Lately

So, I'm not pregnant. Thank god. Do NOT need a kid right now.

David hasn't gotten back to me about going up to CO. It's making me a bit antsy. I know he's been on myspace: I've been on at the same time a couple of times. And he "bought" me back, but he won't reply.

I don't know whether it's because he hasn't had time to (which doesn't make any sense), hasn't seen my messages (also doesn't make any sense), doesn't want me up there, can't have me up there, or just hasn't figured a way out yet. I wish he'd just contact me. Preferably with some sort of answer.

I feel like crap: I probably caught it from Jon. You know, I like hanging out with him, spending time with him. But I don't think I'm really attracted to him: he doesn't have enough backbone, or the right type of humor. He can be a pushover, doing whatever people tell him to, and going against what he wants or likes. He has a bit of a low self-esteem, and is too easily manipulated by others. And he's a hopeless romantic, which can be cute... but not really for me. I mean, it's nice whenever a guy will do sweet things, or be a gentleman, but (in my mind), there is a point where it is too much. Jon's the type of guy that, when he wanted to propose, would plan the perfect day, whatever the hell that was, and then would go to the fancy restaurant, and have the ring in the champagne glass. Which is not for me. I'd rather wake up on a Saturday to a nice big breakfast I definitely couldn't eat by myself: an omelet, bacon, honey bunches of oats (almonds), a biscuit with strawberry jam, and a whole tub of turtle ice cream (just for kicks), watch cartoons, and be proposed to during a commercial break. Lol. But seriously: I don't like it when guys pay for stuff, bend to my every whim, are romantic to the point where it makes you sick, none of that. I know most girls look for that, but most girls are dumbasses. To me, a relationship should be like a partnership: where each person still retains their individuality, and their independence, but just happen to love each other, and go well together. I'm not saying they wouldn't do anything for each other, but they wouldn't do everything just because the other person wants it. I'd like to do special stuff for the guy as much as he would do special stuff for me. And they shouldn't have to have the other person around ALL THE TIME. I know I've had some issues with becoming dependent before, but it was also with the wrong guys, and/or at the wrong times.

Wow, I went on a long time about relationships.

Speaking of: I haven't been single any longer than two months for the past 5 years. I hit two months last week. And frankly, looks like it's going to be at least a little bit longer than that. Not that I mind. It's just surprising. I mean, I could've gone out with Alan, Jackson, Jon, or a couple of other people, and I didn't. I mean, yeah, most of them annoyed me, but I've gone out with guys that annoyed me before. Because I was bored, or feeling down and wanted to boost my self-esteem. But I'm not. I mean: I am bored, and I still think I'm shitty, but I'm not going out with somebody to do anything about that. I think, after Michael, I sorta made the decision not to do the stupid meaningless relationships anymore. I mean: I wouldn't mind going out with somebody for fun, but it would have to be somebody that I liked, and not simply because they liked me and I wanted/needed something to keep me occupied/not feeling like shit.

I was talking to my shrink last week (btw: Dr. Fawcett is awesome), and I said something to the effect that I thought my acting on impulses was under control (for the most part), but the thought processes that put the impulses there were still in place. Which he, and I for that matter, thinks is true.

Lol: my shrink says I think faster than he does. I'll say something, and then he'll think up a question, but then I'll answer the question before he says it, and then keep talking, and answer questions he was going to ask, before he knew what the questions were. Teehee...

But yeah: I really do feel like shit (thanks a lot Jon). Just, health-wise. So I'm gonna go now.

Cheetos puffs, pregnancy tests, and salsa for all.

Peace.