losing grip...

i have been so out of it lately... i really don't know what is going on with me. my moods are whacked... i'm whacked... but i knew that already- a long time ago. something is going on with me- i don't know. well i do, ... but i don't want to admit it. bc then that would be admitting defeat. i won't do that. i can't do that. i sometimes wonder who i am... not like loss of memory wonder, ... but if i ever really knew. im starting to forget things- little things. not memory loss... just how something feels- the rain... i haven't danced in a thunder storm in a long time. i know- i probably sound crazy again (i am, but thats not really the point here) but i used to go out during thunder storms and spin... the innocence in that is what i miss. now i get upset bc of a quote- '... dance between the raindrops in a downpour...' stew knows what i mean. surprisingly, james does too... hm. its all in a little black book... or, not so little. and not a book- a journal... i forgot what it felt like to taste the acid-polluted snow. (talking about acid rain- acid snow...) nvm. i forgot what it was like to be safe. i forgot what it was like to be in david's arms (same thing as safe, but ... different... can't explain- still), sometimes i just sit and think about what i have forgotten. i forget the days i used to be carefree and just run around in my backyard and be happy and nothing else outside the fence mattered. the fence has been ripped down now. all has come rampaging through my oasis in desert. i forgot what it was like to feel blo'od leaking out of my arm... a good thing i guess... but there was release with that- i could become consumed by watching it flow out- be fascinated by the fact that i was alive and not in some kind of dream/nightmareland. i forgot what it was like to be alive- right now i just feel like i am living a semblance of a life. a shadow- a reflection- the real thing is out there in some other demension... i forgot what it felt like when i didn't feel like i was being watched... i forgot what it feels like to trust- i feel like everybody is out to hurt me or get me... i forget what it feels like to be content with anything less than perfect... i forget what it feels like to care... i forget what it feels like to be me... i forget what it feels like to have a real conversation... i forget what it feels like to be... i forget what it feels like... to simply... breathe........