I've been in the same room with Jon for the past several hours, and we ate together today for lunch and supper. And it's making me sick to my stomach. Sometimes I feel like I can't breath: like there's a very large weight on my abdomen, and my body is screaming for air. I both want to be near him, and want to forget he ever existed. It sucks.
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Saturday, Early Afternoon:And I am not sure what he wants to do. I know what he wants: both to not get hurt again, and not to lose me. But that section in the message he sent...
"you brought up a great idea in your note that keeps coming to the front of my mind. the schedule for the semester, though it seems juvenile, is a great thing. i think that we should try that out."
So... what? Try out a schedule just for hanging out? Which seems retarded if we're not going out again. Or go out, and try a schedule so that we don't end up spending too much time together and neglecting our studies? Which makes more sense. I hate vagueness/ ambiguity.
He also said he didn't want me to think he was giving up, nor did he want to lose me "at all," and that he still loved me and couldn't even find all the words to explain everything he was feeling. Which just made shit even more confusing, especially considering every time I've been around him, it's felt very stiff, and almost formal. Not to mention awkward.
So I don't know. I do know, unfortunately, either he, or I, are going to have to make a decision soon. And if I make my decision first, he's not going to have one to make. Basically, mine is one of three things. 1) I keep hanging out with him and letting myself love him, and hope for more, also keeping the accompanying pain present. 2) I keep hanging out with him, and shut everything away, more than likely ending our chances of having a relationship in the future, but hopefully keeping him as a friend. 3) stop hanging out with him, at least for a time.
Several things could happen with number three. I might not hang out with him all semester, and he leaves for F'ville. I might not hang out with him all semester, and then start again in the summer (if he stays here), which either leads to a friendship or a relationship again. I don't hang out with him until spring break, which also has the f'ship or r'ship ending again. Also, the last couple of scenarios also have the possibility that I just get over him, and don't want a relationship anymore- doubtful, but if I end up better than I am now, I might not want to risk getting hurt again (by the same person, especially since he already backed out once).
Yet I still don't know what he wants to do. He also said he was going to continue the note later that night (Thursday), or the next day. But he didn't on Thursday, and last night I actually spent in his room. And I slept... quite a bit. I guess it was about 10 hours minimum. Which was awesome.
Because after he broke up with me, I couldn't concentrate enough to read my philosophy homework. So I got Adderall from Jenni, and stayed up trying to study for a bit. Wasn't successful. So I started to take a nap, only lasted about 20-30 minutes. And I was going to start studying again. But then I started writing to Jon, and you saw the product of that. Then I took another addie in the morning to keep me going. Then I was up all day. Then Thursday night I stayed up all night on the computer, looking up musical crap. So yesterday morning I got another Adderall so I could make it through my classes. Then last night (well, technically really early this morning), I finally crashed in Jon's room. So basically in a 70 hour period I only got 30 minutes of sleep. Not to mention I didn't eat at all thursday, and then i had subway yesterday for lunch, but i threw up what i ate last night. But hey, at least I'm not pregnant. Yeah, it was 3 days late, but whatever. Not pregnant.
Anyway... I think I'm done for now. I'm going to try to go finish that post on cfm I wanted to do the other day.
or not... Jon just called...
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