Now...

I was so scared that I was getting my hopes up for nothing. That David would insist on us just being friends, either for his own personal reasons, because he thought he was holding me back, or because he didn't want to screw up our friendship, and this indescribable connection that we have.
So much for that fear. Now I just have to worry about the larger ones.
The whole, me getting my heart broken (again), me being alone, my hopes completely obliterated.
It just seems to me that the minute I get closer to what I want, I subconsciously try to screw it up. I go to lengths to find something, anything, that's wrong, and then blow it out of proportion. My mind stretches facts and fears so far to make me paranoid about one thing or another. I constantly question everything.
David said something interesting the other day though: he said one of the main reasons he hadn't gotten into a relationship in a while was because of lack of trust, yet that didn't even come into the picture with me. I was grateful, but I noticed the same thing on my side. Obviously not with the whole not being in a relationship for a while. But it's like I pick and choose the guys I'm going to be in a relationship with. Either I'm not going to give a crap what they do bc I really don't care that much about them, or else (at the time) I'd give anything to be with them, and to just have them be worthy of my trust. Love without trust just leads to torment. It sucks, but it's the truth, which I know better than ever after my relationship with Michael.
But it's not just a matter of love, or trust, or wanting it that will make a relationship work. If it were, I would have nothing to worry about now. It just seems that nothing ever goes right for me. I'm trying my best not to worry about it, and to just be content that I have David again: both as a friend and a boyfriend. And I am happy with that. But I can't help thinking about tomorrow. It's not in my nature to simply think about now. I've always been the type to plan in advance. And I guess I just feel like, if it's going to end, I want to be able to plan for that- as weird as that sounds. For instance, with a career: I always, ALWAYS, had a back-up plan for if my main choice fell through. I had a plan for if it fell through in college, or out in the workplace. But I don't want to think about this ending, so I don't think about it, and then I don't plan for it, but the fact that it ending is still a possibility makes me stress over the fact that I don't have a plan for it... And it's so confusing and frustrating.
I at least wish we were closer- like distance speaking. When I saw him a couple of days ago, ... I don't even know where to start. He made me so comfortable, so at ease, and it sorta scared me a bit. I became so aware of everything about myself, so self-conscious, but not in a bad way. It's like, for once, I was seeing myself through his eyes: perfectly flawed. I was suddenly aware of all the reasons why he loved me. All the reasons I had to give a damn about myself. It sucks, because I actually had that for a little while with Michael, but then stuff ended up getting shitty, and (apparently) everything was my goddamn fault, and I was never good enough. But lying there with David, it seemed like (as corny as it is), we were the only things that existed. I wasn't thinking about my weight, or my make-up, or how i looked. I wasn't thinking about my parents (except for trying to come up with excuses for me to stay longer). I wasn't thinking about school, or my job, or a career. I wasn't worried about gas money, or paying bills. None of it really mattered. I was just in the moment- just happy I could finally be with him again.
If I wasn't so "giddy" when I left, I would have freaking screamed. I did NOT want to go. He said a couple of times while I was there "I need to get my own place." At the same time, I was thinking 'yeah, and a lot of good that will do if i'm still at home.' I hate how my parents still try to keep me on this short leash. it's ridiculous: I'm 18, legally an adult. I'll be going off to college in exactly 6 weeks. And they're not going to have a say in what I do then. What difference does a measly six weeks make? And it sucks, because I'm sure I could find a place to stay for six weeks if they did decide to kick me out, and with the scholarship, I would only be needing about 200-300 dollars for this semester, which I've got, plus some. Plus quite a bit, actually. I wish they'd see that I'm grown up enough, mature enough, to make my own decisions, and deal with the aftermath.
Anyway, in other news. I'm totally blaming David for the fact that I haven't eaten much in the past 70 hours. Lol. I basically had lunch Thursday, nothing Thursday night, a glass of milk before I left for David's on Friday, a caramel frappaccino and a bag of hot fries Friday night, 2 red bulls Saturday afternoon, along with another Caramel frappaccino, and 8 chicken nuggets with bbq sauce from chik-fil-a. and then a glass of berry smoothie health crap last night, and i think maybe another glass of milk. and nothing this morning. it's all been beverages, (mainly caffeine), a tiny bit of junk food, and a tiny bit of protein.
But hey: my stomach looks good. Nice and flat....
Still not great though. I mean, I did feel sick all of yesterday. But mainly, I just feel thirsty: so I drink. Not really much in the hunger department. No tengo mucho hambre. I do not have much hunger. I can't really help it though.
I don't know: not much else going on. Just been reading. Which reminds me, need to get "The Garden" back from rusty, and on the next trip up, give David Slaughterhouse 5, and that.
And Dora's coming up on Friday!!! Yay!