save me from myself

i feel as if i am falling into this hole in my mind, and im being pushed- but i am the one pushing myself. there is so much going on, but i am the one causing all of it. i know i could stop if i wanted to, but in a way, i dont. i have lived so long with these "problems" i really dont know how to function without them. today, for instance, i actually ate and kept down about 800-850 cals (talking about my anorexia) and i feel the need to eat just so i can throw up (now going over to bulimia) just to make myself feel better. actually, tho, i think i got those all out- i exercised a ton today- my hands are shaking as i am typing right now. i haven't cut for so long, but i rubbed a knife across my skin last night, and the night before that, and the night before that, ... never leaving a mark, but i just had to. i smoked again, surprisingly i didn't do anything on 4:20. that was a little weird. i am REALLY tempted to start up some of those old again. i am depressed ALL the time, i just never notice it until it is either extremely quiet or extremely loud. i am always at extremes, but i think that the ecstatically happy is more of a way to hide the extremely depressed. i am paranoid a lot too. i always feel like somebody is watching me. like they are going to make a "mistake" that will tip the world and mess up everything. i break down crying every single night, for some weird demented reason or another. last night it was bc of a joke i read on the internet- a really funny one too, but i ended up crying...
there is just so much going on with me, i really dont know why i even try any more. i thought it was bad before this... nothing has compared to lately. i think that there are 4 things that would make it better, or 5, but we will have to see... i doubt they will come true, and im not going to say them on here, and if you read this, dont ask- i more than likely wont tell you.
now for an extremely depressing poem, like always-

Standing in Line

In my mind's eye
insane words fly
given wings by
contriversy and a way
to the gates of Hell
barred to those of
worthy will to those
who weepingly laugh
at turning off the dark
whose whispered words have
long-since been swept away
by the wind and whose
written words have turned to dust.

©Julie Pyle, 2005

anyway, that's it- hope you enjoyed.

"parting is such sorrow
that i will say goodnight
til it be morrow"