Reassurance

I feel like the relationship is doomed to crash and burn. I just... I don't know. We've already been through quite a bit, and I'm afraid that it's just the beginning. I just felt that with the communication problems and the whole "love vs. in love" thing, not to mention the fact that Jon's original idea was just to give up... maybe we should do that.

I don't really think that I deserve him anyway. After all the shit I pulled last semester, and just how screwed up I am... maybe he deserves better.

I tried to call Michael, to get reassurance that it wasn't my fault. I tried to call Jesal, Jenni, Matt, etc. Nobody answered. Jon said to call him or go over if I couldn't sleep, but I don't want to bother him. And I'm not saying I expect it to end up in marriage or anything, because that's not where my mind is at right now. But I just don't want to be putting myself and/or Jon through any more than what we need. I love him so much, and having any kind of significant relationship with him for any amount of time would be fine with me. I'm not saying that if it doesn't end up in marriage that the relationship was a waste of time or anything, just the fact that if it ends up being harder and more tumultuous than it is happy and fulfilling, then it will be a waste.

I don't know: I'm probably wrong. I think I'm just spazzing because my relationship (at least after the first 6 months) with Michael was a waste. I spent the whole time worried that he was talking to girls behind my back again, fighting with him, taking his bullshit about how it was my fault. And it just made me so much more depressed than I already had been. I don't want to go through that again. Not that I'm saying that Jon is going to do those things. But just the idea of being in a relationship that doesn't make me happy anymore.

I'm scared of getting my heart broken for nothing again. If it's a great relationship that helps me to grow, and he makes me happy during that time, but it just wasn't meant to work out- either because of the circumstances, or because we're just not compatible that way- that will be fine. I can handle that.

I don't know... and I guess I won't until we try it out. I'm not doubting my decision, I just hope it was the right one, and dread the consequences if it wasn't.