a (weird) day in the life...

Today was just greeaatt... yeah- well, first off- the comp was acting up this morning- but then somehow it was fine when I got back. Whatever- stupid comp.

Last night my mom got called from work and she told them she would go to work early- and asked me if I had anything to do at the library- so I checked the schedule and it said I didn't- but then in the middle of the night I remembered that we had 2 unscheduled programs in the morning- so I had to talk to my dad when he got up and he got mad at me for 'not seeing it on the calendar,' and when I told him it wasn't there- and showed it to him, he just started ranting and yelling his head off at me for completely unrelated things. Then he apologized and stopped. For a couple minutes- then all of a sudden he was onto me again, so I just went to my room- then he got mad at me for walking out of the 'discussion...' and just a ton of other stupid bullsh1t.

So on our way to the library later on, my mom asks me if I want something to eat- so we go to sonic- and i get french toast sticks- which, once I get to the library I end up purging. I started again- I can feel it. I just- have this huge enmity with food again. Nothing even triggered me, and I want to quit, it's just... not that easy. I guess I think that 113 is too much again. crap- i hope i don't go down to 95 again- that would suck. i just- don't like the way I look. but what's different about that right??? (forced laugh)

So then I have to get to the river market at 8:30 bc the library doesnt open til 9 and my mom was going to be late if she didn't drop me off there. So I just sort of wandered around for a while.
Then when I finally get in- the 9:30 program ppl don't show up- so that was a complete waste of time. Then only one of the daycares shows up for the 10:30 program. So I got a little ticked off.

Then- my dad was supposed to pick me up at 11:40- but its only 11:00, so I go and work on the internet, checking my million emails and checking to see if I got any comments, etc. I see the clock turn to 11:39- so I log out of my email, and walk to the desk to log off of the computer. Then I walk downstairs- and my dad is passing by, and when I get into the truck he says he's driven around 3 timz, and why was I so lazy, and that that had cost him 5 min- like 5 minutes is 500 years or something. And then he starts yelling again, blah blah blah. all the while I am thinking I am fat, etc. Then on the way home he asks if I want something to eat (bitter laugh) and I said 'i'll get something at home'... i must have said it coldly or something tho, cuz he apologized for yelling... but then guess what!?! he did a repeat of the morning- which sucked cuz i couldnt exactly jump out of a moving truck on the highway and not expect some injuries. so i got home, walked inside, and trashed the living room, the bedroom and the computer room. I don't know why anymore- probably the whole ultra-rapid-cycling bipolar crap again. ::sigh:: in any case- then i got all paranoid, and started picking everything up, and the living room and the comp room looked the same- i left my room the way it was. Then I played the piano for a TON and did great on that- running on all the emotions i guess. then i got extremely depressed again and broke down, then i used all the emotions and made a wall out of them- and was 'happy'... then i binged- and purged, and binged and purged. which again was crappy. I think altogether today i would have had apprx 4000-5000 cals... but i got rid of all of them- and they were almost all junk food crap too. i haven't done this in so long. its surprising what will set me off into one of these days. Nothing really bad has been happening lately. In fact... nothing bad. nothing has been happening- but the scene with my dad... i don't know. weird things will trigger weird behavior for me- I don't really know how it works. I'll read a comic strip, and laugh, then feel like beating the hell out of my dad- no correlation at all. Or one of my friends will say something to me about something they did that day, and I feel like writing a book- about physics or something- my brain is just plain f*cked up, thats what it is. but one tiny irrelevant unimportant thing will mess me up for anywhere from 5 secs to 5 wks. in any case- i made a drawing of a pic i really like of myself (weird!) to go with the poem I am sending in to cicada- and i showed my dad the original and the thing i'd drawn- and he said something like 'you took off weight in yours, you don't look like that- you're big'... not bigger but big. that set me off- I just walked out of the room and tried to calm myself down b4 i tried to throttle him- which would've been pretty funny- except for all the legal ramifications i'd have to overcome. Then I got paranoid that he said that bc it was true- and that he had known about what happened earlier with the binge/purge crap, and just didn't care, then i got paranoid about everything. and i mean everything... it was pretty crappy- i was convinced that nobody cared- nobody gave a damn, etc. that they were all going to hurt me- intentionally, and laugh. this went on for about 1 hr with me sitting in the corner of the room. lol- i wasn't rocking back and forth or anything tho. I had a ton of really bad scenarios pop into my head. I sorta slipped into a really bad 'reality' where everything was true, then i came back to this reality, and still believed it, and got extremely su1c1dal... i was freaking out. i don't know what happened to me. I've had similar experiences to this b4, but... I don't know- maybe bc nothing has been happening. I ended up cutting again. i was doing so well with not doing that, and now... i don't know. im still a little... messed up right now, but not nearly so much as earlier- going to piano and violin lessons today helped me get it out- i was able to put all my energy and focus into playing perfectly. so... yeah... well- i guess my life wasn't so boring- well... at least not for a day.