone around that does, if only to keep me from offing myself. Which is retarded. I don't need that. I'm better than that. It's just this low-ass self-esteem.

I'm not leading Jon on anymore. It was dumb to begin with, it's dumb now. I already told him I wasn't sleeping with him anymore, and I don't mind hanging out with him. I just really don't want or need a boyfriend right now. And I wouldn't want him as a boyfriend anyway. Nothing against him, but he's just not not what I'm looking for at the moment.

And I need to set Dylan straight. Again. I don't need to drag him into this. I'm not even leading him on, I'm just letting him follow his own feelings, his own assumptions, and not correcting him that I don't feel the same way.

And I need to stop hurting myself. In any way shape or form. Whether it's physical, mental/emotional, or putting myself out there for other people to hurt. This one's going to be the hardest.

I also need to stop spending so much money. Should probaby quit smoking, or at least cut back... yeah, cut back. Lol.

I'm going to try to write on here a lot more too. It's a good form of therapy. Self-mediated therapy.

But it really does suck that I don't get to see Dr. Fawcet again until the 7th. Ugh, whatever.

Anyway, I think that's it for now. We'll see how I'm doing later...

Adios.