Freedom (A Compilation)

Really, this would apply to three blogs: ds, cfm, and mt, but to simplify it, I'm going to put it on here.

I've made some big steps the past couple of months. And it all culminated today. And I feel so much better.

I had an agreement with Michael, when he first left for Chicago, that we weren't going to get into anything serious with anybody until he came back down, permanently, and we could try it one more time. It was a sad attempt to hold onto something I never had: the Michael that I fell in love with. That Michael exists only in my mind, and I could never really reconcile my Michael with the one that existed in the real world. My Michael was perfect: way too good for me. The reason he went behind my back all the time was because I wasn't good enough, and he knew it. It was this Michael, the one I was unbelievably lucky to have, that I kept looking for, waiting for. Thinking, if I put up with this a little longer, another time, I will have the Michael I want. And it was killing me inside. Because I kept blaming myself for why things went wrong with him, when in reality, I didn't do anything wrong.

But it was so hard to stop hurting: I could never really believe that he had screwed things up for us as long as I still had a low self-image: the way my brain was working, and the reasons that existed therein, did not allow me to lay blame where it should rest, because we couldn't both be responsible: not with how things were. He couldn't be perfect and be the reason why it didn't work. I couldn't be unworthy and not be to blame.

And I knew this was wrong: so I told him I needed to think about it. And once I had, I broke off the agreement. It was retarded. But still, part of me hoped.

I had gotten comfortable with Michael, and the only way I ever loved him was falling head over heels in love with him. I didn't know what to do with these leftover feelings of love. I couldn't stand to be in a relationship with him again, plus, I was interested in Jon. I didn't want to put him through that either. Yet still, I hoped that he would somehow magically be my Michael.

And it was with these hopes, though much lower expectations, that I saw Michael. And found out I was all wrong. Things seemed off: little things that kept adding up. I really couldn't bear it anymore, and I wanted to find out one way or another, because it was killing me. I looked at his text messages. I hated resorting to such low means, but if I didn't find out (and you can bet he wasn't telling me anything), I was going to drive myself crazier than I already am. And there they were: girls upon girls during the time of the "agreement," that he had tried to get with, while all the time he had been telling me I was the only one for him. Nothing had changed. Of course. What did I expect?

I gave him opportunities, asked him questions, so many chances to own up to it. He denied it all. Until... "If you're so convinced you haven't been trying to get with other girls, why don't you look at your text outbox, and tell me you aren't lying then." He didn't say a word. Then he tried to weasel his way out of it. "I just told them I wanted to hang out." "There are girls there that look nice and I said so." "I was trying to find out if I could get with them: I wasn't planning on doing it." And I was tired of it. So I left.

I needed to get out, get away. I wanted to drink, or get high, or do something, and I definitely needed someone to talk to. So I went to Jon's house. I got high, and ate a ton of fudge, and then I told Jon everything. It was so fucking frustrating, and I was so hurt. I don't know why I was surprised, or if I even WAS surprised. It sucked.

I woke up at one point, and was watching him sleep by the light of the muted tv. Jon's been there for me. He's put up with all my bullshit. He cares about me. And he would (I'm pretty sure) never hurt me and betray me the way Michael did. And then I remembered this one time I had a breakdown- one of those weird mood swings that happens for no reason at all, and I go from baseline to suicidal in 2.8 seconds- and Jon was trying so hard to get me to tell him what was wrong. He was asking what he could do, and saying how he hated seeing me like this, saying I could talk to him, tell him what was going on. Then he said "You mean the world to me." Whether he meant that or not, I knew I meant something to him. Jon cares about me. A lot. "More than I should." And at one point, Michael cared about me. Still does. Admittedly, he obviously cared about himself more, but he didn't do any of the stuff he did in order to hurt me. But more importantly, I figured out that I love Jon. As a friend, of course. Romantically: not quite there, at least, not yet. That depends on how things go, as well as being another story entirely. But basically, I was able to see that I could love Michael a different way. Love him because I knew him, inside and out. Because I was comfortable with him. Because he has helped me in many ways, some even springing from times he hurt me. And things started to make sense.

I was able to forgive Michael through this. And in forgiving him, I was admitting that HE screwed up, and it wasn't my fault. And then I was able to forgive myself for blaming myself for it all. So I went and saw Michael today. And things were good. I told him all of this, plus some more. I said I was done with the lies. I would be his friend, but the lies would drive me away. They don't get you anywhere, and I've had enough lies for a million lifetimes.

But I felt so liberated. It was like there was a ton that was taken off of my heart, and a hole filled that had been aching for over a year. And I felt so much better. I'll finally be able to move on.

What a nice day to start over: Christmas. Now I can truly enjoy it.

Thankyou Jon: screw the fudge. You already gave me a much better present, even if you didn't know it.