Alone

Why is it that the minute you get what you want, you don't want it anymore? Ari, Jesal, and Rachel are right in the next room, yet I feel more lonely than I have in a long time. I sort of want to be alone. All of a sudden, things have started popping into my head, that I need to think about. Things about me, my life. They're laughing now, about something that Jesal said. How I wish I were that blissfully unaware of these conflicts going on inside me. It's as if there are two me's-the irrational me, and the rational me/the me that uses its heart, and the me that uses its brain/the me that wants to do what is wrong, and will end up causing some bliss, then suffering, and the me that wants to do what is right, that will cause suffering straight away, that will last for a while, but will end up for the best. I wish I could just wipe away my existence right now. things are too complicated. When I'm alone, I can think better, but I tend to make the wrong decisions because no one's there to stop me. but when I'm around people, I tend to get sidetracked and confused, but I make the right decisions (I think, I can't know, I haven't been able to think it over). whatever. My eyes are starting to tear up, I'm thinking about depressing things too much. of course I'm talking about the thing I need to think about, but too many people I know are going to be reading this, but then again, maybe they'll just bug me more about what it is. Let me save you the trouble-I'll say when I want to say, or else you'll find out because I actually did it. (No, it does not concern harming my physical body in anyway.) stew MIGHT know what I'm talking about. Think-seas, diving deeper. I think you get it. I just saw it as a completely different thing, and I don't know what is really going to happen, but hey, whatever. All of a sudden I feel depressed and hopeless. But what is weird is that I am still in that good state about what I feel concerning myself and my life. I think it's the rest of the world which intrudes into my life (of course, then again, I let it) that is making me feel this morbid. Whatever. In any case, for once, I am in too reflective of a mood to be typing any more, so will write later. I think that there is one more glazed donut left in the fridge and 3 friends sitting in the next room. Of course, then again, there is the solitary fort out back too.