hectic

Today was hectic, that's for sure. This morning I almost missed the bus. It drops by my house at about 7:05. Well, this morning, my alarm clock rang at 5:45 as usual (I need about 15 minutes to truly wake up). i turned it off, rather than just hitting the snooze button. So later, I wake up, think "ugh, what time is it?" look at the clock, and yell "f***!" It was 7:02. Now, luckily my clock is off abot 2 minutes. so I get ready in a hurry, grab my stuff, get outside, and up comes the bus. I actually got ready in about 3 minutes. So yeah, that was fun.

Then I got to school. Today was the first of our week of semester testing. 1st period, band, went okay. Pretty sure I made a 100 on that test. Then we had to go take our pictures. That was just GREAT. then, I went to lunch, where I got the info for our english folder and test from James. Went to Bio, where I did all of it. Went to English. I turned in my folder with about 20-something things missing. Took my test, which I did okay on. Found out I had another B in English for nine weeks. Got my notebook back. got 120 out of 150. so that went well. Then I went to Spanish, I have a 98 in there. Mrs. chenault was disappointed that it had dropped down from a 100%. but hey, you can't please everybody. Then I got on the bus to go home.

Stewart asked me out. I said yes. I am starting to have second thoughts about the timing though. I told him I would love to go out with him once I had figured out some of my problems. I haven't figured out all of them yet. One of them is that I'm still trying to sort out what my opinions are and what opinions I've adapted from others in order to please them. I need to be myself, rather than, at the risk of being rejected, losing myself in others. I need to be able to keep my perspective, my point of view. That's the main one. I want to be sure that he, and everyone else, likes me for me, and not for opinions I've picked up from people I've come in contact with. I've spent a ton of my life trying to not be rejected, that i've come to persuade myself that to not be rejected, I have to be what they are, and not who I am. But now, I'm trying to become more dependent on myself rather than others. If I have to have others around me to be happy, I'm basically doomed. The reason for this is that there comes a time in everyone's life in which they will be alone, utterly by themselves. You have to learn to depend on yourself, because that's the only person that will alwayz be there for you. No matter what everyone else says, they cannot be there for you every time you need them. It's good to be able to talk to other's about your problems, but don't base your mood on what they think. What may be good for one person may be bad for the next. i don't alwayz take my friends' advice, because what they might do would be different from what I would do. Also, there is the fact that one action that might seem to be helping us when we first do it, will actually aid us less than the action that would at first hurt us, then be even better for us in the long run. Plus the fact that I am trying to see things in their entirety. Rather than seeing it just from my point of view, I am trying to see the whole picture. That's why talking to people helps. They may see something you don't, either because you don't want to see it, or can't because there are too many other things obscuing your view. They can point it out, and there may be a whole different path from you to choose from.

The main point that I am trying to make though, is that sure, I'll continue going out with Stewart, I just need to separate myself from, not just him, but everone for a bit, so I can figure this out. We won't move forward in our relationship, we'll just keep it where it is for a while, so it won't end up that while we have moved forward, I will have missed something trying to sort through my own feelings.