lost

I despise my life. (Wow, lovely optimistic way to start a post!!! ;) ... not.) I was thinking a lot on the bus this afternoon. i wrote 5 pages worth in my journal. Most of it was ranting and raving, just trying to get all my feelings out. Which I did. Well, I guess i better get on to what I had to get my feelings out about in the first place. First of all, as all of you who are reading this know, I broke up with stew yesterday. Which sucked. It's not like I wanted to. There was just too much going on that i had to deal with, let alone the pressures of trying to keep a relationship going. Now, several of the people I know are mad at me. They are acting like I'm the villain, and what they don't seem to get is that it hurt me too. Rachel and Ari say that those people don't know what i'm going through, and that frankly it isn't their business anyway. I believe that, but that doesn't change the fact that there are still people who are either mad at me, disappointed in me, or something else. There's just so much going on, all my mental and emotional stuff, the stuff at home, the breakup, and now people getting mad at me... And none of it is my fault. I guess it would be my fault for getting into it, or letting it get to me, in the first place, but I'm trying to fix everything, and it seems that it's doing that thing where it gets worse before it gets better, but how in the world am I supposed to know it will get better. Even if it were to get better, who says I wouldn't break before then. I'm already craking. There's really so much going on I'm surprised I'm able to handle it. but am I really handling it? I really can't take much more: all the pain, all the hurt, all the lies, the deceit. I'm lying to myself. I'm deceiving myself. I keep on thinking I'm ok. So does everyone else. But I'm not. Far from it in fact. Can't they see these tears that are alwayz threatening to streak down my face? Can't they hear my screams, my pleas for help? Obviously not. So ignorant. but then again, I'm ignorant too. I rarely notice these either. I've gotten to be such a good actress (just another talent, another accomplishment) that I can fool myself. if there were an all-knowing God, I would probably be able to fool him too. I'm hiding from the rest of the world, i'm hiding from myself. I don't know what I believe, I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am. Who am I? WHO AM I?!?!?!?!?!?!? All these questions with no answer in sight. Maybe there will be some answers on the horizon. Unfortunately, that's just what the horizon is, unreachable.