concerts, concerts, concerts

Yesterday was... interesting, to say the least. I had, technically, 4 performances to do. Really, though, there was music for a play, singing and french horn, and then a mixture of concerts by the orchestra, choir, and band, of which i was in the latter two. So much STRESS! Oh well. I get nervous easily. Too easily. It seems that that is almost all i do. worry about how i do, how i am going to look, to sound, to seem. To seem, mostly. I don't see why i worry so much about how i seem. I like to brag that i don't care how others see me. Most of the time i don't. But I do care how i think others think i seem. Its strange, i guess it has to do with the whole perfectionist thing. For instance. I don't mind failing at something i do, such as a test, or a piece of music, but i do care about people knowing i failed. But only because i know they know. God, im thinking too much again.
Last night really was great though, even though i messed up a thousand times. I feel as though i can tell you, whoever may be reading this, because though you may or may not know me, as long as you never confront me about it i will never know you know. It's like you are some far away person i will never meet. And will then never have to confront. I think, mainly, my problem with dealing with people who know my faults, is i have to confront my mistakes. I living in the past. You can't change what has already happened. Even when you are typing, you can go back and erase a word, but that doesn't change the fact that it WAS there, after all. But any time i do think about something i messed up on, i dwell on it. I think, why didn't i do THIS instead?! I have a problem with dwelling. Ari knows this. But everyone has their faults, and Im willing to admit mine, in hopes of actually realizing them for what they are and either embracing them for being a part of me, or ridding myself of them. I don't hope to reach a level of "godliness" or "a higher order," but i do want to be happy with who I am, emotionally, mentally, physically. Spiritually. Just to be whole. Frankly, I don't know what I believe about religion, or the "hereafter". I am just concentrating on now. Because that is where i am and what i have to deal with. I will work on the other things as they draw closer. I would like to find a good religion, that fits me, so i can have at least one stable thing in my life. But i will not rush to one just to get it.
Ari doesn't think she can add anything to my book of poetry i hope to publish (see newari.blogspot.com to get what i am talking about. it is under rising lymph nodes.). Personally, i think she would. Simple pictures of normal people. Even though Ari is anything but. She seems to have this exceptional quality for showing emotion. Or maybe i just know her too well! lol. In any case, she said, quoting me " 'with th right posing and clothing and stuff' stuff. yep" In a way she's right. In a way, she's wrong. But i can't change her mind.
Speaking of changing minds. Ari has decided to transfer back to her old school I know everybody here will miss her. Luckily we only live a few minutes drive away. I hope that i will never lose her as a friend. I don't necessarily agree with her leavng. But there are more underlying issues tat need to be taken into account. Although i may not agree with her, i do support her, because i see her reasoning. Though i will be devastated to see her go, there is still a chance of her coming back. And for that, at least, i am thankful. To really lose such a good friend would really hurt, Fortunately, that is not the case.