Colorado... maybe?

I've been overreacting to a lot of things. Shit's been hard, but I think that a lot of it is the fact that I don't want to deal with it, so I make it harder, hoping it will be too much, and I can give up. But I'm done with that now.

So, turns out I don't have to worry about Jon. I've been saying all along to Jenni and other people I don't need a relationship right now: which is true. I don't need one, but I keep fooling myself into thinking I want one. There's only one person I love, and he's in CO. But back to Jon: we talked earlier, and he doesn't really need a relationship right now either. So that's the end of that confusing thing. I mean, I do like him, and we're still hanging out and everything, but no more of the inbetween stuff anymore. Not only do I not need a relationship, I don't need any confusion. And it's funny, because at first, I felt rejected again. But, really, I wasn't. He said he liked me, but had other stuff he needs to focus on, which is true. He is on academic probation, and is trying to get his scholarship back, and frankly, I'm distracting him from that. And I see that. I don't need that guilt on my mind, and he doesn't need the distraction, period. And that's fine with me. Which I think is a big step forward.

And I hate college. I'm not motivated here right now: I'm only here because of the scholarship. I'm not driven, I'm not enjoying it. It feels forced. Like part of the plan my parents made up. But really, I'm not getting anything out of it except for stress right now. I don't like being here, I don't like being dependent on my parents. None of it. I want to forge my own path.

So... I'm going to ask David if I can go back up to Colorado with him after Christmas. Frankly, I'd like to stay there, and be with him. But really, if that doesn't work, or if there is other stuff I want to do, I'll go figure out something else. I'm sorta wondering what will happen. And worried a bit, but I'm not really stressing too much. And I'm stressing over college, when I don't even really care about it.

Who knows? Maybe I'll just take a semester off, then come back and do it, and be happy doing it. But I want to do things on my time, when I want to. Not because it's convenient, or cheap.

I don't even know that I want to be a religion teacher. I mean, it sounds cool. But again, I can't see myself doing that for the rest of my life. I don't know what I want to do. So why should I be planning my life around whims that only exist because I feel the need for some sort of direction since I am in college? That's not right. I'll end up doing something I don't want to do, and be miserable. I've been miserable enough of my life.

What I need to do is get away, and figure out what I want, how I want to live my life, and even more so, simply who I am. That is the main thing. I've been living life so long by what other people want, what they expect of me, that I've lost sight of myself, if it ever existed. And that frustrates me. I want to know who I am.

And that's it for now. I'm not basing this on my talk with Jon, or my fight with my parents (which was over gay marriage, and turned to how they never tried to see beyond the surface of what I was doing), I've actually been thinking about this a lot since David and I went on hiatus. Constantly actually. He's the only person that I know that wants me to be happy, no matter what that means. He has no preconceived ideas, does not expect anything out of me, and has no standards I have to meet. He cares about me unconditionally, and he wouldn't try to guide me, or force me to do anything. Everybody else thinks they know best, and I think this would be, minimum, a refreshing break during which I could clear my head.

But we'll see what he says.