The Lie...
Everything is going great. Lately I have been really happy. There is nothing to bring me down. I am dealing with everything perfectly. I have my anorexia and bulemia under control. I have no wish to do any harm to myself- whether it is cutting, any of my old addictions, or $uicide. I haven't been depressed in weeks. My days are filled with fun activities. I look great, I feel great... everything is perfect- just like always...
The Truth...
Everything sucks. I am constantly depressed- but refuse to let myself feel it. I refuse to let anyone else know. It's not like they care in any case. Even if they did, it wouldn't make a difference- because I wouldn't care that they cared. Nothing matters to me anymore. I am hiding behind this mask that I have created in an attempt to lead a normal life. But it has broken so many times- it wont stay together anymore. So I have to split off that part of myself that is depressed, anorexic, bulemic, and all the other crap in hopes that maybe it will just fade away- but it won't stop. It's taking over and nobody knows except for me. They can't see the tears that hide behind my eyes, afraid to come out for fear that crying will make it true. They can't see the screams I am constantly holding back as I force a laugh at one of their stupid trivial antics. They make me 'smile' in hopes that it will make me feel better, but they don't understand that what they see is a facade- put up, not only for their benefit, but for mine. I couldn't deal with this if I didn't put all my energy into making myself seem to be okay. they don't know what I am going through, and I don't want them to. So much pain, so much strife, so many scars... I'm b1eeding my soul out. I'm slowly dying in this thing I have created that was supposed to help me live. Soon I'll be a walking shell, and then the shell will fall apart... I just want to sleep a dreamless slumber, and silently d1e, peacefully. Rest in peace indeed. But they won't let me go. why can't they let me go? Don't they see that by keeping me here they are just prolonging my agony? That I am in no way getting better, although I claim to be. I am worse, much worse than what they claim they can 'see behind the act i put up'... always claiming to understand... they have no idea. carrie says I am strong, but she doesn't know that I am frail: I am as good as de@d. These feelings of desperation I can't even describe. I just want it all to end. If I disappeared, would they even notice? And if they noticed would they care? I doubt it. Why should they? I never offered anything to anyone. I never meant anything to anyone. You fail to see that I am worthless, but I can see it plainly. I have never accomplished anything, and will never amount to anything. I am just another person on earth, taking up space and air... Just another particle of sand in the desert, just another wisp of mist in the fog... I am nothing, and you will forget me...
*Maybe someday you'll look up
and barely conscious you'll say to no one
isn't something missing?
you won't cry for my absence i know
you forgot me long ago.
am i that unimportant, am i so insignificant?
isnt something missing?
isnt someone missing me?
... though i'd die to know you love me,
i'm all alone
isn't someone missing me?
*Missing- Evanescence.
don't bother remembering something so unimportant, so insignificant. i am just another nobody in your life. i do not wish to hinder you, so please... forget me. i was never there anyway...
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