More Crap...

I hate to do another post on relationship stuff... but whatever.

So I've been trying to stress the importance of communication and opening up to Jon lately. I think I got through to him more on Saturday night to where everything sorta clicked.

I talked to him sometime earlier last week about it. I basically said a lot of concerns that have been on my mind lately. Just that where we are right now is not conducive to a satisfying long-distance relationship. That if we weren't "in love" and communicating, i.e., opening up, by the time he left, it would fall to pieces. He said it was hard for him to do so: he's tried to with Sara (Sarah?), and she basically ruined that. So he locked everything up.

I know how hard it is to open up. Admittedly (and I'm just guessing), I probably have a lot more to open up about, as well as my insides being a lot more fucked up than his. But still. I guess I've just felt a lot more invested in this relationship than he has been. I say this only because I've been willing to open up, and I wanted to keep it going after he left, whereas he hasn't opened up, and broke up with me because he thought he might be leaving. It's been really frustrating, and several times I've been tempted to simply give up.

One way communication is extremely annoying. And I guess I mean that in this way: when you open up to someone, you're showing that you trust them on the most intimate level- with yourself. And yes, I get that Jon trusts me: to pay him back, to not cheat on him, etc. But that's external trust, and not nearly as magnanimous as trusting me with pieces of himself. That's the ultimate trust. I trust him that way, and who knows? He might trust me that way too, but I wasn't really seeing it.

At least, not until Saturday. I talked to him again about it that night. I was tired, and upset, and not feeling well, so I don't remember exactly what I said, but I do remember what he said, all of which was very comforting and reassuring. He's willing to do anything to work on it, and that I drove him crazy, but he "thinks" he's in love with me. I had to bug him about that. And even then, when I was like, "So, you think, huh?" And he was like "Mebbe..." I don't know... It would be nice to hear a concrete declaration, but whatever. I know what he meant.

And then we had a talk about sex, which was followed by awesome sex. Lol. Speaking of, I'm getting on the pill. I'm so tired of having all these stupid scares. So, the pill it is.

Anyway: so today, made more progress on the communication front as well. We're keeping two notebooks, so that we each have one to write in every day, whether it's stupid shit or deep stuff. We'll switch them out every week or two while he's here, and every time we see each other after he leaves. Which I really don't want to think about anymore. But whatever.

I had several nosebleeds today. The first time, I was reading, and was getting sleepy/light-headed. Ended up falling asleep/passing out (don't really know which), and apparently my nose started bleeding. Jon was studying in the laundry room to try and make sure his clothes didn't get hijacked again, and came in. He was going to kiss me, but freaked out when he saw the blood. Understandable. It happened a couple more times for the next 1.5 hours, which sorta sucked. (The nosebleeding part, not the passing out). But yeah: very much in the suck-y-ness.

I have on this old outfit again. I used to wear it to bed all the time, and I'm going to wear part of it tomorrow, I think. Right now, it's just jazz pant, with this oriental looking baby-doll top, and a red-orange hip-length kimono. I also have my hair back in red-orange chopsticks, and my antique-looking gold and red-orange earrings in. It's nice. Jon liked it a lot too. For some reason, hearing him compliment me in this really made me feel good about myself. More so than any other time he has complimented me. And I really like being complimented by him: no matter what I'm wearing. I remember stupid shit with Michael where he was always trying to get me to dress more edgy. Black, red, cargo pants, tripp pants, combat boots, gauntlets, dark make-up. He was so superficial. Like I didn't look good in anything else. But with Jon, I just feel better about myself in general: I've gotten complimented in my bohemian garb, goth ensembles, punk outfits, preppy clothes, formalwear, oriental style, and even just a tank top or t-shirt and jeans. And it's nice to hear stuff like that. I think I might even be starting to believe him.

Anyway: I just got off of the phone with him. I like hearing him say good night, though I wish I could be laying next to him when he does so. He said he sleeps better with me- I think I'm the same way. It's going to suck when he leaves.

But enough of that: he might be spending the night tomorrow, so no worries.

By the way Jon: I am in love with you. No "thinking" or "maybe"s about it.