Friday Night

Jon and I rolled. It was fucking amazing. The honesty, the openness, the lack of inhibitions, how we were on the same level mentally, and connecting on EVERY level possible.

We both opened up a lot. He told me things that he has never told anyone else, and I answered every question that he asked. And all I could think about all night was how in love with him I am.

But some stuff came up that I didn't like. Just bits and pieces, but one in particular that is getting to me.

Sophie Bergaust. She was a foreign exchange student he used to like, and ended up hooking up with. He gave me details I didn't really want to know, but... I don't know. He said it was the type of thing where there would always be a spark there. And she's coming to visit soon, and wants to see him. He wants me to meet her. I trust him, but it scares me. He told me about the spark while we were in the middle of rolling, so I trust that more than anything, and even though I know how in love we are, it's just that everything with Michael just fucked me up so badly, and I have never, NEVER, been as in love, as vulnerable, and as trusting as I am towards Jon, that any betrayal would just kill me inside. And the fear of that betrayal... I would do nearly anything to try to ensure that nothing happened. For some reason, Kristin doesn't bug me anymore... it's just Sophie. Just the fact that he said there would always be a spark there... I gave Jon my heart a long time ago, before he ever knew I think. And when he said that, it's like he dropped it, and yes, he picked it back up, but there's a bruise there now, that hurts any time I think about it.

I don't know what to do. I am not going to be the girlfriend that forbids her guy from seeing someone because she's paranoid. If it were really that bad off, I would just break up with him. Plus, Jon hasn't done anything wrong. Michael is the reason I feel this way. And it's his fault that I can't sit here and be perfectly happy with this guy that is more than I ever wanted, and so ridiculously perfect in my eyes. But I'm still the one that can't get over it. Yes, I know Jon isn't Michael. I know Jon hasn't done any of the stuff Michael did. But Michael hurt me so much by what he did, and Jon means so much more than Michael ever did... And I just don't think I could take it.

Sometimes I wish Jon and I had never gotten close... because I am afraid that if my heart gets broken on this one, there won't be any fixing it.

Overall it was a great experience, but that was the one thing I could have done without. We got rained out that night, and had to leave. But I feel like we understand each other on a whole different level now. I know I make him uneasy with David, so I guess we're technically "even," but really, that doesn't mean shit. All I know is that I'm scared to death of being hurt. But right now i'm more scared of losing him.

More Crap...

I hate to do another post on relationship stuff... but whatever.

So I've been trying to stress the importance of communication and opening up to Jon lately. I think I got through to him more on Saturday night to where everything sorta clicked.

I talked to him sometime earlier last week about it. I basically said a lot of concerns that have been on my mind lately. Just that where we are right now is not conducive to a satisfying long-distance relationship. That if we weren't "in love" and communicating, i.e., opening up, by the time he left, it would fall to pieces. He said it was hard for him to do so: he's tried to with Sara (Sarah?), and she basically ruined that. So he locked everything up.

I know how hard it is to open up. Admittedly (and I'm just guessing), I probably have a lot more to open up about, as well as my insides being a lot more fucked up than his. But still. I guess I've just felt a lot more invested in this relationship than he has been. I say this only because I've been willing to open up, and I wanted to keep it going after he left, whereas he hasn't opened up, and broke up with me because he thought he might be leaving. It's been really frustrating, and several times I've been tempted to simply give up.

One way communication is extremely annoying. And I guess I mean that in this way: when you open up to someone, you're showing that you trust them on the most intimate level- with yourself. And yes, I get that Jon trusts me: to pay him back, to not cheat on him, etc. But that's external trust, and not nearly as magnanimous as trusting me with pieces of himself. That's the ultimate trust. I trust him that way, and who knows? He might trust me that way too, but I wasn't really seeing it.

At least, not until Saturday. I talked to him again about it that night. I was tired, and upset, and not feeling well, so I don't remember exactly what I said, but I do remember what he said, all of which was very comforting and reassuring. He's willing to do anything to work on it, and that I drove him crazy, but he "thinks" he's in love with me. I had to bug him about that. And even then, when I was like, "So, you think, huh?" And he was like "Mebbe..." I don't know... It would be nice to hear a concrete declaration, but whatever. I know what he meant.

And then we had a talk about sex, which was followed by awesome sex. Lol. Speaking of, I'm getting on the pill. I'm so tired of having all these stupid scares. So, the pill it is.

Anyway: so today, made more progress on the communication front as well. We're keeping two notebooks, so that we each have one to write in every day, whether it's stupid shit or deep stuff. We'll switch them out every week or two while he's here, and every time we see each other after he leaves. Which I really don't want to think about anymore. But whatever.

I had several nosebleeds today. The first time, I was reading, and was getting sleepy/light-headed. Ended up falling asleep/passing out (don't really know which), and apparently my nose started bleeding. Jon was studying in the laundry room to try and make sure his clothes didn't get hijacked again, and came in. He was going to kiss me, but freaked out when he saw the blood. Understandable. It happened a couple more times for the next 1.5 hours, which sorta sucked. (The nosebleeding part, not the passing out). But yeah: very much in the suck-y-ness.

I have on this old outfit again. I used to wear it to bed all the time, and I'm going to wear part of it tomorrow, I think. Right now, it's just jazz pant, with this oriental looking baby-doll top, and a red-orange hip-length kimono. I also have my hair back in red-orange chopsticks, and my antique-looking gold and red-orange earrings in. It's nice. Jon liked it a lot too. For some reason, hearing him compliment me in this really made me feel good about myself. More so than any other time he has complimented me. And I really like being complimented by him: no matter what I'm wearing. I remember stupid shit with Michael where he was always trying to get me to dress more edgy. Black, red, cargo pants, tripp pants, combat boots, gauntlets, dark make-up. He was so superficial. Like I didn't look good in anything else. But with Jon, I just feel better about myself in general: I've gotten complimented in my bohemian garb, goth ensembles, punk outfits, preppy clothes, formalwear, oriental style, and even just a tank top or t-shirt and jeans. And it's nice to hear stuff like that. I think I might even be starting to believe him.

Anyway: I just got off of the phone with him. I like hearing him say good night, though I wish I could be laying next to him when he does so. He said he sleeps better with me- I think I'm the same way. It's going to suck when he leaves.

But enough of that: he might be spending the night tomorrow, so no worries.

By the way Jon: I am in love with you. No "thinking" or "maybe"s about it.

Reassurance

I feel like the relationship is doomed to crash and burn. I just... I don't know. We've already been through quite a bit, and I'm afraid that it's just the beginning. I just felt that with the communication problems and the whole "love vs. in love" thing, not to mention the fact that Jon's original idea was just to give up... maybe we should do that.

I don't really think that I deserve him anyway. After all the shit I pulled last semester, and just how screwed up I am... maybe he deserves better.

I tried to call Michael, to get reassurance that it wasn't my fault. I tried to call Jesal, Jenni, Matt, etc. Nobody answered. Jon said to call him or go over if I couldn't sleep, but I don't want to bother him. And I'm not saying I expect it to end up in marriage or anything, because that's not where my mind is at right now. But I just don't want to be putting myself and/or Jon through any more than what we need. I love him so much, and having any kind of significant relationship with him for any amount of time would be fine with me. I'm not saying that if it doesn't end up in marriage that the relationship was a waste of time or anything, just the fact that if it ends up being harder and more tumultuous than it is happy and fulfilling, then it will be a waste.

I don't know: I'm probably wrong. I think I'm just spazzing because my relationship (at least after the first 6 months) with Michael was a waste. I spent the whole time worried that he was talking to girls behind my back again, fighting with him, taking his bullshit about how it was my fault. And it just made me so much more depressed than I already had been. I don't want to go through that again. Not that I'm saying that Jon is going to do those things. But just the idea of being in a relationship that doesn't make me happy anymore.

I'm scared of getting my heart broken for nothing again. If it's a great relationship that helps me to grow, and he makes me happy during that time, but it just wasn't meant to work out- either because of the circumstances, or because we're just not compatible that way- that will be fine. I can handle that.

I don't know... and I guess I won't until we try it out. I'm not doubting my decision, I just hope it was the right one, and dread the consequences if it wasn't.

Fuckety-Fucky-Fuck Fuckers

I've cheated. So many times in the past. I don't even want to mention all the times. And I had the chance to do so again this morning. A part of me, the insecure part, wanted to. I wanted to feel something again. I dunno, I guess I've just been so afraid these past weeks, knowing that Jon's leaving, and that he could do any amount of things behind my back. Part of me wanted to know that I could get someone else if he fell through. Part of me wanted to feel wanted. Part of me wanted to hurt him before he hurt me. And part of me just wanted to get so lost in the sex that I would forget all this.

I didn't do anything. I didn't even let him kiss me. He tried kissing my shoulder even, and still I said no. Because in the end, all I could think about was Jon, and how much it would hurt him. How he has said time and time again that he trusts me. And I want so desperately to be worthy of that trust. And I was.

I was so proud of myself. At first. And then I started thinking: if I'm like this while he's still here, what's going to happen once he leaves? Will it get worse? Will I go too far, and screw this up? Will everything we have gone through have been for nothing?

It scares me. Because when I get numb, or insecure, I get unpredictable. I start taking self-destructive measures to try to fix things in my head. Whether it is cutting, burning, driving recklessly, drugs, sex. It happens. I will do almost anything to get the feelings back. And it sucks.

But you know what else? I love Jon. Plain and simple. And I don't want him to get hurt by my actions. I don't want to ruin this before we even get the chance to see how far we can take it. I don't want everything we've been through to be for nothing. And I don't want to hurt him.

So yeah: I'm still scared. But I'm not really worried about it. If Jon trusts me, and I trust him, then I guess we're good to go.

burritos, cheetos, and "i wanna eat those"

pop-tart pot-part

Wistful

I don't know where the fuck to start... Shit: whatever: this is going to be out of order, but I really don't give a damn.

I have a picture I drew back in ninth grade, and it has a tree, with a ton of roots, and a girl next to it, and a doll hanging from one of it's branches. The tree's leaves are painted in my blood. I know: whatever, I don't care.

I showed it to Jon and told him "That's my blood." And he sorta spazzed. Said he was about to faint, practically threw it down, and said "Don't say stuff like that to me." I was hurt. I don't really know how to explain it. I wanted to get into detail with him. Tell him I had started cutting myself on the bus, and was basically tracing the veins on my left wrist/hand with the razor. That I was inspired (in a twisted way), went home, drew the tree, opened up the scabs, and dipped a paintbrush into my veins to paint the leaves. But I couldn't, because he couldn't take it. And it makes me wonder how well he's taking the rest of the shit that comes with being with me, or even if he can take everything that makes up this being that is "me." It feels like he wants me to open up to him, but only so much. Like he jumped into water that was deeper than he thought. Now I'm scared to tell him anything, for fear that it will be too much. He said I wasn't going to scare him away, but there's so much he doesn't know, and I don't know how all of that is going to affect him. Like when I told him about the different personas, and it seemed like he didn't know how to react. Not that I expected him to, but... it's difficult.

I've cut patches in my skin so much, so close together, it seemed it was more wound than flesh. I've almost killed myself without meaning to by slipping a razor in so deep I broke through veins, and just let the blood drip down my arm, not caring when it stopped. I've been able to count my ribs while standing, just by looking at them. My stomach used to be such a deep depression when I laid down, and I sorta miss that. I used to make myself throw up until I saw blood. I'd hold a safety pin over a lighter until it turned white hot, then press it to my skin and watch my flesh melt. I'd rip my fingernails apart til they bled, and picked at my face until the whole thing was red. I've bloodied my lips by biting at them countless times, and picked scabs off until they scarred. There is so much shit I've done to myself physically, let alone mentally. I don't say this to gross him out, or scare him. But that was a big part of who I was, and who I was and who I am are things I want to share with him. But now I don't know if it would really be best to tell him.

And I feel like he isn't opening up to me. He says he's opened up to me more than anyone else, but I'm not really seeing it. I can see that maybe he's more himself around me than other people, but as far as opening up goes: not really. I mean, I'm not expecting him to tell me something horrifying or bizarre: not everyone has secrets as twisted as mine (not saying mine are the most twisted out there), but I haven't (that I know of) had him tell me something personal, other than he loves me. And even then: he loves me but isn't "in" love with me. Which I understand. I think I'm sorta inbetween right now. But, whatever. I just don't see what he's talking about, and if he has, and I just missed it, I'm sorry. But I've been giving him pieces of me.

Speaking of pieces: it seems like he wants pieces, but can't really handle the big ones. Like sometimes I'll give him a chunk that is more than he can carry, so it gets shoved back in my face. I don't know... I'm so scatter-brained right now.

And a while back he said he felt like he was trying too hard: like, he was asking me what was wrong in vain. He wasn't. It helps so much to have him there, and to know that he cares, and wants to help. If he could just be a little more patient, I know I could open up to him. I have so much... but with the whole blood thing... I don't know anymore: I want to, but I don't want to give him too much.

[Jennifer]: Told you that you were too fucked up. You don't deserve him one bit. Stop fucking whining, and just go to sleep. While you're at it, don't wake up.

I don't want him to stop asking what's wrong, I don't want him to get overwhelmed. I don't know what to do.

Just... well... fuck... I give up.

For now...