Maybe he's right. I don't want to believe it, part of me doesn't. But after last night, after yesterday period, I can't help but thinking that maybe.... he's right.
Yesterday I went and hung out with Jon from White Hall. He goes to UCA (for now), and was showing me around campus, around Conway. And I had fun. I don't ever think under any circumstances I'd want to be in a relationship with him- it's weird enough I went out with his brother, and although he's cool to hang out with, I'd get bored with him, or frustrated, if it was anything other than a friendship. It takes a damn lot for me to stand someone for longer than 2 months. But it just made me realize that I wouldn't mind not being tied down for a while. I mean, after being with Michael for a year and a half, and then within a month, jumping into an already semi-serious relationship with David, I don't know. Because in all truth, being with David isn't one of those relationships I get into to fill the time, or rebound, or even one that might be a little serious, but I know isn't going to last. I really want to see where we can take this. I'd like to think it's going to last, but at the moment I'm not expecting anything. But that doesn't mean that I'm not willing to wait and see.
But maybe it is too early. Maybe I need some more time. In all truth, I think I would rather just stay with him now that it's already done. Maybe we did get a little caught up in the moment. Everything just seemed so unbelievably perfect for the first time that we were seeing each other again. It was so easy to say yes. And I don't regret it at all. But I think if he had waited, for instance until the next time we saw each other (hopefully this coming week), that I would have held off. I really dont know how to explain it, and I know he's going to be reading this at some point, and I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I do know one thing though. After my relationship with Michael, I'm not staying with anybody again if my whole heart isn't in it. And not just my heart, but my mind too. So at least he can (hopefully) rest assured that I know, and am okay with, what I'm doing.
As for eating... Unfortunately I see it being to easy to "not find the time" to do it during college. I'll just make excuses to myself: I'm too busy, i need to study, can get in extra work hours, do it later... and simply... not. Frankly, I still hate my body. I'm just not doing anything about it right now, because right now it would take effort. I'd have to make up excuses for my parents, and probably just avoid going into the kitchen ever. But at college, I'd have to make the effort to go get food.
As bad as it is, 89 lbs sounds really nice. And that part of my brain has convinced itself that I would stop there. I'm not planning on killing myself, just dropping about 25 lbs. I don't want to die. Just lose some weight. I've made it so that I think I can control it, but somewhere else, I also know that if I let it go that far, I won't be controlling shit.
Things are just majorly sucking right now. Really, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have David. I mean, I'd make it, but he definitely makes things easier.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment