Empty

I'm feeling so empty again. Things won't stop hurting, I won't stop hurting. I was crying again earlier. I don't know why life is so hard for me. Why I can't just be happy. It seems like I should be, because I have everything going for me. College, friends, family, boyfriend. Music, religion, psychology, philosophy. Brains, talent, good looks. But I still feel so worthless. I still feel like everything is a waste of time. Like people would be better off without me. If I wasn't so selfish I would have broken up with Jon by now, bc he deserves so much better than me. I would have cut everyone off so that when I finally gave up and broke down, they wouldn't be unnecessarily inconvenienced. It's so stupid.

I just noticed a message from Michael on my dry-erase board. Fucking bastard. I can't believe he did that to me. I haven't had any more nightmares lately. But it just... it makes me feel so used. Makes me feel like everything was a lie. Justifies every single thought in my head. Worthless. Stupid. Pointless. Inconsequential. That he never loved me. Was just using me to get laid. What the hell else am I good for?

I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of doing anything and everything to try to feel things. I'm tired of manipulating the people I care about. I'm tired of feeling absolutely worthless. I'm so sick of it, and I just want it to quit.

I don't think I have any kind of will anymore. I just, exist. Try to feel what I can. Try to pretend I'm alive. I'm only as alive as my surroundings. I only feel through others. I am empty.