The Note...

So I gave Jon the note. It's a response to the one he broke up with me in. Yeah, a note. Ugh. Also in response to him asking me what I thought about us breaking up, taking a break, whatever the fuck you want to call it. Except for when he asked, I just didn't even want to think about that. But yeah, I gave him the final copy, and I'm keeping the second draft. Lol: yes, I made drafts. The first one was shitty, not cohesive at all, did not get my point across, and was way too emotional; the second one had grammatical errors; and the last I gave to him. I AM keeping the second draft to bring to my shrink tomorrow. But, of course, I would be the one to pen three drafts of a goddamn note, and a five-page long one at that. Hell, I even did that in high school, well... more like one draft, then the final copy. I'm just that OCD. But, back on topic.

I explained to him what he's meant to me, how much I cared about him, Apologized for a lot of crap, and explained what I meant when I told him I love him. I can say one thing for sure: as far as people that I am unbelievably close to, and want to keep in my life, he is right up there with Carrie and David. That's saying a shitload, especially only hanging out for four months.

Then came the hard part.

I'm not upset with him, I'm just disappointed. It seems like he is giving up without even trying. I get he doesn't want this to hurt either of us anymore than it has to, but really, I would have rather known for sure that it wasn't going to work out (i.e., trying, and failing), than give up without a fight. I have fought for so many guys that weren't worth it, and I get one that is, and he gives up.

Plus, if he gives up now, and we do end up getting back together, what happens if we go to different grad school? And, I am planning on getting my PhD as well. Not to mention, what if we actually were to somehow reach the point where he wanted to marry me, but decided not to for fear of divorce? There is always the possibility of things not working out. You could be happily married for 50 years, and for some unexpected reason, things go down the drain.

I don't want to be with someone I can't depend on, especially when shit gets rough. I do understand where he's coming from, that maybe if we were already in love, things would be different, or if he knew for a fact that he was staying here next semester. But it still feels like those are just excuses.

I know we've both been hurt before, and I hate getting my hopes up for nothing: It's been happening constantly the past 2 years, first with Michael, then David. But it feels (and I may be wrong), like the real reason for breaking up is that: getting his hopes up. That he is afraid of falling in love with me, and getting let down again. In which case he would rather end it on his terms than be caught off guard, or getting his hopes dashed. I wish he'd be willing to try though.

Anyway, I'm going to post the second draft of the note on here. It's different from the final one, but whatever. I constantly change things anyway.
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Jon,

As much as I hated that note and wanted only to see it burn, I wish I had it right now to refer to. I know I wrote a lot on my blog (see previous entry), but I feel like there was a lot I didn't address. I hope I cover everything, and you'll have to forgive me if I don't.

As I'm writing this, it is 2:10 in the morning, I am in my bed, on Adderall, with Jenni asleep in the top bunk. I'm supposed to be reading my philosophy homework, but I can't. Understandable, I guess. So many thoughts have been running through my head since you told me you loved me, and all the things that followed. I will never be able to tell you all of them- something I find both a blessing and a curse.

You have meant so much to me these past months. You have been a friend, a lover, a confidant; a shoulder to cry on, a person to trust, and a guy to just plain joke around with. You have helped restore my faith in myself, as well as others. And I want, I need, to thank you for all of that. I don't think you'll ever truly comprehend everything you've done for me. So thankyou.

I'm sorry things got out to a bad start, what with the agreement with Michael, and the confusion over David. But I want to stress to you that lately, especially the past two months, you have been the only one that has been on my mind. If David had come back down permanently, or if I was able to have a guarantee that Michael wasn't going to go behind my back again, I still would have stayed with you. I hope you understand, and more importantly, believe that.

I also feel the need to apologize for using and manipulating you, though I have not done so knowingly of late. But you were somebody that cared about me when I didn't care about myself. And as rarely as "JJ" (See Carnival Funhouse Mirror) shows her face, she does, and the turmoil in my head is slightly alleviated, in great part due to you.

And though I know it is not necessary, I also want to tell you I'm sorry for all the times I broke down in your room. I guess the reason why is because I feel it was inconsiderate and ungrateful of me, because you were making me so happy, but there I was, crying. But it was never because of you.

You have rejuvenated my life, brought light into the darkness, made me feel when I was numb. My life has been so empty the past five years; I've been keeping everyone out, all emotions locked in. I would plan everything out, and have a million back-up plans, just in case. But with you, nothing was planned. Life was spontaneous, full of surprises, and, yes, letdowns. But it was ok. Because at least I was living again, rather than drinking small droughts of life from my experiences.

I once asked you to explain me, and you did the same. But I don't think I really did you justice: I guess I didn't really want to admit all the things I thought about you. But, here it is now: how I see you.

You are smart, inquisitive, wise, comforting, caring, sweet, friendly, funny, fun to be around, talented, mellow, a little goofy, but all-in-all a good person. You are an awesome friend, a good hugger, a better kisser, and a good (if a bit self-conscious) lover. I find you attractive, even more so when you shave (lol). And most importantly, I love being around you.

Yeah, you can get annoying at times. Occasionally I want to strangle you, more often I just punch you. And the hairiness is somewhat amusing. But it's crazy, because somehow, sometime, I just accepted all the little quirks as being part of you, and none of it mattered anymore.

I don't think the words exist that would accurately describe what you mean to me. Language, especially English, is so limited. Let's just say you're definitely up there with David now, if not possibly higher. It's hard to compare, because the connections are different. But you don't really need to be worried about comparisons.

I meant it when I said "I love you, too." But I want you to understand what I mean when I tell you those words. I care about you, obviously. I trust you with pieces of me I normally keep hidden. You will always have a place in my heart, no matter how corny it sounds. This is a love that transcends friendship, or a relationship. It will never diminish, or change, but can only gain new horizons. I will not stop loving you, no matter what. You could do things that would make me angry, sad, stop trusting you, or even hating the fact that you did it, but at the core, I would still love you.

I think of you as a soul-mate now. But I have fairly broad ideas of that. It's not necessarily your one true love, or the person you marry and stay with until death. It is a kindred spirit, one you share an intangible, inexplicable connection with. One whom, though they may not be there physically, will always remain in your heart. You belong in that category to me now, and I am so glad to have you there.

I have never opened up to anyone as fast as I did to you. Nor have I let ANYONE see my weak side like you have. It is so hard for me to trust myself with anyone, let alone entrust pieces of myself to anyone. So I hope you appreciate what that means.

Meanwhile, I guess I'm slightly disappointed that you haven't opened up to me as well. I understand you haven't done so to many people, and that it's hard, but I've tried to prove myself to be worthy of your confidance. I'm sorry if I've done anything to the contrary, and I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you ever truly need me.

I didn't want to lose you romantically, and I definitely don't want to lose your friendship either. But I have no idea how I'm going to deal with this. I don't hate you, Nor am I mad at you. But I feel like I was already on the cliff's edge, and learned my safety net was gone. I realized I could fall for you, actually fall in love with you, and was willing to let myself do so. Then... nothing. And I just don't know if I'm at the point where I can easily backpedal so that I can stand hanging out with you, and having you in close proximity (not just physically), without falling in love with you. I want to say I will try, but I don't think I can even assure you that I can do that. I'm sorry, but I just don't know that I can handle that at this moment.

That being said, I do understand where you are coming from, but I still can't help but feel that you're just giving up on this. I know you're trying to save us from more pain later, but it feels like you've just resigned yourself to being pessimistic. Frankly, I would rather try, and fail, than do this. It feels like such a contradiction to me: I tried so hard to make so many unhealthy unworthy relationships work, then the one that I actually want, that I was taking down all my walls and baring all for, is given up on. I don't really know how to take that.

I understand you don't want to sacrifice your college career for me. I'm not willing to sacrifice mine either, and I would never ask you to do something I wasn't willing to do, and even then, I wouldn't ask you for that.

You say we're not "in" love, and if we stay together, we'll be miserable. But falling in love takes time, and definitely more than 3 weeks and two days. And just because you end up loving someone does not mean you could not end up falling for that person as well. If you somehow knew you would NEVER fall in love with me, I would understand that reason. However, you said that could be possible, sometime in the future, just not now. But giving up because it might be going too well? Before you give us a chance to fall in love? Assume you did stay in Conway. We would have no guarantee that it would work out between us. And if you went to Fayetteville, it's not that far, plus we both have private means of transportation. Yeah, we could end up breaking up. But I would have at least wanted to try, and know that it didn't work out, rather than look back, and wonder.

I don't want you to break up with me because you're scared of getting hurt later. That is always a going to be a possibility. If it's about concentrating on school, we could work out a schedule. If it's about anything else, I want you to tell me the truth. But I wish you had let us overcome these obstacles when, or if we ever, came to them. I would rather you have broken up with me because we weren't compatible, or because you realized I didn't mean shit to you. Because where will this insecurity stop? What if we end up going to different grad schools? Or if, one day a long way down the road, you decided you wanted to marry me, but didn't because you were afraid of divorce. It never ends. You can never be sure of what tomorrow will bring.

It sucks, because I think you have found the one reason (like this), where I might not be willing to try it again with you. You could always back out without anything going wrong- just the possibility that it might. That is so infuriating to me. I understand you don't want either of us to suffer unnecessarily, but I can't help but feel like you're jumping the gun, if there even is one.

I don't know. I guess I feel like you're doing this because you're afraid you might fall in love with me, and then, somehow, it won't work out, and you'll end up seriously hurt again. I'm sorry to say this, but if that's the case, and you stick with your decision, I doubt I'll get back together with you. THIS is the uncertainty I don't want: that I couldn't count on you in the future. That you would be afraid of getting hurt, and would simply give up. Not even trying to fight for something that no one said was an impossibility. I don't think I could comfortably be with someone like that. At any point in time it could end, for no reason at all, other than the fear of the future, of the unknown. And that disappoints me coming from you.

If this is what you really truly WANT, then fine. I've said all I wanted to say. I can't make you do anything, nor am I even asking you to. I just want you to make sure why you're doing this, that this is what you want, what other possibilities exist, and what the repercussions might be. I want you to see what I am seeing, and understand what I have been feeling. If you don't want to be with me, that's ok. I just hope you are sure, because even though I want to be with you, even possibly try it out later, this might be your final chance. I'm not trying to force you into a decision, but this is just how it is. I don't want to have to worry that at any minute I could lose you because you don't want to be let down.

If you don't change your mind, all I can do is hope things go really well for both of us this semester. I would love to recover what we had. I hope we get the chance to. I hope I can get beyond my hesitancy of giving second chances. I know you're different than Michael, as is the situation, but I still would be worried that another obstacle would come up, and you would bail again. This sucks this time: I don't know how I'd handle it again. Especially coming from you.

I really do love you Jonathan, and I've been so thankful for your presence the past four months. I hope I can keep you in my life, and will definitely keep you in my heart.