Friday Night

Jon and I rolled. It was fucking amazing. The honesty, the openness, the lack of inhibitions, how we were on the same level mentally, and connecting on EVERY level possible.

We both opened up a lot. He told me things that he has never told anyone else, and I answered every question that he asked. And all I could think about all night was how in love with him I am.

But some stuff came up that I didn't like. Just bits and pieces, but one in particular that is getting to me.

Sophie Bergaust. She was a foreign exchange student he used to like, and ended up hooking up with. He gave me details I didn't really want to know, but... I don't know. He said it was the type of thing where there would always be a spark there. And she's coming to visit soon, and wants to see him. He wants me to meet her. I trust him, but it scares me. He told me about the spark while we were in the middle of rolling, so I trust that more than anything, and even though I know how in love we are, it's just that everything with Michael just fucked me up so badly, and I have never, NEVER, been as in love, as vulnerable, and as trusting as I am towards Jon, that any betrayal would just kill me inside. And the fear of that betrayal... I would do nearly anything to try to ensure that nothing happened. For some reason, Kristin doesn't bug me anymore... it's just Sophie. Just the fact that he said there would always be a spark there... I gave Jon my heart a long time ago, before he ever knew I think. And when he said that, it's like he dropped it, and yes, he picked it back up, but there's a bruise there now, that hurts any time I think about it.

I don't know what to do. I am not going to be the girlfriend that forbids her guy from seeing someone because she's paranoid. If it were really that bad off, I would just break up with him. Plus, Jon hasn't done anything wrong. Michael is the reason I feel this way. And it's his fault that I can't sit here and be perfectly happy with this guy that is more than I ever wanted, and so ridiculously perfect in my eyes. But I'm still the one that can't get over it. Yes, I know Jon isn't Michael. I know Jon hasn't done any of the stuff Michael did. But Michael hurt me so much by what he did, and Jon means so much more than Michael ever did... And I just don't think I could take it.

Sometimes I wish Jon and I had never gotten close... because I am afraid that if my heart gets broken on this one, there won't be any fixing it.

Overall it was a great experience, but that was the one thing I could have done without. We got rained out that night, and had to leave. But I feel like we understand each other on a whole different level now. I know I make him uneasy with David, so I guess we're technically "even," but really, that doesn't mean shit. All I know is that I'm scared to death of being hurt. But right now i'm more scared of losing him.