Absent from school (from... everything?...)

Well, yesterday, i wasn't feeling too well; my stomach was acting up. So I basically ended up not going to school. Whenever the bus passed my house, however, i remembered that Stewart would be getting on it soon and would be wondering wtf had happened to me, especially because of Thursday. It ended up that he called me when he got to school to check up on me. I feel as if I have been a little ignorant as to how much he cared about me. I won't make that mistake again.

Later on that day, he called me (or did I call him, I dont remember which and it really doesn't matter) and we talked about a lot of in depth deep stuff. Some amusing, some depressing, and some a little of each. I especially remember one part. I was talking about the incident on Thursday (if you can really call it that), and basically how I was feeling depressed and suicidal during the majority of it. He told me to never do that again, and I remember replying "but it's so cleansing..." then I added "if you live through it." He said something to the effect of- exactly, if you live through it. But really, if you don't take risks, you don't get as big rewards. Like I put on the post about standing on the cliff. If you don't move around to try and find a file to saw away at your chains so you can tear of your blindfold, you'll never get the chance to experience the view. And really, I do think that I'm getting better, but there is still a chance that I might not make it to 20 if i don't make a lot more improvement by then. but then again, i'm just trying to be realistic, not morbid, and if it seems that way, then that is just a different way of percieving it. sometimes the truth can be that way.

In any case, I talked to Stewart again twice today. We agree that we think that our parents believe that we are going out, as does most of the other people we know. Whatever, we can't change their minds for them, nor can we convince them of something that they are not willing to see. nobody can. it really sucks that people cannot see what is right in front of them and have to change it to suit what they either think it should be or think it should not. If people could only accept things for what they are rather than a distorted view of everything... oh what a wonderful world we would live in.

I'm starting to relate more and more to the song "Missing" on the new evanescence cd. sometimz I really do feel as if even if I were to disappear tomorrow no one would "cry for my absence", I would have related to it a ton back in the eigth grade, but I'm comparing this as from now to at the beginning of this school year. so much has happened to me, that I can just feel exactly how fragile this "life" we humans are living is. It's almost like a reflection in a pool of water: one tiny jolt will change the imge you see completely. It's like an illusion so fragile, so mortal that one tiny adjustment will make it sollapse into a million tiny invisible pieces. We humans do not recognize exactly what we hold in our hands until its too late. I fear either it is too late for me, or else I have found out too early. Learning something at the wrong time can be more hamful than never learning something at all. Even if i were to tell you something, though, you either would not or could not believe it until you were ready, or else you would, in blissful ignorance, take it as the wrong way. Knowledge without the wisdom to understand what you have been given is a very dangerous thing.

I am in a very deep profound mood right now. I feel the need to review, to understand. Now that I have overcome, I need to get why. I need to get how. I need to be able to comprehend what has happened in the past to understand now, to, not predict the future, but to understand why and how things have come to happen once they do. I fell that all is happening now. The past, the present, and the future, are all occuring as I type. After all, at one point in "time", the past was the present, and before that, it was the future. The concept we know as "present" is ever changing. Our next second's present is now in the future, ... and now past. One melts into the other, it is an ever-changing cycle. The future is already happening in some "time", the past was the future in another. The only constant is us. Or are we constant? After all, every single cell, every single one, is replaced in the "time" span of 7 years. We are literally not the same person we were when we were younger. To think, that this body, every single bit of it, is completely different, yet still holds the same thoughts, the same memories, the same emotions... And all through the wonder of "science", or is it fate? What is it? What controls us? chemicals, a benevolent god, fate, ourselves??? Will we ever know? "When" will we find out? Is it all a useless loop of birth life and deth?

Unfortunately, I do not claim to know the answers. And if I did, it would be a terrible secret, for to truly know exactly how EVERYTHING works, ... we can only imagine. but even then, we cannot imagine accurately, for we do not truly know anything until we experience it ourselves. And then what are we to do?


But then again, what are we to do until we do find out?