For starters, I'm most definitely not pregnant. Thank god. As if I don't have enough stress.
My parents are being bitch-y about me going to Fayetteville. My dad seems to think that everything I do is based on guys, and he doesn't get that that's not how, or who, I am. I do things for myself: doing it for other people when there's no guarantee that they'll be there 10 years down the road is retarded. He doesn't get that the only reason that I was going to UCA was to get the hell away from him. And now, I am looking out for myself, and am willing to give up that independence that I so desperately crave to get the better education, and I find out that all he cares about is his money. I sit here, sacrificing independence, and a lot of luxuries I could have had at UCA, with the near full scholarship, and I get screwed over. Great.
Michael... *sigh* I don't know what to do with him. I still want to be friends, but it's like he keeps bringing up how much he misses me (in the gf capacity), and "just being able to lie there on the couch together," and how "we didn't have to do anything to be happy, we just were." It doesn't make sense: we weren't happy. There were constant fights, he claimed I was always nagging him, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I know we cared about each other, but it just wasn't working. And it feels like he won't let go. Not until he knows I have moved on. But what he doesn't get is that I HAVE moved on. You don't need to be in another relationship in order to move on. But what I don't have is closure, bc he keeps bringing up and holding onto the past. I only want the best for him, and in all truth, I don't think I'm it. Caring about each other doesn't make up for our differences, or anything else. All it does is complicates things. I wish he could see that. I wish he would stop thinking about me like that. In my foreseeable future, I really don't see myself getting back together with him. Who knows, that might change. But I have a year and a half, actually more, to think about that. But at the moment, that's not something I'm really considering.
As far as David goes... I don't know what to think. I mean, I really care about him, and I know he cares about me too. As I told him the other night, I'm ready for a relationship with him, I'm just not ready to screw it up- which is definitely what would happen if we got into one now. Hurry up and wait. Hate how right that is.
It just feels like it's too good to be true. How could I come out of a relationship I had wanted so badly to work earlier on, and have someone that cares so much about me be right there, waiting to catch me. Someone that refuses to accept the mask, and even more, is willing to accept the possible horrors that lie within. Someone that doesn't care if I'm broken, is willing to help pick up the pieces and put me back together better than ever. I'm almost sitting here waiting to wake up, waiting for an email saying "Whoops, I made a mistake. Sorry, friends?" He says he loves me, but he doesn't even know what it's like to be around me anymore. He doesn't know how screwed up I can get. He says I won't scare him off, but I can't help but think that he has no idea what he's getting into. And I'm so scared to invest any feelings or hope into this, because it always seems like the minute I do, I end up alone again. He said he'd do his best, and I believe he wants to, I believe he will. I just don't know if his best is good enough to withstand the whirlwind of my soul. I hope it is. But when I can barely survive it myself, ...
Who knows. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. I'd like the chance to be with him. It just feels like an opportunity to good to pass up.
I just hope it isn't too good for me.
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"Good Enough"
-Evanescence-
Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.
Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...
Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.
Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.
Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...
Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.
And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything that's good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?
So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no.
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