Comparisons

I do still love David. I always will. I would go with him if I could, be with him if I could. But it would seem that is not a possibility, let alone a probability.

I waited. I tried. I'm sorry. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of not knowing. I know you said to never doubt it, as I have said to you, but it's difficult when things are like this. I would gladly take the chance if it was there, but apparently it isn't, despite your words. Maybe this is what you wanted. Maybe this is why you haven't replied. Maybe you don't want me anymore, or you want me to move on. I just wish that whatever the reason was, you could have told me. I could have stood straight up rejection rather than this wondering, this lack of knowledge. It hurts not knowing, being in the dark. Sitting here wondering if everything was a lie. I'm tired of it. If you wanted to break my heart again: congratulations. I commend you.

I don't know why I keep going with Michael. I keep indulging myself, imagining it would work out. I would not try again with him: I hope. I've been hurt too much by him. Betrayed too often. If I was his world, none of this would have happened. The thought of hurting me, of doing anything that could end up in that, would have killed him. And after the first time my heart broke, he would have seen and stopped. But he was too in love with himself. If he loved me more, he would have endured the pain, and broken up with me for my own good, if he thought he was going to hurt me again. Parts of me are still broken inside.

And Jon... It's confusing all over again. He sent me a message yesterday, saying he didn't want to fool around anymore bc he knew I was still in love with David, and he couldn't take not being the only one. It hurt. I went outside, chain-smoked, and cried. That surprised me. If I wasn't being so blind, I would've seen that I'm attracted to him. But it's so little in comparison with how I feel about David, and how I feel about the Michael I thought I was with. But it's still there. And it's still a significant amount. I'm not in love with him or anything, but I do care about him, and it killed me that I was causing him pain. I would do anything to take that back. But I can't deny it: I still love David. And if I thought there was a chance, I would allow myself to be in love with him again. But this seems like a replay of high school: he's forgotten about me, (or at least forgotten to communicate), and so I'm slowly shutting that door again. If there was a chance, or if I felt like there was one, I'd rip the door down and burn all the walls to the ground. But without a reply...

But I'm so broken inside. I don't feel like there's anything left to give anyone. I don't feel like there's anything left to sustain me. I'm trying, but it feels like all the guys that had a hand in breaking me are still holding the majority of the pieces. Like only they can put me back together.

But those are the old pieces: they're damaged, probably beyond repair. Lol: maybe I just need to give up and go get replacements.

I'm just feeling so worthless lately: again, it's the whole "I was never enough" feeling. I wasn't good enough to keep any of them. I wasn't enough for anyone to truly love. It hurts.

I wish I could drown out the pain, the numbness, the emptiness that reside in me. My head, heart, soul, are all so touch-and-go right now. I feel like at any moment, it could all fall away, and there would be nothing left but this shell that would slowly wither away to a handful of dust, dispersed by a breath of wind.

But nonexistence seems so pristinely exquisite right now. To cease to be, to cease to feel. To just stop.

A dreamless slumber from which I never have to awake. Better than bliss.