Blooming

So I opened up to Jon today. Quite a bit. I didn't say any of it: I didn't have the strength to do that. But I did write: a significant amount, might I add. I always feel like I express myself better in writing.

I told him about the war between Jennifer and Julie. About my insecurities. The emptiness I've been feeling. How that emptiness is why I had sex with him. How being around him has been like a breath of fresh air. How I have been feeling things around him. Hell: even boredom has been nice. But it's been better.

I still feel bad about the whole David thing though. I guess I was right: I'm not going to think about him in the romantic sense because there is no reason to. Yeah: it's be nice. But it's also not happening. Don't cry over spilled milk. Especially when you have another carton in the dorm diagonally from yours. Lol.

I dunno though: I'm not completely sure I want to get involved with Jon. It's mainly those insecurities again. There's nothing in particular that I find wrong with him per se. I mean, yeah, the whole being a pushover thing is a bit annoying, as is the random dancing. But who doesn't have their annoying traits? Michael's was touchiness, David's was liking ICP. It happens. And he really is sweet. I dunno: maybe it's cuz all the guys I have dated have tended toward the asshole side. They could be sweet, but they weren't on a regular basis. I guess I got used to being the girlfriend that could be (and was most of the time) "one of the guys."

But I'm starting to think that it is too much at once. Like, David and I break up, and then Michael and I got together, and got serious, fairly soon afterward. Then, just as Michael and I are falling to pieces, David comes back into the picture, and I think I'm going to move up to CO with him, then we break up, and Jon comes into the picture. Then I think I'm pregnant with David's baby, and Jon and I sorta get pseudo-serious, then I figure out I'm not pregnant, and I open up to Jon after two decisions to take a break. Yeah: I know this spans 3 years, but still. That's a lot. Especially for me, relationship-wise. There's normally more fodder between the relationships I care about.

But yeah... lovely, isn't it? In any case, I guess we'll see what happens.