Well... fuck...

I sorta saw it coming... After Jon said he needed to talk, I dunno. I felt sick to my stomach. I talked about it with Jenni. I tried to take my mind off of it.

He loves me, but he's not in love with me. Great, right? Lovely way to break up with someone: tell them you love them, but that it's not enough. Story of my life.

God, I can't even type right now. Words are eluding me. I didn't think I'd become so attached to him. But I am. I love him, and just as I realize I could actually fall for this guy...

So many thoughts ran through my head. Let's just say Jennifer was ecstatic. Too fat, too dumb, too worthless. Always too worthless. Never enough. Constant screaming and berations in my head. He doesn't love you; it's a bullshit excuse. He was only with you because you're a good lay. Now that Kristen is back, he doesn't have to put up with your shit anymore. Why did you even convince yourself that this meant anything. That you meant anything. You are nothing and never will be. This is your course in life: alone. You will never be good enough for anyone. You don't deserve anyone. You don't even deserve to live.

Jennifer gave up on me after a while. She said I was a waste of time. I locked up my heart again. Threw it in the back corner. I don't really want it to exist anymore. I was numb for awhile. My mind was going crazy trying to distract me. I think I memorized the stars while I was outside smoking. Jon's room is vivid, because I was trying to take in all physical sensory input rather than letting anything inside take the foreground in my mind. And then the numbness hit me again. I was actually feeling things, and then the numbness just drove me over the edge.

I want nothing more than to escape. To not have to worry about this right now.

He says he still wants to be friends. He doesn't want to lose my presence. "You mean so much to me." He wants to possibly try it later. I don't know that I can take even talking to him anymore. I opened up to him: gave him pieces of me. I was willing to give him so much more. And now it feels like it meant nothing. Like it was a waste of my time.

I want to be with him. There's been crap with Michael and David, but he's been the only one on my mind lately. I find it so easy to trust him, even if it's hard for me to admit that. I would have told him so much more if there were words for it all, opened up to him. I want to try it again... I just don't know that I can. Past experiences just don't really leave me comfortable with the idea of second chances.

And I don't know that I could take being around him if it ended up not turning out the way I hope. I'm not talking about marriage or anything. Just... the chance to be with him again. To have what we had.

Just my luck: I end up with a guy I can trust, one I can open up to, one that treats me the way I should be treated (Jennifer: "Bitch. You got exactly what you deserve"), and it ends up screwed up anyway.

I see where he's coming from. We're really getting attached to each other. We both have scholarships to worry about. If he doesn't get his back, he's going to Fayetteville. Long-distance relationships... 'nuf said.

I just wish it didn't have to end. Not like this. At least to have had it be something bad. Something stupid. I don't care. Part of me wishes he had cheated on me. Part of me wishes I hadn't gone out with him. Part of me wishes I had never started hanging out again in the first place.

I don't know what to do. I want to keep hanging out with him so that we could try it again. But I just don't know that I could take being around him right now. Or ever. If it happens any time soon, I know I'm just going to end up hurting, and wishing things had stayed the way they were. I want to have him in my life, I just don't know that I could work backwards.

But... life goes on, right?


... I love you, too, Jon...