Thanks to a friend...
her: u can't dissappear! I'll MISS U JULIE!!!!! ♥!!!!
me: Lol: I'm thinking about disappearing because I need to get away. I've been really depressed and really stressed out here, and it hasn't just been lately. I need a change. Everything in my life has been so meticulously planned out, and none of it pans out the way it was intended to. I end up frustrated and disappointed, and I need some spontaneity. I have a chance for that. I'll keep in touch, but I just won't physically be in AR anymore. I'll miss you too.
me: PS: it hasn't even been completely decided yet, it's just a possibility.
her: yea i kno wut u mean. i wanna run away too. im kinda jealous cuz my sister just left ab a half hour ago n prob wont be home 4 a few hours. idk it just sux there's so much abuse in this house and im sick and tired of acting like it doesnt exist i just wanna go somewhere w/ a normal functional family ya kno?
accept idk wut u mean ab stuff being so maticulosly planned out cuz w. me its just the opposite. my mom says she cares half the time then the other half acts like she doesnt give a damn. but i mean was it like ur parents made all these plans 4 u or u just had all these plans and decisions and now they're not working?
mayb it's God's/fate's *depending on wut u belive* way of telling u it wasnt ment 2 b or wasnt rite 4 u?
spontinaity is always good just be safe I dont want nething to happen 2 u Julie! And most importantly:
TAKE ME WITH YOU BEFORE I DIE!!!! haha jk jk i shuld still b here wen u get back unless my mother has shipped me somewhere.
do wut makes u happy and safe and is logical nothing like not finishing skool or nething like that.
how long r u leaving me and do u kno where ur gonna go?SAFE!!!
me: it's like my parents made the plans, and i just blindly accepted them. it's the expected things to do: graduate from high school, go to college, start a career, get married, have kids, retire, die. it's so blase though. that's not what i want. i want adventure, excitement. fun. i'm tired of planning and having shit turn out differently. if i don't plan, then no expectations, then how can i say i was let down?
only issue is, i don't know if or when i would be coming back. david (the new bf) is going back to colorado, where he could get a job lined up, and wants to work for about 6 months to a year, save up money, and go to europe for a couple of months. he plans on doing it for a while, then coming back, and going to college, and doing all that stuff. i guess it's the whole live while you can. i want the chance to be crazy and travel, and i can settle down later. david is the only one i trust enough to do this with. he didn't even ask me to do it: he said he'd do it, then come back, and his feelings would never change (concerning me), and he wasn't abandoning me, but this was something he needed to do. Which i understand. and it's weird, cuz the other day i was talking to one of my friends, and suddenly realized that the only reason i'm going to college now is because "that's the way it is." that's what happens 99% of the time. but i'm not the general population, i'm me. and i want to go with him.
and it's not just to be with him. it's to get away, to explore, to live a little. lately i've felt like i'm playing all these roles: the good student, the nice daughter, the devoted musician, the perfect fiancee for michael. and none of those things were really me. david doesn't expect anything out of me: he wanted me to go to college cuz that's what he thought i wanted. but the only reason i would be doing it now is because it was "part of the plan."
i seem to have come to this conclusion that if i have the good grades, the nice bf/husband, the nice career, the nice house, that i will be happy. but none of this stuff brings you happiness. it's doing what you want to do when you want to do it and accepting reality how it is and just being content with that. there's no formula, no requirements. i was looking in all the wrong places for happiness. now i finally figured out what i want.
structure can be nice, but it's not necessarily for me. i have a wild streak. and yeah, the time is going to come when i want to settle down and have everything in my life planned out, but i want some adventure first. if i have that now, i'm going to feel stuck, and restless. i want to be able to appreciate that once it comes. everything in my life has been concrete plans, detailed blueprints. i'm tired of it.
i don't know how long i would be gone. i'm still not sure that i am going, but probably. it'd be a while. i might go with david, and end up quitting earlier than he does. i might go and decide to stay in whereever we're going. i know i want to go to peru for a bit. it's where i was born, and i'd like to find my birth mother. i've been to europe before, and david would like to go. it all depends.
but that's what i love about it: i don't know what could be coming around the corner. i have no freakin idea, and yet that takes such a load off of my shoulders. i'm always sitting here stressing, hoping that the work i'm doing will be enough to let the plan pan out as intended. i'm looking 15 years, 20 years, 30 years, down the road, trying to make sure i do everything noe to end up at the places i want to be then. and it's retarded: even if i did everything right, there's no guarantee that it would turn out "correctly," and i'd be frustrated. meanwhile, i might have missed a lot of good things- opportunities, people, places, etc- focusing on that future point that ended up never even coming into existence. what kind of life is that?
if i do make the decision to go with him, i'll have definitely thought it all through. i'm not doing this lightheartedly. i know that things could go bad, i know that i've got at least the makings of a comfortable life if i stay. but i'm not looking at comfort, or niceness. i'm looking for contentment, and if i can get it, happiness. i've been looking for, working for, the "good, sensible" stuff for too long. now i need what's right for me.
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I don't think I could explain it better.
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