fuck, FUCK, FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!

I don't know what to do. I don't even know that there is anything to do anything about. It's complete and total crap. I was NOT planning on this. Of course, what the hell do I expect.

David and I broke up. Well, technically we're on a hiatus- indefinite break. We still talk, still say we love each other. Apparently still have sex. And you know- it's sorta pissing me off. I want to be with him. Almost too much. I keep thinking about just up and leaving- driving to CO and picking him up on the way. But he'd be pissed (for certain reasons), and I would regret leaving this. This being- a (practically) free education, safety net, job, friends, and basically everything I've known. But I wouldn't regret leaving it to be with him. To get away. To get independent. To start over. And yes, to a lesser degree, to escape.

I know we talked about me getting my bachelor degree and then moving up there to try it again with him. But I can't help but feel that he'd have someone else by that time. Someone better than me. Not hard, considering I think everyone is better than me. But still... shit hurts. And I know we've gone over this before too, but I can't help but feel that I wasn't good enough to keep him. Not even necessarily to keep him here, but to keep him with me.

I've felt so alone lately. The four people I was closest to are/seem so far away. Carrie can't see me, Jesal's in Ohio, Michael's in Chicago, David's in OK, soon to be in CO if he has his way. And frankly, getting betrayed like that from Michael over and over and over still hurts. I may be over him, but I don't know that I'll ever get over that.

The words he said are still burned in my brain. I thought I had found someone. I never thought there would be anyone that wanted to marry me, and he said he wanted to. And I believed him. And I gave him chance after chance, and it still wasn't enough. I still wasn't enough. I actually had felt good about myself for once, and everything got ripped to shreds. I built up my wall better than ever before. And yet thinking about those messages, his betrayals, his broken promises, still tears me to pieces inside.

And now I wonder if I'll ever be good enough for anyone. Yeah, he says he'll stand beside me, but out of obligation or love? And if not, is our love enough to last 4 years of distance?

You know what? I'm numb too. I keep wanting something to happen so that I can test myself and whether I give a damn anymore or not, and something might have happened, and I still don't know. Frankly, I don't think I can do this. I'm not stable enough, or in the right position to. And that sorta kills me. But that also relieves me, because then I won't have to give a damn. I don't think I want to anymore, because it seems like everytime I do, shit just goes from bad to worse. but w/e.

i'm done.