Torn... But Only For The Moment...

So basically, ... I like Jon. I do. Like, not nearly as much as I like David, or liked Michael, but I like him. He's like, a 6.5. Not bad. Not great, but, not bad. And i definitely don't love him: I mean, I love David. Not saying you can't love more than one person, but just for comparison. I apologize: I am high right now. Anyway. Don't love him, definitely not IN love with him. But I care about him.

So how do I tell him? I mean, how do I explain to him why he shouldn't be with me, or warn him when he decides he still wants to for some reason? Because I still love David. And frankly, though stupid- I know-, I still want to go to grad school in CO and try it (again) with him. And that if I do get together with him, I'd still sorta want to try it out with David later, and have no intent on getting irreversibly serious with somebody until I give it another chance. I don't want to hurt him... but I still want the chance.... to have something. Because there could be something there.

I swear, I've been seeing music with my ears lately. It's like I'm hearing the sheet music behind the song. But whatever.

You know David, you weren't the only one. I've lost a lot of care towards myself too. I didn't tell you a lot. I didn't want to admit a lot of it to myself, and it's like telling you, saying it out loud, was acknowledging it, saying that it existed. And I didn't want to believe that it existed. A lot of shit hurts right now. And I'm trying: I really am. But it's like my brain is slowly shutting down more and more, as a defense mechanism to keep myself from falling apart, taking into account everything that is spinning through my brain in a whirlwind. I'm repressing all my feelings, but it's like the sieve doesn't work anymore. So I can't collectively suppress the bad feelings, I have to suppress all of them. I can't allow myself to feel anything.

Shit fuckin sucks man.

What's funny: I'm not even writing this to David. I'm just writing. That one paragraph I guess was to him. 'S about it.

Anyway: I need to quit fuckin smokin man.

I haven't heard Blurry in a while while high. (Lol: "while while"). It's such a pretty song: I wish they had it on Guitar Hero: I'd totally be playing that shit all the time.

But yeah: pretty much updated out.

I'm gonna go post a SoC on IR. Go check it out if you want.

Adios.

Peanuts, raisin bran, and gutted caterpillers,

---the crazy bitch on the edge.