Betrayed

New Year's did not end well for me, at all. In fact, it fucking sucked. Almost literally.

I wanted to see Michael: strictly as friends, as I stressed to him beforehand. So we met up at Barnes and Noble. Things went well, (i.e., he wasn't being a douche or trying to get back together with me) so I invited him to come back to Conway to hang out. We played some guitar hero, and listened to music, and talked. And I ended up falling asleep: I was so fucking tired. Probably because I didn't sleep well the night before, due to that last double-shot of tequila (smart, Julie).

Anyway, I started to have a dream where Jon and I were messing around. Not sex (yet), just foreplay. (BTW: we are officially a couple now, sorry to not write about that earlier.) But then I woke up. Michael was looking at me weirdly, and asked what I had been dreaming about. I didn't really want to tell him exactly, and it was none of his business, so I said I didn't remember. He said "Well, you were sorta moaning. I wanted to pin you down." I shivered. We talked a bit more, but I ended up falling asleep again. And the dream picked up where it left off. Then it got a little weird.

I am not exactly sure how to describe the difference, but there was one. And Jon turned into Michael. The same sort of stuff was happening, but I knew I was dreaming, so I wasn't really bothered. At some point the dream ended, and I continued to sleep.

Then I woke up. As soon as I turned over, things felt different. It felt like something had actually happened. I remembered how the dream had changed, and it scared the crap out of me. I confronted Michael about it, who immediately got defensive, and had the same tone in his voice that he had when he had lied about all the other girls. I freaked. I didn't really know what to think, I was speechless. I ended up crying, and completely spazzing out, and Michael left. Not a word. I felt so dirty... not that I had initiated anything. And it's not even like he actually raped me. Just violated me. But I couldn't handle it. Memories of John came back up (John from a long time ago, not mine), and I wanted to gag. I went and took a scalding hot shower, trying to rid myself of all the feelings. It didn't really help.

I told Rachel, and Jesal. I was going to wait to tell Jon until he came back, but I couldn't hide it from him for long. I went home. Went to work. Hung out with friends. Fought with parents. Acted so normal.

But I've been having nightmares. Every time I even slightly drift off to a semi-slumber, they pop up. And I wake up barely able to catch my breath, with tears in my eyes. Any time a guy comes near me I tense up. Hugs from all but my closest friends feel like a disguised attack. I randomly get chills, and have to turn and make sure there is no one behind me.

I thought I was stronger than this. I didn't think I was this vulnerable. As I said to Jon, Michael's been a douche, but he's never done anything this bad.

I hope I get over this soon. Michael isn't worth this. But I will definitely say, he is a friend to me no more.