This is my first entry of many. Right now I am sitting on the bus, wondering if Rusty was right. Maybe every boy I get close to does ennd up liking me. Justin, Rusty, Josh, Clayton, Simon, Stewart, David. It's a bit annoying, a bit flattering. I really don't care. Especially now.
Breakfast: water
Lunch: 18 fries, 2 mini candy-canes, 1/2 bag fritos, 1/4 cup tea.
Supper: salad, water.
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Later:
I think I won't be here much longer. Not necessarily talking about Death of body, but of mind. Of soul. But not the me of now in any case.
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December 17, 2008Lately it seems like everything is pointless. I'm just not seeing things the way I used to. School is just another place to add to my stress, and another place I have to hide my depression from people. I can't even do anything on the bus for fear Stewart tells Simon again. And now that I know he likes me, I don't want to put him through that. Every guy who likes me, I seem to end up hurting. Things just never work out. Plus the fact that I don't want to jeopardize our relationship.
Yesterday David got pissed at me when he saw the food list and the Tips and Tricks to eating less sheet. I just can't deal with the anorexia. Most of the time I succeed in holding it off, but I'm not strong enough to do that forever.
I really don't know what's going to happen to me, but it's not as if I am psychic. Besides, if I was, the few good surprises wouldn't be nearly as nice.
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January 1, 2005
Well, wow... the past week has been... umm... different??? Yeah, different. Sleepover, went to the mall, and saw Sean Ott, who acted gay to convince my dad he wasn't a threat: that was amusing. Walked around, only got to the bookstore, Hot Topic, and Spencer's, but that ws good enough for me. Went to the movies, which was ok. Went home: I spent about 20-something dollars. Suddenly after we got home I was very depressed. I felt so... I don't know... excluded. Like an extra wheel. Like I lived on the outskirts of this group. But it doesn't really make sense, because I see that we have a lot on common. Well, I have more in common with Rachel, then Ari, and then Jesal. I think next time I will only invite Rachel and Ari, and hang out with Jesal on another occasion. I just feel like there are things I want to talk to Rachel and Ari about, but not Jesal. o offense, but I feel like I can relate to them better.
Anyway, I ended up getting sorta tipsy. I finally gave up not drinking around them and brought it into my room where they were. I had felt like being alone, but gave up on that. Rachel asked what it was, so I ended up getting her, Ari, and Jesal some as well. In any case, I got really depressed and wasn't paying attention to how much I was drinking. I went overboard. And it sucks because I heard them talking about some cool stuff, but I ended up getting sick. Lovely.
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Later:
I'm grounded for a while. But I think I got out of that thoough. I talked to my dad a TON. I might end up going to a shrink, but at least I'll be able to talk on the phone. That's really all there is for now. Only two days left til school!!! I never thought I'd be this happy to go back.
Well, wow... the past week has been... umm... different??? Yeah, different. Sleepover, went to the mall, and saw Sean Ott, who acted gay to convince my dad he wasn't a threat: that was amusing. Walked around, only got to the bookstore, Hot Topic, and Spencer's, but that ws good enough for me. Went to the movies, which was ok. Went home: I spent about 20-something dollars. Suddenly after we got home I was very depressed. I felt so... I don't know... excluded. Like an extra wheel. Like I lived on the outskirts of this group. But it doesn't really make sense, because I see that we have a lot on common. Well, I have more in common with Rachel, then Ari, and then Jesal. I think next time I will only invite Rachel and Ari, and hang out with Jesal on another occasion. I just feel like there are things I want to talk to Rachel and Ari about, but not Jesal. o offense, but I feel like I can relate to them better.
Anyway, I ended up getting sorta tipsy. I finally gave up not drinking around them and brought it into my room where they were. I had felt like being alone, but gave up on that. Rachel asked what it was, so I ended up getting her, Ari, and Jesal some as well. In any case, I got really depressed and wasn't paying attention to how much I was drinking. I went overboard. And it sucks because I heard them talking about some cool stuff, but I ended up getting sick. Lovely.
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Later:
I'm grounded for a while. But I think I got out of that thoough. I talked to my dad a TON. I might end up going to a shrink, but at least I'll be able to talk on the phone. That's really all there is for now. Only two days left til school!!! I never thought I'd be this happy to go back.
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January 24, 2005
Well, a ton has happened since the last time I really wrote in here. I guess I had too much of too much on my mind. But then again that has happened before.
I've decided to make a really hard choice that I hoped I wouldn't have to make. I'm going to break up with Stewart tomorrow. Ever since I said "yes" to him on the bus that afternoon, I've had this feeling of... not right. It's like someone pushed me off of the diving board before I got to take a breath. Like outside forces made me make the decision, without my consent. What bothers me even more is the fact that I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the lie. I can tell it's not more comfortable with the relationship because everything still feels plastic, forced. What I'm more worried about is not me living the live, but Stew living the lie because of me. He has a lot to deal with anyway, let alone a relationship where his gf isn't really into it. I mean I like him and all, but I don't even think I know him well enough. I don't think he knows me at all. Talking to him this weekend made me notice that. When I'm joking he takes me too seriously, and when I'm serious, he takes it as a joke. Plus I've noticed that since we've started dating, our converstations have been more forced, more awkward silences have popped up. Maybe it's just me though. It probably is in fact. I would love to go out with him later when my heart is in it, but not now.
Well, a ton has happened since the last time I really wrote in here. I guess I had too much of too much on my mind. But then again that has happened before.
I've decided to make a really hard choice that I hoped I wouldn't have to make. I'm going to break up with Stewart tomorrow. Ever since I said "yes" to him on the bus that afternoon, I've had this feeling of... not right. It's like someone pushed me off of the diving board before I got to take a breath. Like outside forces made me make the decision, without my consent. What bothers me even more is the fact that I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the lie. I can tell it's not more comfortable with the relationship because everything still feels plastic, forced. What I'm more worried about is not me living the live, but Stew living the lie because of me. He has a lot to deal with anyway, let alone a relationship where his gf isn't really into it. I mean I like him and all, but I don't even think I know him well enough. I don't think he knows me at all. Talking to him this weekend made me notice that. When I'm joking he takes me too seriously, and when I'm serious, he takes it as a joke. Plus I've noticed that since we've started dating, our converstations have been more forced, more awkward silences have popped up. Maybe it's just me though. It probably is in fact. I would love to go out with him later when my heart is in it, but not now.
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January 26, 2005
Well, yesterday was great... That was sarcasm by the way.
I broke up with Stew. One of the hardest things I ever did. Now half the people I know are either disappointed or mad at me. They don't get that it was hard for me too. Everyone keeps acting like I'm the villain here, and it's getting on my nerves. It's not a matter of wanting to do it or not. It's more than that. When I did it my hands were shaking, and I had to lean against the wall. I care about him, just not that way. Doesn't make it any easier to hurt him.
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Later:
Things aren't going much better. Jesal's still mad at me, I don't think Sarah D is anymore. I'm sorta mad at myself, but I can't exactly take it back. Even if I could, I don't think I would, not now at least.
My parents aren't exactly helping matters either. But hey, they're parents.
That's just it though: parents are suppsed to be there and guide, help, not reprimant for stuff you just need advice on. Same for friends. Obviously the people claiming those titles aren't fulfilling the jobs that come along with them. Sucks for them. No: actually, it sucks for me, because I have to go through this shit with everybody. They can say whatever the hell they like and I get to bear the blunt of it. Not to mention I'm suicidal on my own, let alone once I hear all the things that are wrong from me from the people that are supposed to accept me no matter what. Nothing's really going right for me right now.
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Later:
There's too much going on for me to handle. All this shit is getting to my head. I can't take much more of this. All the pain, all the lhurt, the lies, deceit. I'm lying to myself, and deceiving myself. I keep on thinking I'm ok. So does everyone else, but I'm not. Can't they see these tears that are always in my eyes, can't they hear me screaming? So ignorant. But then again, I'm deceiving myself. I have gotten to be such a good actress that I can fool myself. If there was a god, I'd fool him too. There is too much I'm hiding from others, from myself. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am, or what to believe. it's like I'm living a dream. I am living the lie. I want to be real.
Well, yesterday was great... That was sarcasm by the way.
I broke up with Stew. One of the hardest things I ever did. Now half the people I know are either disappointed or mad at me. They don't get that it was hard for me too. Everyone keeps acting like I'm the villain here, and it's getting on my nerves. It's not a matter of wanting to do it or not. It's more than that. When I did it my hands were shaking, and I had to lean against the wall. I care about him, just not that way. Doesn't make it any easier to hurt him.
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Later:
Things aren't going much better. Jesal's still mad at me, I don't think Sarah D is anymore. I'm sorta mad at myself, but I can't exactly take it back. Even if I could, I don't think I would, not now at least.
My parents aren't exactly helping matters either. But hey, they're parents.
That's just it though: parents are suppsed to be there and guide, help, not reprimant for stuff you just need advice on. Same for friends. Obviously the people claiming those titles aren't fulfilling the jobs that come along with them. Sucks for them. No: actually, it sucks for me, because I have to go through this shit with everybody. They can say whatever the hell they like and I get to bear the blunt of it. Not to mention I'm suicidal on my own, let alone once I hear all the things that are wrong from me from the people that are supposed to accept me no matter what. Nothing's really going right for me right now.
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Later:
There's too much going on for me to handle. All this shit is getting to my head. I can't take much more of this. All the pain, all the lhurt, the lies, deceit. I'm lying to myself, and deceiving myself. I keep on thinking I'm ok. So does everyone else, but I'm not. Can't they see these tears that are always in my eyes, can't they hear me screaming? So ignorant. But then again, I'm deceiving myself. I have gotten to be such a good actress that I can fool myself. If there was a god, I'd fool him too. There is too much I'm hiding from others, from myself. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am, or what to believe. it's like I'm living a dream. I am living the lie. I want to be real.
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